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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH no longer abusive

69 replies

MsFeeder · 12/02/2019 11:02

I’m in a sort of limbo with DH, we have been married many many years (no kids) but it has been a physical, emotional and financial abuse based relationship. I finally had enough a few months ago and threatened to leave and overnight he stopped all forms of abuse.
Since then he has not put a foot wrong and seems to be a reformed character. I have found freedoms that he would not allow before like buying my own clothes, choosing how I want my hair and makeup, what and when I eat and how I spend my money which is now in my own account.
I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has been in the same position? I feel very confused and conflicted about the whole thing. One part of me sees the change and the othe part of me resents it?
He also asks for reassurance several times a day that I won’t leave him which I’m finding increasingly irritating and draining!
I’ve also started being atttracted to other men (but not acting on it!) which is something I haven’t done since my teens and think this is a good indication that I no longer want to be with DH?
Just looking for anyone who has been through similar or can offer some advice?

OP posts:

Kittykat93 · 13/02/2019 07:27

@AgentJohnson

Well put

Original poster

MsFeeder · 13/02/2019 08:36

Thank you all for sharing your advise and experiences.

I spoke to him last night and asked why and he said it’s because he was insecure and was frightened of losing me and knows that it was so wrong and he won’t behave in any abusive way anymore and that he will go to counselling.

I’ve told him about the need for reassurance being so draining and he has said he will stop this too. He has reiterated that he just wants me to live my life the way I want but to share it with him and he will support me in my choices and that over time I will see that he has changed.

We spoke for hours and I’ve told him that it’s too little too late and the damage he has done can’t be undone and I can’t forgive and forget.

I asked him to leave but he refused

I feel so exhausted and broken but know this has to end because even if he has changed I can never truly be myself with him.

I need to start putting some money aside and look into housing and divorce and starting getting myself ready to end this!

OP posts:

Always1700 · 13/02/2019 09:09

Please continue the communication with your DH, it's good you spoke to him about the reassurance and he is listening/doing. I felt similar to you and I have come through it with DH. We will all give you advice here but none of us are qualified or understand your personal situation so it may also be helpful for you to seek some professional councelling individually or with your DH.

IAmWonderWoman · 13/02/2019 09:20

Counselling with an abuser isn’t recommended.

BertrandRussell · 13/02/2019 09:24

The fact that he hasn’t made any effort to seek help for his behaviour is the biggest issue here. Couple counselling with an abusive partner is a seriously bad idea.

pog100 · 13/02/2019 09:26

Why are you so invested in changing the OP's mind @Always1700 ? Her last two posts make it very clear that her life with him till now is too much to forget and they need to split. She isn't you, her life isn't yours, she now needs support.
You will be fine OP, you sound determined

pepperjack · 13/02/2019 09:38

I do know someone who did this after an ultimatum and became a much better person.
They've been married for over 50 years and are very good friends, do lots of stuff together

toach · 13/02/2019 09:42

Always1700's posts are worrying. It seems pretty obvious to me that the OP wants out, she's moved on in her head.

There are no children in the mix, time to put yourself first OP, so what if he has changed, you've changed too. It doesn't sound to me as if you love him anymore, he's killed it.

JohnJacobJingleheimerSchmidt · 13/02/2019 10:21

NC for obvious reasons. I'm going to go against the grain here because I believe people can change. I used to be abusive to my DH (I'm female) - physically but also verbally, and through controlling behaviour and emotional blackmail. I was only prompted to change when he gave me an ultimatum. But it took a hell of a lot more than just promising to change. I went to counselling - a few different types until I found something that helped me. I read books to try and understand what was driving my behaviour. I joined a 12-step program for abusers. I gave up alcohol. And we told our close family and a few friends, because I think abuse thrives in secret. It was hard, hard work, and it was humiliating, and it took a long time. For a long time DH didn't trust me at all, and I had to accept that I had forfeited my right to be trusted. And it was hard for him too, to put himself in a situation where he was vulnerable. It was hard to figure out how to create an emotional environment where he felt safe to assert himself, even though he (quite understandably) didn't believe he was safe.
OP, if you want to get out, then by all means get out, and get somewhere safe.
But if there's a part of you that wants to stay, make it clear that he needs to be taking practical, demonstrable steps to change, and that he needs systems in place that will hold him to his commitment to change. And until you're convinced, have an exit plan in place and ready to go. Better yet, go now, at least on a temporary basis, and if he really does change (and set SMART goals to measure this by), you can always come back.
Kudos to you for realising that you're better than this.

dellacucina · 13/02/2019 10:27

JohnJacobJingleheimerSchmidt

Did you realise you were mistreating your DH at the time? Why do you think you were open to changing - were you ready anyway?

