He was angry I saw friends...

[lovetobeatpeace]

So, me & partner have been together for 10 years. Committed relationship but both older & independent so don't live together. DP struggles with friendships & has very clear parameters re the sort of people he likes & those he doesn't.

Some of my friends who I think are lovely are in his "not like" category so he's never met them - they are also friends associated with my "previous life" when I was married & DP's opinion is that anything to do with past relationships should e left in the past - this includes friendships.

Clearly, I'm not going to bin valued friendships because of this, but I am respectful & generally see these friends in the week given that weekends are when me & DP see each other.

Over the past 12 months or so, I've been back in touch with a friend from the past & been on a couple of spa days with her - and got on well. She invited me to dinner at her house (well she invited DP as well) but knowing they were not his sort of people I said I'd go on my own. This was arranged for Saturday just gone - mostly because they live a fair was away & there was wine involved. I stayed over - again, pre planned. It was friend, her DH & their son.

DP was livid & felt abandoned & betrayed (his words). He was angry that I had "sacrificed" one of our nights to spend with people that (a) he didn't know - subtext being he may not have "approved" of them, (b) that I had "prioritised" them over him & (c) I had accepted the invitation without running it past him - "as a matter of courtesy" he said.

He has insecurities & I try to allay those but ffs, really?! We are middle aged! One Saturday evening in ages that he knew about in advance & made his own plans with his friend.

I think his whole response was unreasonable & as independent adults, we should both be "allowed" to make our own decisions re friendship groups - I wouldn't dream of dictating to him or throwing my toys out of the pram because he very occasionally wanted to do something on a Saturday night without me - in fact I'd welcome it!

It's not just me is it?

My brother is mildly on the spectrum and he's very good to me, generous, helps our parents a lot more than I do. He has boundaries. He helps me when I ask him for help. He doesn't call unexpectedly. He doesn't think he owns anybody.

I also get annoyed with the idea that autism is the REASON for this shitty behavior. My xh may have been on the spectrum mildly as well but it was his low self-esteem and yet his entitlement to my servitude that cause d the problems.

Well he could be autistic
He could be controlling
He could be non neuro-typical .

Whatever label you want to add .If it makes you feel better.

What he IS for sure is an unreasonable cunt..

My DD and I are both autistic, but neither of us would dream of treating people like this! We struggle with change, and misread people’s facial expressions etc, but we certainly don’t feel entitled to vet people's choice of friends, or demand that they spend every weekend pandering to our neediness.
OP, I think you need a serious chat with him, possibly mediated by a counsellor, to lay down some ground rules for the relationship. These should include your right to be an independent adult, to socialise as you wish, to choose friends ditto, and not to be deemed responsible for his happiness.
If he can’t sign up to this, you should give serious thought to leaving him.

Ten years too long.

You are middle aged. When are you going to live your life as you would wish to?

Only half way through the thread, but my god - 10 years of this?! Even my 27yo partner doesn't act like this! (And quite right too!)

Wow, you deserve better. Don't reserve weekends just for him, you make plans with friends as you see fit and if they fall on weekends, well tough shit to your 'D' P