Do I try to get pg or not? 43 and want baby

[Onionpeeler]

Hi all,

I have been with my partner for almost six years, bar a few short breaks. He’s a few years older than me and already got three grown up kids.

I don’t have children but I do want at least one. I’ve put off having any with my partner as I’m unsure as to whether we will work long term. We are from different backgrounds. We don’t go on holidays together, he’s not interested in travel. He likes to do his own thing on weeknights and at the weekend playing sports and in the bar. We don’t have many shared interests although he’s laid back and easy to get along with.

He says he loves me and wants to have a baby with me. The honeymoon period has worn off although we have a really strong bond. Last year I thought I should meet someone more ‘suitable’ so I broke it off but felt so miserable I came back to him.

I feel like I’m out of time now and should just go ahead and (try) to get pregnant. I have no family in this area and no close friends although I am trying to make new friends, it’s hard tho. I don’t feel that happy. Is it fair to him or future child to go ahead with this?

I had this dilemma at 43 in a non-perfect relationship. I understand exactly the thoughts and feelings you are having OP.

I had a lovely little boy naturally, and the relationship - while still not perfect - has continued, and DP is a good dad and treats me with respect. I was lucky in many ways.

On balance, in an imperfect world, it’s been worth it.

OP, sounds like you and this man won't work longterm.
However, I do feel, as hard as it is to raise a child, you will regret not having one, whether the relationship works out or not. I base this on what you have written.
I wouldn't waste any more time waiting if it's truly what you want.
I suppose you have to ask yourself what do you want more-this man or a child?
I will say this--don't feel you should have a child based on what society thinks women should do and 'as you are getting older.'
Btw, I'm a single parent. Father not involved but I have a lot of family support and a good job. I wouldn't have it any other way.

think most of the day-to-day child care would come down to me, he’s a bit old fashioned (typical man?) like that

He's sexist, that's the proper term for 'old fashioned' and 'typical man'. As long as you realise he's a convenient sperm donor/baby daddy, that's one important element, but blueskies brings up some very valid questions and the question of parenting a child with SN on your own. I have a son with autism, a condition that cannot be predicted before birth, and I can't stress enough how hard it is.

It doesn't sound like he'll be a hands on, very helpful, supportive, involved, equal load carrying father (unless he's willing to change his current lifestyle & priorities) so go ahead if you feel you can cope almost on your own.

It can be v hard, esp without family help. Can you afford some childcare to give you a break, say once a week, before you return to work? You'll need it if you have no family help.

Also be prepared that the stress could end your current relatively easygoing, undemanding relationship and you may end up a line parent.

*lone

Also, you say he's "a few years" older than you. Bear in mind that sperm from an older partner is another problem area.

If you want to have a baby you really need to start trying to conceive immediately, if not sooner. You also need to be mentally prepared for possibly a hard road. The miscarriage rate at your age is about 50% I believe. If it was me I would crack on and try as I think I would always regret it otherwise.

when the child is 20, then the father will be in his 70's and you in your 60's. This will be an only child with quite old parents, Not sure about any supportive family you would have for the 'child' should anything happen to either of you but it's something I personally would consider in deciding whether as a quite old 'new mother' to have a child or not

^^ this in buckets. Op you are too old to start thinking about having a baby (It could take 2-3 years to conceive). Yes I know it would be nice for you, but what about your child? You may think you are both fit, but you are not as fit as a 30-something. That means the child misses out doing active stuff with you both. You will not even realise what you are not doing. How many 65+ year olds can ran about with a 15 year old?

Believe me it's no fun having old parents.You are almost certainly condemning your child to a life where one/both of his/her parents will die before they married. Either that or he/she is having to worry about older parents when they should be care free.

I know some people will say

Nearly 1 in 4 children in the UK are currently in a single parent family. The great majority of these dcs are presumably happy and thriving (because most dcs in UK are) and the great majority of their single parents are doing a good job and are happy to be parents (because most parents are).

You only need to look at the threads on MN when a mother is in an unhappy relationship with posters unanimously urging her to ltb for her dcs' sake, to know that most people think a happy single parent is better than an unhappy coupled up parent.

So I find it hard to understand why there is so much focus here on this relationship potentially not lasting long term and 'wedlock' . You are 43. If you want a chance of getting pregnant you just haven't got time to find a 'better situation'.

