Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I try to get pg or not? 43 and want baby

74 replies

Onionpeeler · 12/02/2019 19:28

Hi all,

I have been with my partner for almost six years, bar a few short breaks. He’s a few years older than me and already got three grown up kids.

I don’t have children but I do want at least one. I’ve put off having any with my partner as I’m unsure as to whether we will work long term. We are from different backgrounds. We don’t go on holidays together, he’s not interested in travel. He likes to do his own thing on weeknights and at the weekend playing sports and in the bar. We don’t have many shared interests although he’s laid back and easy to get along with.

He says he loves me and wants to have a baby with me. The honeymoon period has worn off although we have a really strong bond. Last year I thought I should meet someone more ‘suitable’ so I broke it off but felt so miserable I came back to him.

I feel like I’m out of time now and should just go ahead and (try) to get pregnant. I have no family in this area and no close friends although I am trying to make new friends, it’s hard tho. I don’t feel that happy. Is it fair to him or future child to go ahead with this?

OP posts:
Completelyfine · 12/02/2019 19:31

Do you live together? How would you work as a family eg home, finances, work, parenting?

Original poster
Onionpeeler · 12/02/2019 19:42

Yes we live together. He would have tonsuppirt me at least to begin with. Then I could go back to work although I wouldn’t want to go back full time straight away. I can work from home but whether that’s feasible I’m not sure. I have my own house so we could live there. We’re in a rented flat at the moment.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 12/02/2019 19:44

If you want to have a baby in general - just go for it. All details can be sorted later.
You almost out of time though.
So - if you could afford it - i’d go via your obgyn and didn’t leave it to chance.
You don’t have months to waste with trying naturally.
Sorry

Angelinthenightx · 12/02/2019 19:47

If u want a child then your running out of time, no one knows what the future holds so even if someone was married had a baby had money then down the line they could lose it all. Could take u at least a year + to get pregnant so u have to think of that .seems that u do love him and seems he does u to want a baby. The honeymoon period u can get back do date nights etc. Go with your heart and what u want.

Lightofday · 12/02/2019 19:49

Do you actually want a child or do you just want a baby? Because if it's just the later then...maybe skip it.

I suggest adopting or fostering. There are plenty of kids in the world already and at 43, pregnancy and childbirth...it's a risk.

Also...maybe I'm old fashioned but to me, a baby out if wedlock shouldn't ever be a PLAN.

AnotherEmma · 12/02/2019 19:49

"I’ve put off having any with my partner as I’m unsure as to whether we will work long term."
Don't do it.
"I have no family in this area and no close friends although I am trying to make new friends, it’s hard tho."
Don't do it.
"I don't feel that happy."
Don't do it.

If you really want to be a mother, move closer to family and friends, and do it via IVF with donor sperm.

You've already wasted time and left it rather late, I'm afraid. Don't wait any longer. But do it alone and not with him.

WineAndTiramisu · 12/02/2019 21:28

@Lightofday

Also...maybe I'm old fashioned but to me, a baby out if wedlock shouldn't ever be a PLAN.

Why not? There's plenty of occasions when that is as good a plan as any other!

Ilikeviognier · 12/02/2019 21:38

If you want a child you need to be trying to get pregnant immediately. You do not have another second to lose, whether with him or as a single parent. I’d also recommend getting help immediately - ivf etc. Don’t wait.

Acalavero · 12/02/2019 21:44

How often does he see his three children? How do you cope with him having 3 kids?

Phoebesgift · 12/02/2019 21:59

Your chances of conceiving can't be that great at 43 but it's worth a shot. With or without fertility treatment you really are in the last chance saloon. I'd say go for it!

Original poster
Onionpeeler · 12/02/2019 22:03

Acalavero - he sees the teenager about once a week. The other two are over 20 so sees them as and when, really. They’re nice kids. I don’t have much involvement. I think most of the day-to-day child care would come down to me, he’s a bit old fashioned (typical man?) like that. But he’d be there in some form so that’s better than nothing? He doesn’t like staying in night after night, he’s very much a people person whereas I’m more introverted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onionpeeler · 12/02/2019 22:04

Thanks, I want to give it a go.

OP posts:
FlyingMonkeys · 12/02/2019 22:08

Go for it if you're both in agreement but don't expect him to change his ways if he's not prepared to. Plus it could prove stressful enough trying to concieve and post baby (if it happens) that you may break up anyway. I'm not trying to sound awful or negative but I'd go into the situation with my eyes wide open from what you've posted.

Haffdonga · 12/02/2019 22:11

You want a baby. He wants a baby. You have your own house and a job.
Why ever not?

(You're concerned about your long term relationship prospects? If you wait until you find a partner who you are 100% sure will be perfectly matched to you for ever, you'll be a lot older than 43 by the time he arrives).

Dirtybadger · 12/02/2019 22:12

Why is adopting unmarried a better plan than having a biological child? (FWIW I think both are fine and also am a big proponent of adoption but it's odd to suggest that and then follow with the marriage comment).

BonApp · 12/02/2019 22:15

This doesn’t sound like a good idea to me. An unstable and uncommitted relationship? No other close support?

I feel sad for you OP that you really want a baby and find yourself in a less than ideal situation, but honestly, given the circumstances, no.

Create a better situation for yourself first. Then work out if it makes sense to add a child into the mix. I get that time is not on your side but this relationship doesn’t sound like a healthy foundation on which to build a family.

FlyingMonkeys · 12/02/2019 22:16

Also picking up on the finding it hard to make new friends, not happy, and DP seems to have his own social life - are these contributing factors to wanting a baby?

HelloDarlin · 12/02/2019 22:20

I don’t always understand why people suggest adoption... Aren’t there rules?
Like age limit, income bracket, secure home, must be a couple? I would have thought so...

Lightofday · 12/02/2019 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EstrellaDamn · 12/02/2019 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lightofday · 12/02/2019 22:25

Don't be obtuse. It is what it is, I don't make the rules.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 12/02/2019 22:26

I wouldn't go for it because tbh, the risk of having a child with a health or medical condition goes up a lot at that age and it's not something I'd want to deal with but you seem to be okay with it so go for it.

mmmm25 · 12/02/2019 22:27

@Lightofday
Have you forgotten to take your meds?
Off you pop now Confused

Lightofday · 12/02/2019 22:33

Why? It's a perfectly fair point. Just because you don't like the idea of it. Having children means considering these things surely? Even if they are hard things to think about. I mean it concerns the human soul after all.

FlyingMonkeys · 12/02/2019 22:34

Well this went very weird very quickly.... 😯