Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He was angry I saw friends...

55 replies

lovetobeatpeace · 12/02/2019 16:46

So, me & partner have been together for 10 years. Committed relationship but both older & independent so don't live together. DP struggles with friendships & has very clear parameters re the sort of people he likes & those he doesn't.

Some of my friends who I think are lovely are in his "not like" category so he's never met them - they are also friends associated with my "previous life" when I was married & DP's opinion is that anything to do with past relationships should e left in the past - this includes friendships.

Clearly, I'm not going to bin valued friendships because of this, but I am respectful & generally see these friends in the week given that weekends are when me & DP see each other.

Over the past 12 months or so, I've been back in touch with a friend from the past & been on a couple of spa days with her - and got on well. She invited me to dinner at her house (well she invited DP as well) but knowing they were not his sort of people I said I'd go on my own. This was arranged for Saturday just gone - mostly because they live a fair was away & there was wine involved. I stayed over - again, pre planned. It was friend, her DH & their son.

DP was livid & felt abandoned & betrayed (his words). He was angry that I had "sacrificed" one of our nights to spend with people that (a) he didn't know - subtext being he may not have "approved" of them, (b) that I had "prioritised" them over him & (c) I had accepted the invitation without running it past him - "as a matter of courtesy" he said.

He has insecurities & I try to allay those but ffs, really?! We are middle aged! One Saturday evening in ages that he knew about in advance & made his own plans with his friend.

I think his whole response was unreasonable & as independent adults, we should both be "allowed" to make our own decisions re friendship groups - I wouldn't dream of dictating to him or throwing my toys out of the pram because he very occasionally wanted to do something on a Saturday night without me - in fact I'd welcome it!

It's not just me is it?

OP posts:
AuntieCJ · 12/02/2019 16:48

Not just you. Very controlling.

OnoAnotherNC · 12/02/2019 16:50

No it's not just you. He sounds rather controlling. Are you sure you're compatible? Not suggesting LTB but it doesn't sound ideal.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 12/02/2019 16:51

He needs to be gone op.
Seriously he sounds like a teenager.
And you would be his enabler to let this drop.
Find a man who embraces the ones who are important to you not tries to isolate you from them.

Crocky · 12/02/2019 16:52

Definitely not just you. The whole thing is weird. Leaving friendships just because you’ve left a relationship? Not liking people even though he has never met them? Feeling abandoned and betrayed over you having a night with friends?
Nothing about this is ok.

sillysmiles · 12/02/2019 16:52

Personally, that's just bizarre and completely BS. Personally though too I would have invited him though and let him decide to come or not, but set the conditions that I'm going, I'm staying over and you are welcome to come or not, but it's up to you. After that it's up to him if he chooses not to go, and he is chooses not to go then how he fills his time is his business.
Do not get sucked into being responsible to him - that's complete BS.
Often I would check with my OH if I've been invited to something - but that is more to check that there isn't something else on that night or a logistics thing rather than anything else.

TowelNumber42 · 12/02/2019 16:53

He is being ridiculous. I wouldn't even argue it with him any further. An eye roll with "aye right" would be it then I'd be booking more such visits asap and keep doing it until he gets used to it. There'd be no pandering.

frazzledasarock · 12/02/2019 16:54

He expects you to ask his permission before meeting up with friends????

Bin him.

Original poster
lovetobeatpeace · 12/02/2019 16:59

Thankyou! I knew it felt very off & when he came round last night to "discuss" the matter, I said there was no way he was going to dictate who my friends were.

I don't particularly like one of his friends but I'm not going to go off in a strop when he sees them!

He absolutely thinks I'm the uncaring one because I abandoned him,

OP posts:
Lightofday · 12/02/2019 17:04

Judgey, needy, controlling.

Its really not normal for someone to judge your friends as 'not his sort' when he hasn't even met them. Only time I experienced this was in my first relationship aged 17-21, he was an emotional abuser. He didn't like me having supportive friends or indeed, anyone that took attention away from him.

It isn't OK behaviour.

Slowknitter · 12/02/2019 17:04

What?! A grown man feeling 'betrayed and abandoned' by you staying with a friend over night? That is beyond pathetic. And who the hell does he think he is, expecting you to ditch friendships just because they happen to date back to when you were married? Either he is utterly pathetic or he is using his 'insecurities' as a way to control you. Either way it's totally unacceptable. Also, deciding that some of your friends are in his 'don't like' category without even meeting them is totally weird.

Mix56 · 12/02/2019 17:07

Typical controlling behaviour, you come on here even asking if you know your completely correct mind... Sorry, either he accepts you as you are without sulking, sighing, whining, silent moods, or he can simply close the door on his way out.
You can't talk him out of this, he already knows you had left DH before you met him, he wants to control who you see, what you do... You did not sign up for this

Original poster
lovetobeatpeace · 12/02/2019 17:11

Oh I could write a book. It's amazing what becomes normal..

I think because our time together is limited, I have learned to adapt. If I lived with him full time, I would go mad.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 12/02/2019 17:15

Quite a few red flags with him eh!

Unwise to “reserve” weekends for him when he’s not a keeper: if you spend time with friends you’ll still have them long after you’ve dumped him!

StormTreader · 12/02/2019 17:17

He thinks he owns you and hes furious that someone else got your time when he might have wanted it. Not that he DID want it specifically, just that he didn't agree to you being loaned out for someone else to play with.

Megan2018 · 12/02/2019 17:18

OMG!
I know you have your independence but genuinely no idea why you'd tolerate this crap. Seriously. He is beyond weird based on your post.

Why on earth would you want to adapt to this?

pictish · 12/02/2019 17:21

Ugh no. So much is wrong with this.
Can I ask...what is it that your dp dislikes about the friend in your OP that he wouldn’t want to even meet her? Why is she not his sort?

Hidingtonothing · 12/02/2019 17:21

Just the way he 'selects' which of your friends he's 'ok' with would be enough for me. You are 100% right that it's amazing what becomes normal OP, I suspect you can do a whole lot better than his version of normal Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2019 17:23

Op, I shocked and very alarmed that you would tolerate this behaviour for 1 week, never mind 10 years. Your partner is an emotionally abusive control freak. He doesn't like people he's never met. He expects you to get his approval to socialise with your friends. This is outrageous. You are a fool to stay with this horrible man.

TowelNumber42 · 12/02/2019 17:24

Are you binning him off or just carrying on regardless?

purpleleotard · 12/02/2019 17:25

Red Flag

TheFaerieQueene · 12/02/2019 17:26

Life is too short for this sort of nonsense.

Butterymuffin · 12/02/2019 17:26

Do you get to veto what he does with his time? Thought not.

Original poster
lovetobeatpeace · 12/02/2019 17:28

I tolerate it because I care for him & we do have some very nice times together. I honestly think I've subconsciously been trained to accept him as he is.

I came to the opinion a long time ago that he is probably not neuro-typical & I'm sure he doesn't intend to be mean or unreasonable I have had a lot of tears over the years though when it becomes too much or he's being very unreasonable.

Oh dear.

OP posts:
punishmepunisher · 12/02/2019 17:30

What?! What the fuck is he on?

Good grief OP. I don't think I'd be able to keep a straight face at the word "abandoned".

How can you have any respect for him?

Mrskeats · 12/02/2019 17:30

How can he not like people he’s never even met? Saying that, from what you describe I don’t like the sound of him much either.
As others have said it’s needy and controlling.