So I'm with those who say if you think you could do it as a single parent (and how can anyone ever really know) then seize the opportunity you have.

You may live to regret trying, but do you think you'd live to regret not trying even more?

DrMorbius who runs about with a 15 year old? 15 year olds don't want to run about with their parents! Parenting a teen is about listening, advising, problem solving and taxi driving!

Should people who can't run about due to disabilities - perhaps even due to life changing injuries as a young adult - not have children? Should people who's parents and grandparents died in their 60s not have children in their 30s because they might die before their children are married?

Nobody can predict the future. You can have a baby as a healthy 25 year old and be diagnosed with cancer before your child starts school. You could have a baby at 45 and live to be 90. Some people outlive their children - a parents worst nightmare. Some elderly people see all their children die of theoretically age related health problems even - I knew a woman in her 90s who'd outlived 3 children all of whom died in their 60s ) two of heart attacks, one of cancer).

There are 101 reasons the OP might be making a mistake if she ttc but I don't think not being able to run around with a 15 year old and possibly not being at her child's wedding are really relevant.

You are almost certainly condemning your child to a life where one/both of his/her parents will die before they married

That's statistically bollocks just not true for the OP at 43.

The average life expectancy for a woman in the UK is 85 so unless OP's child leaves it as late as the OP herself to have a baby, she's got every chance of being an active granny too. And this child (if they are ever born) is highly likely to have many friends with parents the same age. Many many women have babies in their forties nowadays if they can.

Sorry, 83-ish

Quite, @Haffdonga my DH and I are aged 53 and 49 with 2 adopted DDs who will be 10 and 7 in March. We might not be as fit as some younger parents, but we've always done plenty of activities with our DDs.

I don't think we'll keep up with them when they're 15, as they're both very fit and sporty, but I don't think they'll want that anyway, they'll prefer the company of their friends as it should be. DD1 already doesn't like hugs and kisses in the playground, she rolled her eyes at me when I tried recently.

I held off posting because I knew I would get individual responses "proving me wrong". Which of course there will be exceptions, but the fact remains I have lived the life I described.

That's statistically bollocks just not true for the OP at 43

Quite true @Haffdonga, but the age for men is 79. If Op's dp is 50 now and it takes 2-3 years to have a baby. The child could be 26-27 when the father dies. It's not rocket science.

Your chances of conceiving naturally at 43 are almost zero so I wouldn’t worry about it tbh.

It is a better option for OP to try for a baby with her current partner. She'll get way more benefits than a sperm donor would provide.
The child will know their father all their life.
OP will get child maintenance if they decide to break up after the pregnancy.
OPs partner might not be hands on but he has declared love for her. That little bit of watching the baby whilst she showers is way more than she'll ever get from a sperm donor.

Also there's a chance one of the half siblings might fall in love with their young brother/sister & look out for them.

I agree the current partner would be the best bet, not fertility treatment.

@DrMorbius are you honestly saying that we should have given up trying to be parents? The only reason we've been raising young DC in our 40s is that it took 7 years to get through fertility testing, IVF and adoption process. DD1 came to us aged 1 when I was 40 and my DH was 44. DD2 came to us 3 years later.

All I can say is, I'm glad SS don't agree with you.

If I were you OP I'd try to conceive but not with your current partner; leave him (not wanting you there on his birthday- wtaf??).

Use a decent sperm donor & just go for it.

Personally I'm 42, childless & single but I suffer from schizo affective disorder so getting pregnant alone would be a really bad idea for me. I'm devastated to be childless.

But if I was you - healthy - I would definitely go it alone.

By the way I know quite a few 40s parents of young children with no SN.

@Lizzie48
The difference is that you started at 33 and eventually adopted at 40; the OP would be starting at 43 which means that if she has to go through similar (fertility testing and treatment, applying for adoption) then she could well be much older when she becomes a parent.

It's a personal choice of course but my cut-off would be 40. Anyone 40 or over has absolutely no time to waste.

@AnotherEmma

I would agree with you there. Plus, I think they were more ready to approve our adoption of DD2 because she was a full birth sibling.

@surferjet almost zero ? I think that's not very true actually. Where do you get almost zero from ?

I may not be the norm but I'm not an exception either, I conceived at 42 after coming off the pill 2 months earlier.

Yes generally it's more difficult but there's no need to scaremonger. I think OP gets the message

@surferjet - bollocks! I was 42 when I had DS and only took 6 months to conceive.