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Original poster

Girl making lunch for my fiance

88 replies

Sabinaa · 14/02/2019 14:11

Hello, I just wanted to seek some advise.

My fiance who I am supposed to marry in August, he has told me had feelings for a girl at work last year. Nothing physical happened, which I believe as the girl is married.

He then told me the girl used to make him lunch and bring it in for him. I just find that a bit strange. What are your thoughts on this?

I have come to terms that we have never had issues with infidelity and I do trust him and feelings can happen. However, he should of made an effort not to let his feelings dive deeper.

He said he wants to be with me still and he only told me because I asked.

Sorry I am just a bit distraught at the moment - my first post here.

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 14/02/2019 14:57

In my eyes he's already betrayed you by having feelings for someone else. He hasn't done anything physical but he wanted to and maybe he would have given more chance.

Adora10 · 14/02/2019 14:57

Faulty, the lunch is in a completely different context to the one you mention, the man has told the OP he has feelings for her.

crochetmonkey74 · 14/02/2019 15:01

If someone was making my DP lunch and bringing it in every day I would not be bloody happy.

Me neither, it's not a normal or OK thing in general- too 'coupley'

Interceptor999 · 14/02/2019 15:13

If he had feelings for another woman whilst engaged too you I think that shows how easily swayed he is. Think long and hard about marrying him because this trust issues will always be there hovering about.

AnotherEmma · 14/02/2019 15:16

"I have come to terms that we have never had issues with infidelity and I do trust him and feelings can happen."

Actually you already have issues with infidelity. He had an emotional affair. IMO that's infidelity.

speakout · 14/02/2019 15:17

The girl is married?

Where do you live?

In the UK it's not legal for children to marry.

MistressDeeCee · 14/02/2019 15:17

I've not worked anywhere that a man's prepared lunch for me at his home and brought it into work for me. No thanks.

Who knew this was a norm🙄.

OP you don't have to put up with anything that makes you uncomfortable. We are all different I guess but I really cannot be bothered with men who find ways to instigate conversation or odd boundaries concerning other women outside your relationship.

It bores me and at your relationship stage especially as he's also mentioned 'feelings', it'd be a bye bye from me.

Too many men in this world to put up with one who has relationship values that are too different from yours.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/02/2019 15:31

In what world is it such an intimate act? It’s a sandwich not oral sex

I guess intimate in that it's "looking after him" doing "wifey" stuff for him because poor him, his fiancee won't make his lunch -puke-

Faultymain5 · 14/02/2019 15:31

@Adora this is what the OP said in relation to lunch.

the girl used to make him lunch and bring it in for him

The OP found it weird and asked us our thoughts.

There was no indication it was everyday and that they sat down together and ate it. That may or may not have anyting to do with the guy having feelings for the girl.

We have no idea if he said to her he loves kleftico and each time she makes it, she brings him in some. Or if she lovingly makes sandwiches each day in the shape of hearts. That just was not said. So why assume either way? It was something that used to happen.

So I go back to looking at it and saying OP has issues about the feelings, not about lunch.

fruitbrewhaha · 14/02/2019 15:33

It's so hard to tell from such little info.

Is it - I've some left overs and brought them in, or we had a do and the weekend and had load of food left over, it's in the fridge for anyone that wants it, or I've been baking and brought some bread it.

Or

Morning dear, don't go to the sandwich shop today, I have brought in your sandwich, every day, in a little tupperware box.

I also think it's ok to find someone attractive, to fancy them and flirt a little. But not OK to spend extra time together, find ways to hang out together, chat or msg on the phone in the evening.

You need to work out where you feel ok, with and whether he has crossed that boundary.

trulybadlydeeply · 14/02/2019 15:35

I think the lunch thing depends on if she is the sort of person that loves cooking, and often takes in left overs for her colleagues to enjoy. Nothing wrong with that, but it's rather different if she was making lunch just for him every day. If so, I wonder what her husband thought of her packing two lunches every day?

Do they still work together?

Bluntness100 · 14/02/2019 15:37

That is such an intimate thing to do for someone

Blimey, and I make lunch for many people, friends, relatives, colleagues. Who knew eh?🤣

Op, why was she making his lunch? Was it just his or for more people in the workplace? Was it a work thing? Or was he giving it, Ive no lunch yours looks good?

