Do I try to get pg or not? 43 and want baby

[Onionpeeler]

Hi all,

I have been with my partner for almost six years, bar a few short breaks. He’s a few years older than me and already got three grown up kids.

I don’t have children but I do want at least one. I’ve put off having any with my partner as I’m unsure as to whether we will work long term. We are from different backgrounds. We don’t go on holidays together, he’s not interested in travel. He likes to do his own thing on weeknights and at the weekend playing sports and in the bar. We don’t have many shared interests although he’s laid back and easy to get along with.

He says he loves me and wants to have a baby with me. The honeymoon period has worn off although we have a really strong bond. Last year I thought I should meet someone more ‘suitable’ so I broke it off but felt so miserable I came back to him.

I feel like I’m out of time now and should just go ahead and (try) to get pregnant. I have no family in this area and no close friends although I am trying to make new friends, it’s hard tho. I don’t feel that happy. Is it fair to him or future child to go ahead with this?

Yes sorry. Bit deep xD

"I think most of the day-to-day child care would come down to me, he’s a bit old fashioned (typical man?) like that. But he’d be there in some form so that’s better than nothing? He doesn’t like staying in night after night, he’s very much a people person whereas I’m more introverted."

FGS don't have a baby with him.

You'll feel more lonely with a child and a partner who is not fully present (and I mean enthusiastic about parenting and family time, not just physically present) than you would as a single parent.

Do not have a child with a man like this when you don't have other support nearby (family and close friends).

Please, please listen. If you do TTC with him I hope that it would be unsuccessful because I think it's a terrible idea. Sorry.

@HelloDarlin you can adopt as a single person, SS welcome applications from singles. Some children particularly benefit from that set up.

But it isn't something I would ever suggest to a poster. It has to be something they really want to do.

OP, I agree with PPs that there's no point in waiting if you want to have a baby. You and your partner have a good relationship from what you've said, there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to co-parent together regardless of whether you stay together or not.

"You and your partner have a good relationship from what you've said"

Did you read a different OP to the one I read? Or do you just have lower standards when it comes to your definition of a "good relationship"?!

Not baby-related but just a side point; he wants to spend his birthday with his friends, he’s not fussed if I’m there or not, is that normal? He’s happy to come out with me and my friends for my bday.

Lightofday - are you bored? Can’t you find something better to do?

I meant as in they get on well, I never said they sounded like a perfect match. I even qualified it by saying there appeared to be no reason why they wouldn't be able to co-parent well if it didn't work out.

My point was that the OP doesn't have much time left if she decides she wants a baby, and that there was no reason why she shouldn't have a baby with her current partner. (If she actually decides she does want a baby, she's not sure about it as I understand it.)

Lizzie
Sorry but you seem to have misunderstood. Let me spell it out.
OP is sure she wants a baby.
She is not sure about having a baby with him.
There are plenty of reasons why she shouldn't, primarily the fact that she isn't sure, but also the fact that she thinks the day-to-day parenting will fall to her - that's not someone who's going to be a good co-parent if they split up.
Was he a good co-parent with his ex after they split up?

Yes okay, I see that I did misunderstand that. Clearly they have some talking to do.

Fair point about the ex. I would have thought the OP is likely to know whether he and his ex co-patented well together. He seems to have good relationships with his DC, though, which bodes well.

The question I would have is, does he really want another child or is he just saying what he thinks she wants to hear?

Op if you go ahead with this just make sure you consider the pros and cons and also the future.
Think about what you'd do and how it would work if you became a single parent and the baby's dad didn't contribute in any way including financially.

You don't have to have family nearby or friends to help, it's just easier if you're lucky enough to have them.

If you do that and still want a child then go for it.

Many single parents have no family help and no support from the ex but still manage to work full time and parent successfully.

I won't lie, it's really hard but it's doable.
Anything else is a bonus

Bear in mind the effects of maternal age in genetic anomalies. It's one thing to consider being a single parent of a healthy child, but after 40 the likelihood of something going wrong increases greatly.

It sounds like he thinks a baby will keep you occupied and you will be less demanding of him. I really don’t see a long term future with this man, so are you ok with being a single parent?

Funnily enough, being a mother to DD was a major contributing factor in my split with her Dad. I was aware that my relationship with him would be a relationship role model for her and my relationship with him didn’t meet that bar.

You’ve procrastinated long enough, far too long given what you want, it’s time make a decision.

Op, all I can say is go for it.

I had my ds at 45 ( not ttc) and it has been the best thing ever. No longer with ds’s father but he is a good dad, we see him every week and our ds is a cheerful happy child.
Like you, I had my own house so knew I could manage on my own if necessary.
I didn’t plan my ds but I just thought I’d worked 25 years for other people and I deserved to do something for me.

