DH no longer abusive

[MsFeeder]

I’m in a sort of limbo with DH, we have been married many many years (no kids) but it has been a physical, emotional and financial abuse based relationship. I finally had enough a few months ago and threatened to leave and overnight he stopped all forms of abuse.
Since then he has not put a foot wrong and seems to be a reformed character. I have found freedoms that he would not allow before like buying my own clothes, choosing how I want my hair and makeup, what and when I eat and how I spend my money which is now in my own account.
I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has been in the same position? I feel very confused and conflicted about the whole thing. One part of me sees the change and the othe part of me resents it?
He also asks for reassurance several times a day that I won’t leave him which I’m finding increasingly irritating and draining!
I’ve also started being atttracted to other men (but not acting on it!) which is something I haven’t done since my teens and think this is a good indication that I no longer want to be with DH?
Just looking for anyone who has been through similar or can offer some advice?

CatToddlerUprising - he offered to go to couples counselling with me but I’m just too ashamed. No one in real life knows. Looking back he never offered to go to counselling himself just offered it to me or to go as a couple. He clearly doesn’t think he is in the wrong does he? Aaarrrggh!

I don't believe a man like that can change, but even if he could I would not be able to forgive his past behaviour. I would ltb, no question about it.

My DH had some counselling and it helped change his way of thinking and general approach to life. If you are willing you can trust your DH again and from what you have written he sounds like he has realised his mistakes and wants to put right (this is a HUGE step!!) My advice is to keep communication open with your DH as this will help in the short and long term.

My experience is that an abuser will not change. Oh, they'll 'take responsibility', they'll cry, and apologise and 'reform'. but it's all lies and plots.

You don't have a communication problem, which is why couples counselling is not recommended when there is abuse. He knew when he was abusing you it was wrong, and he didn't care.

He only wants to keep control over you, and he WILL take revenge for the freedom you are now experiencing.

Please get out ASAP.

Read The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. It completely turned my marriage around.

It sounds to me like the relationship was already over and you are now just confused and feel you no longer have "grounds" to leave? If that's so then it's not the case. You are allowed to have had enough. You don't owe him another chance just because he is trying now. If my abusive ex came back to me and had transformed into the perfect man I would still not get back with him because the history and the memories are too much. You are entitled to make that decision, it's your life.

I agree bis constant seeking reassurance would be incredibly irritating. It's like a child who has been punished by removal of a privilege constantly asking when they will be allowed back on it.

It's also a bit chilling don't you think? That he knows exactly which behaviors were the problem and was able to stop them all overnight. That almost suggests that he was consciously choosing to be abusive before even though he was aware it was wrong and intimidating for you.

People might be able to change but not like this. It doesn't feel right. It also feels like too little too late.

Always1700 & EveG1 - I so want to believe he has changed but there is so much doubt and don’t think I could ever completely trust him again.

Deadringer & ChristmasFluff - I got so close to it ending last time he even left for a couple of days, it was so liberating and I started feeling like myself again, any time we are apart I feel so free but it’s always tinged with a fear he’s checking up on me and that I have to behave how he expects. I know I need to leave but it’s so hard actually seeing it through!

Your last post is your answer. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself to feel free to breathe.

I would make your exit plan and put it into action.

I stand by my advice only you know your DH and if he is showing you that he is willing to change and is changing with some time it will help you stop resenting. If his need for reassurance is impacting you then talk to your DH and resolve this. Also the book recommended above is a decent read and helpful.

I was in a similar situation. Ex H promised he had changed, but only after something bad happened to him. He never saw the pain he was causing me and would have carried on if he had not been removed from the house.

I think if your H had one day noticed what he was doing to you and changed, there might have been a glimmer of hope, but he's only doing it because he is in danger of something bad happening to him.

Even if my ex had changed (he didn't, he's even worse now) I don't think I could have forgiven him for the years of abuse

Yes, or he reforms for a while - a year, 5 years, 10 years... and then something will happen that’ll cause things to ratchet up. A death in th efamily, a job loss.

And in all that time, op will have lost that Year/ 5 years / decade when she could have been free from waiting with bated breath to see if/when/how he starts to go back to his old ways. Even if he never did, how horrible to live a life constantly alert, in slight anxiety, waiting for the signs that it’s happening again.
Much better to split up. If he is genuinely reformed, he can go on to lead a healthier relationship from the start with someone new, having taken a valuable life lesson from his relationship with op. It’s unlikely he will totally change, but it’s possible. Life isn’t always about maintaining every relationship until death, but sometimes allowing friends and partners to move on/out of your life with you both taking something valuable from your time knowing each other. Op can then heal from this difficult relationship and go on to build new ones with a better sense of herself and of relationships. Win all round.

My ds went back 3 times to the man who physically and emotionally abused her. Every time he promised to change-and did for a while. He is now doing exactly the same thing to another woman. Dd loved him unconditionally-and did so for months after he was convicted for hitting her. There is nothing logical about human relationships.

If your DH is doing all he can, listening, changing and a part of you wants your marriage to heal and become stronger then you can focus your energy into making this happen. As I said previously I did and don't believe I could be happier right now. Try spending sometime together away from the usual daily grind (doesn't have to be extravagant), it really helped us and me heal and become stronger.