And what does he mean feelings? Fancied? Loved? If it's the first, and he didn't act on it, meh, you don't die from thr waist down when you are in a relationship and it's fine to fancy someone else if you don't act on it, fancying someone is normal. If it was the latter, then that's a whole different ballgame.

twattymctwatterson · 14/02/2019 15:38

I'd be doing some digging because it sounds like at least an emotional affair rather than him just developing feelings for someone from a distance. Does he have her phone number? Do they interact outside of work via social media or anything like that?

You're getting married in a few months and it sounds like his attention is wandering already.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/02/2019 15:40

@Bluntness don't be facetious. She's not making lunch for loads of people. Just one person. Someone else's fiancée.

HeckyPeck · 14/02/2019 15:44

I couldn’t marry someone who had feelings for someone else. That would be it for me.

I also suspect, as others mentioned, that what he’s told you is just the tip of the iceberg.

Faultymain5 · 14/02/2019 15:47

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy The circumstances of the lunch making has not been clarified. It's only page 2, so give OP a chance to clarify that before we jump to conclusions.

It is very rare that I agree with @Bluntness100, but I agree, there is not enough to go on for us to come to a conclusion. But my all means let's jump to conclusions without any solid facts.

RomanyQueen1 · 14/02/2019 15:53

You can't stay with someone after the trust has gone and you'd be mad to trust him. He's cheating before you are married. Whether the girl made his lunch or not has nothing to do with your cheating bf.

RiverTam · 14/02/2019 15:54

Colleagues make food for each other and bring it in all the time

not anywhere I've worked, other than cakes.

Firstly - she's a woman, not a girl - using 'girl' just seems to minimize this. She's a married woman and a colleague who is very much overstepping the mark with a colleague (I get the 'intimate' comment, it's an emotionally intimate thing to do). And your fiance isn't covering himself in glory either, he should have nipped this in the bud immediately but it sounds like he was happy for it to carry on.

I think you need to have a proper talk.

Magenta82 · 14/02/2019 15:56

Exactly @speakout !
And their employer needs reporting, they must be breaking child labour laws!

Adora10 · 14/02/2019 15:56

Faulty, just like the OP some of us are allowed to find it strange that a woman is bringing in lunch for someone else's fiance, and I doubt it was a one off or he'd not have mentioned it, it sounds to me like there's more to this than what he is admitting to; lunch, feelings.....sounds suspicious to me, perhaps he is gently trying to admit to some type of wrong doing and no I'd not be marrying someone in six months time that had just divulged this to me.

Juells · 14/02/2019 16:02

and no I'd not be marrying someone in six months time that had just divulged this to me.

I probably would have, as I was completely un-jealous. Which is otherwise known as 'thick as mince and unable to see the obvious'.

Troels · 14/02/2019 16:03

Making lunch wouldn't really bother me that much unless she was also constantly on to him with calls, turning up activly chasing him etc. We have a woman and man at my work, both are in long term relationships with others and she brings in something for tea if they are on shift together. We get 30 mins tea, in a room with at least 6 of us round the table and they don't even sit next to eat other, we all share food on occasion.

nugget900 · 14/02/2019 16:10

I see a problem here, it's an instinct thing, you should listen to it. Your fiancés (friend?) making lunch for your fiancé is an intimate thing to do, emotionally, it's an emotionally intimate thing to do. It's the sort of thing a wife would do for their husband or the sort of thing a parent would do for their child before they go to school. There must be some sort of emotional bond between your fiancé and his work colleague.

If my husbands work colleague was regularly making lunches for my fiancé I wouldn't be happy It would mean she has an emotional connection with him

Did your fiancés colleague make lunches for any of her other friends at work aside from your fiancé? No? Then that's a red flag. If she is making lunches for her other friends but putting more effort into your fiancés lunches, then I see another red flag

Don't worry you're not just seeing things as some other commenters are trying to imply

Faultymain5 · 14/02/2019 16:10

@Adora10, but the point is the OP hasn't given you any information you have added words like "every day" to make it sound worse than it possibly is.

You (and possibly OP, I don't know for sure as not much info), are conflating two things and making it something else. Until OP says yes, lunch is every day and yes, this woman also had feelings for the fiance, that they have discussed together and/or they have kissed/acted on those feelings.

Then no, I'm not on the leave him, don't get married bandwagon. OP has gone for two pages, I'd wait until she could actually answer those points.

qazxc · 14/02/2019 16:11

Lunch i wouldn't be too bothered about. I have on occasion bought lunch in for colleagues and my husband has for his. It's bunging a few extra portions of soup in tupperware, not an intimate or romantic gesture.
Now developing feelings for another woman when he is in a relationship with you, that would be a big problem.