Spending his birthday with his friends and not with her?? Really??

Honestly in the cold light of day this does not sound like a good sign of somebody that would be there to support you when you've had 10 sleepless nights in a row after baby not sleeping well.

Doesn't sound like he would be willing to babysit for many years while you have a well earned day of rest.

Having a child is a long term time and emotional intensive commitment. AS one gets older the less energy one has to play cows munching on the floor and just keeping an eye on them all the time when they are small. It's hard physical work .

Think carefully about this. He doesn't sound like somebody willing to forego his lifestyle to accomodate anybody else. He sounds like he has a cushy number right now to be honest.

Op, if you want a baby and can manage on your own, then I'd go for it.

From what you describe, I wouldn't expect him to step up at all, apart from maybe financially. So I'd anticipate doing everything for the baby, and the relationship probably going by the wayside. If you can see yourself essentially going it alone, then go for it.

Don't delude yourself that things would get better in the relationship with a baby - you will get what you have now, only you'll be knackered and more vulnerable. If you can face the fact that he's not going to be much help, and he is someone you can tolerate being in your life for the next 18+ years, then what the heck. You're almost out of time.

think most of the day-to-day child care would come down to me, he’s a bit old fashioned (typical man?) like that

Wtf. So insulting. My DH is early 40s and absolutely 100% involved. My own DF back in the 1980s was a super co-parent. How old is your DP for this old-fashioned view to seem "typical"?? 70-something? Use him as a sperm donor by all means but based on all the rest of your posts he won't be there for you and the baby as a half decent parent.

A baby puts so much stress on a relationship and are hard work !
I can't imagine your relationship lasting if you do have a baby but if your prepared for that to happen then go for it

It's very rewarding and you won't regret it but I do think you will be so very very tired , it's ok thinking now that when baby arrives you will do it all but when it comes down to it and your absolutely exhausted you will need partner or family support

I think you need to assume you'll either be a single parent, or living under the same roof and perhaps sharing finances butnit feeling like a team. The second might be psychologically harder but financially easier. Your "partner" isn't really a partner by the sound of it, more a friend/ flatmate with benefits...

Do you currently have shared finances,?

Can you afford to be a single parent?

Your changes of conceiving are fairly low, and your chances of carrying a healthy baby to full term lower, but of course it's still a fairly common thing to have a healthy baby at 43/44/45 - fairly common to fail to conceive or miscarry too sadly the further you get over 40.

How would you feel if your baby had a developmental disorder or chromosomal defect? Would you abort? Would you feel confident as a single parent to a baby with downs or any other problems? Consider the possibility of NICU, and a child who may never live independently. Risks increase with age.

The risk of twins and high blood pressure in pregnancy and other problems which make pregnancy closer to an illness than people like to admit also increase with age.

Could you manage twins alone? Twins with health problems? One twin in NICU while the other is home, and you've had a caesarean?

Do you have a support network other than your partner? Are your parents young enough and local enough and involved enough and willing to support you?

Ask yourself the hard questions then if you're overwhelmingly positive get a move on, you're almost out of time!

when the child is 20, then the father will be in his 70's and you in your 60's. This will be an only child with quite old parents, Not sure about any supportive family you would have for the 'child' should anything happen to either of you but it's something I personally would consider in deciding whether as a quite old 'new mother' to have a child or not.

A friend of mine had a baby through a sperm donor at 40. Is this much different?

From what you describe, I wouldn't expect him to step up at all, apart from maybe financially. So I'd anticipate doing everything for the baby, and the relationship probably going by the wayside

^this. Honestly, if you are sure you want a baby and you have thought through the likelihood that you will become a single parent, and think you can cope with poorly twins (a real possibility at your age) I would pull the goalie and get to it. But I would treat your BF essentially as a sperm donor. I really would not see the relationship lasting if you are successful in getting pregnant.

I think blueskies' questions are valid. If you can look at all the potential negatives in the eye and say yes, in all of those scenarios, you'd still choose to have the child, then give it a shot.

If you want a baby at 43, even if you would be a single parent, go for it. Your chances of conceiving a viable pregnancy at 43 without help and with him being older aren't great anyway, so stop deliberating and get on with it but don't set your hopes too high.

I should add, your relationship doesn't sound ideal, but it's now or never for a chance of a child of your own. Your only other option is sperm donation and doing it on your own, I'm not sure how long these things take but if you went straight for fertility treatment it might be easier.

Thanks Mumsnetters.

All good feedback.

👍🏼