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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH no longer abusive

69 replies

MsFeeder · 12/02/2019 11:02

I’m in a sort of limbo with DH, we have been married many many years (no kids) but it has been a physical, emotional and financial abuse based relationship. I finally had enough a few months ago and threatened to leave and overnight he stopped all forms of abuse.
Since then he has not put a foot wrong and seems to be a reformed character. I have found freedoms that he would not allow before like buying my own clothes, choosing how I want my hair and makeup, what and when I eat and how I spend my money which is now in my own account.
I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has been in the same position? I feel very confused and conflicted about the whole thing. One part of me sees the change and the othe part of me resents it?
He also asks for reassurance several times a day that I won’t leave him which I’m finding increasingly irritating and draining!
I’ve also started being atttracted to other men (but not acting on it!) which is something I haven’t done since my teens and think this is a good indication that I no longer want to be with DH?
Just looking for anyone who has been through similar or can offer some advice?

OP posts:
CatToddlerUprising · 12/02/2019 11:03

A man like that will never change- I can him being on ‘good’ behaviour for a few weeks and then he will start again.

Ragnarthe · 12/02/2019 11:03

Did he admit his behaviour was wrong and apologise?

Ragnarthe · 12/02/2019 11:04

I think it's a ploy to stop you leaving and he will revert to his former behaviour.

thenightsky · 12/02/2019 11:06

See if he can keep it up for a year.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2019 11:08

Its a ploy to stop you leaving; he wants to give you hope that he has changed.

Such men never change.

Loopytiles · 12/02/2019 11:10

It is very unlikely that he has stopped the abuse. Odds are v low of him sustaining this for long. It’s just a “nice” part of the cycle.

It also shows that for all the time he was abusing you he could have stopped, had he wished to do so. He chose to abuse you, and if you stay with him will do so again in the future.

Recommended frequently on MN is Lundy Bancroft on that, and in general.

It’s great that you don’t have DC with him!

Original poster
MsFeeder · 12/02/2019 11:11

Ragnarthe- He has apologised and admits he was wrong, he seems genuinely sorry for what he has done to me and is trying to put it right.

But I guess I feel conflicted because I do have the suspicion that what you and CatToddlerUprising have said that he is likely to revert to his old ways.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 12/02/2019 11:12

Don’t have an exit affair, because of the risk to your safety.

If/when you decide to leave, seek advice on doing it as safely as possible.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2019 11:12

He will be back to his old tricks just as soon as he feels he has you under control again. He will never truly change. You should get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.

Onemansoapopera · 12/02/2019 11:15

If this is seen as a ploy, is there any point anyone ever trying to change their ways ? Genuine question, would it still be seen as a ploy if op wanted to stay with her DH or would that be seen as positive change?

BertrandRussell · 12/02/2019 11:15

He’s still abusing/controlling you by asking for “reassurance” several times a day....

trulybadlydeeply · 12/02/2019 11:19

He's not a reformed character, would be my bet. I do believe that some abusive people can change their ways, but I think it that needs long term counselling/therapy and commitment over many years for changes to really occur. I think with what you have described, it's all part of his abusive nature, and merely part of the game to get you back on side, and ultimately make you more vulnerable.

Regardless, you don't sound like you love him or want to be with him. Seeing as you now have control over your own money (can you see how awful it sounds that you didn't have that??) use this time to plan how you are going to end this relationship.

Starlight456 · 12/02/2019 11:21

I suggest you do the freedom program I bet their is a lot of controlling behaviour. My abusive ex wanted to start again . I didn’t jus abuse killed my live for him.

Do you still want him? I would be making an exit plan still.

I also would see it as the nice cycle trying to put you back in your place

Kittykat93 · 12/02/2019 11:22

How can you still be in love with someone who has abused you so badly? Genuine question as I just can't understand it. It wouldn't matter if he had changed his ways or not, the fact is he was happy to hurt the person he supposedly loves and control them in the worst way.

Everytimeiseeher · 12/02/2019 11:24

My abusive exh kept up good behaviour for a year as he was on a good behaviour order placed on him through the courts for assaulting me and yes almost to the day the bad behaviour came back with a long bout of the silent treatment then picking arguments/fights. I left him and am now very happy. I can’t b I put up with that for so long.

Original poster
MsFeeder · 12/02/2019 11:26

LoopyTiles - this is something I’m having trouble with, the fact he could of stopped before but didn’t, thanks for the book recommendation!

Onemansoapopera - I appreciate your perspective, I don’t know why but I feel I owe him a chance to put things right but how long do I give him? Until he goes back to his old ways, set a deadline in my mind or go with my gut and end it now?

BertrandRussell - you’re right, that’s why I find it so annoying and unsettling! It actually makes me feel nauseous when he asks me any specific question makes me feel like I’m being interrogated even if I haven’t done anything “wrong”.

OP posts:
Kismetjayn · 12/02/2019 11:28

Fantastic! So he won't screw you over in the divorce, and won't abuse any future partners as he now knows it's wrong. You can each move on to your separate happily ever afters ;)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2019 11:33

"I don’t know why but I feel I owe him a chance to put things right but how long do I give him? Until he goes back to his old ways, set a deadline in my mind or go with my gut and end it now?"

You do not owe him anything let alone a chance to put things right. The nice/nasty cycle you have and indeed continue to see from him is a continuous one. Perhaps too you are confusing love with codependency. Abuse too is about power and control; this individual has wanted absolute over you.

Original poster
MsFeeder · 12/02/2019 11:37

Trulybadlydeeply & Starlight 456 - thank you I think making an exit plan will be a good place for me to start

Everytimeiseeher - I’m so glad you found the happiness you deserve!

KittyKat93 - it’s a very strange thing to explain but the abuse starts so subtly you just aren’t aware it’s happening to you, the best way to describe it is like you are being brainwashed. My logical brain knows it’s abuse but my emotional brain “knows” it’s love. Wish I had never met him!

OP posts:
Original poster
MsFeeder · 12/02/2019 11:43

KismetJayn - I do fear if I actually left he would then revert to being a monster and still try and dominate my life as a punishment!

AtillaTheMeerkat - you’re right about confusing love with codependency, I’ve been so isolated in my life with him, I have no friends or family and only interact with others at work.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 12/02/2019 11:46

But op, people don't abuse and control people they love, you must know that Sad

Kismetjayn · 12/02/2019 11:47

Ah, there's your answer then;
He hasn't really changed. He's just trying a new control tactic and will use whichever one works.

Always1700 · 12/02/2019 12:03

Similar experience and different perspective. My DH changed and here I am some years on, I'm happy and I have a DC and he is a wonderful father and DH. Try not to be sucked into the negativity, only you know what is best for you as you live your life and if you are seeing a change in your DH only you will know if it's TRUE. Only time will tell but I gave it time and it has worked out for me and my family. I don't agree that people cannot change, stay positive and communicate with your DH.

CatToddlerUprising · 12/02/2019 12:16

Has he started counselling? Sought any sort of professional help for his deplorable personality? Words and the little he has done so far mean nothing until he actually shows significant action.

Original poster
MsFeeder · 12/02/2019 12:16

KittyKat93 - I appreciate your words but if you haven’t been in this awful situation it’s very hard to believe why any abused person would love their abuser but they do. I know I should hate him but at the moment I just feel guilt for thinking about leaving him after he has attempted to change! I know this shows how emotionally damaged I am.

KismetJayn - I hate all this game playing, it makes me worry he is secretly plotting other things!

Always1700 - I’m so pleased everything worked out for you. I just don’t know how I can ever completely trust him again, I just feel so suspicious of him when he is good.

OP posts: