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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He was angry I saw friends...

55 replies

lovetobeatpeace · 12/02/2019 16:46

So, me & partner have been together for 10 years. Committed relationship but both older & independent so don't live together. DP struggles with friendships & has very clear parameters re the sort of people he likes & those he doesn't.

Some of my friends who I think are lovely are in his "not like" category so he's never met them - they are also friends associated with my "previous life" when I was married & DP's opinion is that anything to do with past relationships should e left in the past - this includes friendships.

Clearly, I'm not going to bin valued friendships because of this, but I am respectful & generally see these friends in the week given that weekends are when me & DP see each other.

Over the past 12 months or so, I've been back in touch with a friend from the past & been on a couple of spa days with her - and got on well. She invited me to dinner at her house (well she invited DP as well) but knowing they were not his sort of people I said I'd go on my own. This was arranged for Saturday just gone - mostly because they live a fair was away & there was wine involved. I stayed over - again, pre planned. It was friend, her DH & their son.

DP was livid & felt abandoned & betrayed (his words). He was angry that I had "sacrificed" one of our nights to spend with people that (a) he didn't know - subtext being he may not have "approved" of them, (b) that I had "prioritised" them over him & (c) I had accepted the invitation without running it past him - "as a matter of courtesy" he said.

He has insecurities & I try to allay those but ffs, really?! We are middle aged! One Saturday evening in ages that he knew about in advance & made his own plans with his friend.

I think his whole response was unreasonable & as independent adults, we should both be "allowed" to make our own decisions re friendship groups - I wouldn't dream of dictating to him or throwing my toys out of the pram because he very occasionally wanted to do something on a Saturday night without me - in fact I'd welcome it!

It's not just me is it?

OP posts:

Original poster

lovetobeatpeace · 12/02/2019 17:36

Not his sort of friends are people who he thinks are "not compatible with our lifestyle". This means people who are different to him & like different things to him..especially those who knew my exh &/or have a lot of wealth/flash cars/houses.

It sounds barking written down like that..

OP posts:

punishmepunisher · 12/02/2019 17:37

Does he have any diagnosed MH issues?

Lightofday · 12/02/2019 17:38

The question is, is he 'not neurotypical' because of say... autism? Or because of a personality disorder? Because I understand how someone might make excuses for this behaviour from someone the suspect has former, but not for someone they suspect has say...a cluster b personality disorder.

Lightofday · 12/02/2019 17:38

*has the former

Luckingfovely · 12/02/2019 17:39

Pathetic, needy, and controlling, all at once - that's quite a package!

There is nothing normal about his approach to life or this relationship.

Sorry, but - RUN!

Original poster

lovetobeatpeace · 12/02/2019 17:40

Lightofday - I think autism in some form.

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 12/02/2019 17:43

I know you have your independence but genuinely no idea why you'd tolerate this crap.
Seriously. He is beyond weird based on your post.

Agreed.

HollowTalk · 12/02/2019 17:44

I couldn't live like that. Surely you want to be free to see who you want, when you want, without someone telling you what you can and can't do? To me, that would be a basic requirement.

Ethel80 · 12/02/2019 17:44

This is very controlling behaviour and definitely not something you have to put up with. You are free to do whatever you want with your weekends.

If he actually made an effort with your friends you could socialise together.

You deserve better @lovetobeatpeace

Lightofday · 12/02/2019 17:45

Yeah I guess that might make sense as they can be very fixed in their thinking.

I've seen covert-npd and autism mistaken
for one another though. I'm actually having that dilemma with someone atm as to which it is as things like the stubborness ect... can overlap. I want to think the best of this person though so... I guess time will tell.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 12/02/2019 17:49

FFS, here we got again with the maybe he's depressed/autistic/mental health issues.

He's an abusive, controlling cunt and by continuing the relationship and 'adapting' you are colluding in and enabling his abuse of you.

Funny how you're not permitted to see your friends on your terms but he is.

There is NO point in wasting any more tears over this twat or starting threads on the internet to prove to yourself that he's the one with the problem.

Life is very short, OP. Why waste it on an abusive dick like this when it sounds like you've got plenty of friends and you say you've had 'many tears' over the years.

StormTreader · 12/02/2019 17:50

Someone can be on the spectrum and ALSO be a controlling reverse-snob, just something to be aware of.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 12/02/2019 17:50

My son has autism. I'm getting heartily fucked off with how many people on MN use it as a means to dismiss and minimise abusive behaviour.

pog100 · 12/02/2019 17:50

Thank God you have your independence is all I can say. This is completely ridiculous and I think you should think very seriously about the future with him.

harriethoyle · 12/02/2019 17:52

Wowzer. So many red flags you could make bunting!

Get rid...

TowelNumber42 · 12/02/2019 17:52

I wouldn't get enough joy from a relationship like yours. No matter why he is how he is, it wouldn't work for me.

Does the relationship as a whole add joy to your life? Is it worth it?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/02/2019 17:54

You don’t sound in love OP- is this more of a friendship with him

duckling84 · 12/02/2019 17:57

I read your OP and immediately wondered if ASD as opposed to controlling. Which could explain why he struggled with the change in routine. And now I've read the thread I see you think along the same lines.
I'm just glad you see you don't live together. Keep it that way. (Btw, yanbu)

AFistfulofDolores1 · 12/02/2019 17:58

Please don't excuse your partner's atrocious behaviour with that Mumsnet catch-all of an autism diagnosis.

It's simply atrocious behaviour, and, as you say, you've been conditioned to accept it, which is another way of saying you are in a co-dependent, if not abusive, relationship.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 12/02/2019 17:58

Yep, you can be neurotypical & an arse & neurodiverse & an arse.

Best distinction is that it might be an explanation, should never be an excuse to behave badly.

Original poster

lovetobeatpeace · 12/02/2019 17:59

I'll be honest, it's probably more about companionship. I'm not sure I would call it joyful though...

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2019 18:05

What do you get out of this relationship now, you're getting something out of this so what is it?.

I think you need a better male companion actually, what form of companionship does he really give you here?. Is he really better for you than you being on your own?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up.
Why is your relationship bar so low that he has been in your life at all for a decade?.

His behaviour is controlling and controlling behaviour in itself is abusive. And FWIW I doubt very much he is actually on any autistic spectrum at all, suggesting such of him at all also shows me your own poor understanding of what ASD actually is.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2019 18:09

There are more red flags in your above comment re this person than there is at a communist party meeting. Its a complete overreaction to a meeting with your friends.

Control like this is really insidious in its onset and creeps up on people. My guess too is that if you saw this from him in the early days you would have left but you did not see or recognise the red flags that were likely present then too.

Pomello · 12/02/2019 18:15

Oh this sounds like my xh. Don't indulge this nonsense like I did when I was young and stupid! You say you're older so no wonder you SEE it.

My x started with this ''poor me'' routine when I occasionally saw other friends but it progressed.

The fact that your 'partner' doesn't like all of your friends is neither here nor there. You give however much time you choose to give him. Your time is not his to dictate either! I'd make that clear. It's nice to spend most weekends together but he doesn't now OWN your weekends!!

Also the fact that he cannot even meet/be polite to/interested in your friends if they're not ''his type'' (pre-approved!) is worrying.

My x hated anybody he thought might encourage me to think for myself, any woman brave enough to stay long term single, any woman who seemed happy and single and independent and confident. Those people in a nutshell were NOT his type. He liked my friends who had settled down early.

TowelNumber42 · 12/02/2019 18:17

Get a new companion?

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