Original poster

MsFeeder · 13/02/2019 12:01

JohnJacobJingleheimerSchmidt & Always1700 - I appreciate you both sharing a different perspective on this, I expected to get a range of views on a public forum which is why I posted.

I’m glad that things have worked out for you both, but for me the right decision is to end my marriage.

Pog100 - I am determined but I just have to stay that way!

toach - you’re right I have changed and grown to realise I don’t need him.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 13/02/2019 14:30

Get in touch with Women's Aid, you have no children with him so it will make leaving slightly easier.

He won't change OP, you have been suffering full on abuse in all it's facets, really feel for you.

His nice persona now is to stop you leaving then he will revert to type but this you know already, go on, keep going, a life free from abuse awaits you, you deserve it!

Can't believe a poser is encouraging you to communicate with a person who has abused you, absolutely vile.

JohnJacobJingleheimerSchmidt · 13/02/2019 17:52

@dellacucina
Did you realise you were mistreating your DH at the time? Why do you think you were open to changing - were you ready anyway?

Yes. I hated how I was. I absolutely knew it was wrong but was so trapped in the cycle of disordered thinking, fear of a loss of control, and acting out to try and mitigate those thoughts and fears that I couldn't see a way to change. I thought I was just an inherently vile person - I can't describe the utter relief at discovering that there was help available to support me to change. However, I recognise that many abusers have a different mindset (not that I'm better than any of them - I was just fortunate to have people around me encouraging me to sort my life out) and perhaps won't want to change. Trying to work things out wouldn't be the best thing in that case, and the OP has quite sensibly realised that that's not the way forward for her relationship.

Zwischenwasser · 13/02/2019 20:49

There are no kids, no reason to stay. It’s dead.

Walk away.

Ps the fact that hw WONT leave speaks volumes. You aren’t actually a real person, just a prop, a walk on part in his life for him to use as he wishes.

Nagsnovalballs · 14/02/2019 07:25

Yes him refusing to leave shows he is not willing to put in the hard work and sacrifice that the pp as ex-abuser did.

If he was willing to work on it, he would do as you asked and then go to therapy and start the long slow process of breaking himself down and rebuilding. The fact that he won’t do that step for you of giving space, or seeking a compromise that he leaves, goes to therapy and then tries to rebuild your relationship from a new platform in the future, shows that he just wants to say the right things to keep you where you are.

Kittykat93 · 14/02/2019 08:14

If he had really changed and wanted to fight to earn your trust he would respect you and leave, to give you space. The fact he's refusing speaks volumes

MistressDeeCee · 14/02/2019 09:30

He's manipulative. If you hadn't threatened to leave he'd still be abusive to you, too.

He's managed to stop being abusive, to get what he wants now. Strange he didn't manage to stop when he was hurting and upsetting you, isn't it?

He will revert to type when he feels you definitely won't leave. But even if he doesn't revert - a man with the capability to be abusive is a cruel person and it's not wise to be around or stay with someone of that character.

5LeafClover · 14/02/2019 12:36

So he won't leave but...

He has reiterated that he just wants me to live my life the way I want but to share it with him and he will support me in my choices and that over time I will see that he has changed.

He's still controlling you. This is his plan for you, it's a bit like a training schedule really isn't it? Of course things went a bit off track when you realised that he's a controlling so he's putting a bit of good behaviour in so he's sure you'll both be happy to forget all about it.

Obviously he won't be leaving because that's not in his plan and as far as he's concerned, only he gets a vote. Just out of interest, did he give you a big list of things you do wrong that make him abusive?

5LeafClover · 14/02/2019 12:39

Should read when you realised he's a controlling xxxx. I'm too polite to write knob but the stars I used instead disappeared.

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