I would bet that although he is being less overtly controlling, your behaviour is still, to some extent, following the behaviour that you know he expects from you. You have been trained in this over many years so much of it will be almost second nature now.

It does sound as though you really don't want to continue with this any more now. Be very careful planning your exit. Don't let him become aware of your plans.

The next to. E he becomes abusive it will be harder to leave as you'll be thinking but he can be nice.

It's a trick, don't fall for it.

I left my abusive husband five years ago and I've never looked back.

I'm now getting married to the most amazing man that has barely raised his voice to me in four years let alone his hand.

I know how you feel, OP.
You get so tired of being hypervigilent all the time and just want things to be nice. But even if they are, you don't feel better. You assure yourself it is better, he has changed, but it only lasts until the next time he does something horrible. Then he says sorry, cries, is lovely, then it happens all over again.

It took me realising how many times I said to my therapist 'but he's being a lot better now/ but he's improved/ but he's doing much better this week' to notice the cycle. He'd do something awful, then be really kind for a couple of weeks, then let it slide and be fairly unremarkable for a week or two, then do something awful again.

And during the unremarkable week, he'd expect me to have completely forgiven all the horrible things he had done because he wasn't doing them right at that moment.

I was done walking on eggshells by then and called him out on every instance of disrespect and boy, have there been a lot of them. He's being so 'nice', doing chores around the house, picking up the shopping for me and thinking about dinner so I don't have to... But tbh, a stack of clean dishes doesn't make up for him swearing at me, or undo all the hurt from years of incidents like that.

I felt humiliated accepting his kindness and telling my therapist how much nicer he was being; it felt like being the DV victim whose boyfriend sends flowers to her at work to say sorry for beating her up. They weren't flowers, and he didn't hit me, but I felt the same.

Even if he did change this time. Even if he was perfect. You would still be hurting over the years he spent not being kind, not being respectful. You deserve to find someone who doesn't make you remember suffering when you look at his face.

That's what I meant by 'good, you can both be happy apart'.

If you have helped him see reason, good, he'll not abuse anyone else while you're enjoying your fresh start.

Sounds very confusing, OP. Is he getting counseling or anything of that nature?

OP

I wish all that he does is real!
The change the attention the freedom given to you..honestly I do🌷

Can i ask you to please have an exit strategy in place in case he reverts to his old ways..

Probably another bank account or even having all your papers etc at someonelses place for safe keeping?

Rather be safe than sorry!

But I really do hope he has changed for the better 🌷
Best wishes always

I would leave him precisely because he's being nice. Just proves he was deliberately abusing you and could have stopped at any time.

Nasty piece of work! Get rid!!

My dad used to be a foul tempered abusive cunt. I recall watching him beat my mum up in the street. I can remember the times he took a hammer to my mum's car, smashing it up completely. I remember him killing my family pet when he was drunk and angry. I remember him making me cry almost daily. Such a nasty piece of work. Truly horrible.
I saw him treat wife No.2 similarly but she didn't take half his shit.

Now 20 years later he's a different bloke: he's been with wife No3 for 15 years and is a pretty good dad finally and a lovely grandad. He doesn't have that temper and despite still being a bit mean and nippy when drunk, he is quite tolerable. I've forgiven but not forgotten.

I don't usually think abusive men can change but I guess some do with a conscious effort on their part. OP, don't walk on eggshells and don't let yourself get complacent thinking that your man has definitely changed but take heart knowing that it can happen. If he's still decent after a year or two he might be genuine.

• I do fear if I actually left he would then revert to being a monster and still try and dominate my life as a punishment!

^^
This is all you need to know to understand he has not changed

Living the rest of your life in fear that he may be doing x, y or z or he may start being abusive again is no way to live.

You will still be modifying your behaviour to keep him happy at your expense.

Honestly, I think that even if he has changed you should leave. You don't sound like you want to be there, you just are because of guilt.
If he really had seen the error of his ways I don't think he could really be surprised that you want to end it. How can anyone expect you to trust someone who has done those things, or love them knowing they are capable of that?

I really feel for you and I hope you are safe and make the right decision for you.
Good luck

The reason most abusers continue abuse, is because their victims do not retaliate, leave or make them suffer any consequences.

There are those who will continue to be abusive even when you leave the relationship, but that's usually after you've put up with so much and have been ground down by them. At this stage your self esteem and confidence is in tatters.

He could be being so nice because divorce will cost him a lot, but I would insist he goes to counseling as a condition of not leaving. He needs to get to the bottom of why he felt it was acceptable to treat you like that.... for so long.

I don't think I could forgive him really, but perhaps you can.

Have you asked him why?

Hmm really! Funny how he switched from being very abusive to being nice when it suited him. His niceness is a ploy to stop you from leaving and he will revert back to his normal abusive ways when he feels that you leaving is no longer a threat.

Think of the years of misery you’ve endured and the pain he has caused you, only for him to switch to being nice just like that. There was no lightbulb moment it’s purely out of self interest. He’s invested a lot of energy beating your spirit he’s obviously not going to let that investment walk out the door.

He knows you well enough that any crumbs of kindness he throws your way are enough to keep you around. He isn’t and never will be the reason you’ve stayed in this sbusive relationship. Maybe it’s time you find out why.