Do I expect too much?

[justanotherday4]

Me and DH have 2 young DC together aged 3 and 3 months. Happy healthy kids and feel very thankful for them.

However mine and DH relationship has taken a hit, like I assume all relationships can do after babies come along.

I’m sure he says I constantly nag, and I feel like he’s utterly selfish. He is self employed and works pretty much 8-5 mon- fri and then has a hobby which he loves but also brings in some extra money, hobby is an every day commitment so approx 30 mins to an hour every day plus he will spend all day Saturday on this. Always justified by the fact that it pays for some things for us like.

He also always has something to do on the evenings. I feel like he is forever putting himself first. It’s like if he looks after one of the DC it’s a real favour to me. I really struggle with feeling as though all the concerns over the children fall on my shoulders. Every time I attempt to tell him how I feel he sees it as an attack on him personally and reacts so defensively.

It pains me to say it but I’m starting to feel like I just don’t care any more. I feel like I want to just plod in with the kids and do it myself. I’m sick of forcing him to be involved and then feeling like he’s taking part because I am making him rather than it’s what he wants. He helps with bedtime routine most nights but has so little patience for our 3 yo and I could cry that he doesn’t seem to appreciate how wonderful and how much fun he is.

There’s nothing I can do about this is there? I just need to get on with it for now don’t I?

Your baby is only 3 months so it is such early days and you're got a toddler too.
You really have your work cut out for you.
But you know the baby stage doesn't last forever.
But still it's hard.
Yes dh should be helping more but men are different to women.
And rightly or wrongly that's how it is.
So you have to treat them differently.
For example if you put the rubbish out that's it.
If he put the rubbish out he needs lots of 'thanks '
Men go out to work so in their 'mind' they've done their bit.
However the wise women will 'big' her man up.
For example telling him how you appreciate all his hard work
Providing for the family.
Nagging will just switch him off.
He'll feel like a failure who can do no good. Bad place to be for a man.
But with a bit of geniue praise and appreciation you can have him eating out your hand.

What a depressing response from Robin2323. Possibly he comes from the same misogynistic mould as your DH?
I think you need to keep a bit of a diary for a week and show DH in black and white, then he can't argue that it is clearly unfair on you. Or leave him too it while you pick up a hobby on a Sunday to make your point.

Do you work out of the home?
You say he helps with bedtimes and routines.
So is it after this he does things?
Do you get time to yourself on sunday in return for him doing his hobby Saturday?
It doesn't sound like he is completely disengaged and selfish.
I do understand about carrying the mental burden but if he is working and you are the sahp it is effectively your job
Evenings and weekends should be split or shared.
This sounds very familiar and "normal" when one person is working and one isn't.
He probably sees it that he is working hard to provide for you to be able to stay at home with kids and you see it that he gets time on his own to be an adult and doesn't share in parenting.
Instead of talking about how little you think he does try asking him if he thinks it's fair how you divide up the free time in the evenings and weekends. You might get his perspective on it then, which might be a way of opening a discussion.

For example if you put the rubbish out that's it.
If he put the rubbish out he needs lots of 'thanks '
Bullshit. This is just feeding into his sense that he's doing the OP a favour.
Tell him that as he does his hobby on Saturday you will be taking Sunday as your day off.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. Robin, I’d happily thank him any time he helps out if he did the same to me but as it is, he doesn’t! Some times I think it all over and come to the conclusion that he practically lives in a hotel. He’s not the sole provider for our family, I have decent maternity pay and do intend on going back to work. I suppose I resent that my every decision is based on the LOs whereas he seems to think about number one only. I would just like a bit of thoughtfulness, like even the smallest of things just to help me out and make my life that little bit easier. Right now I just feel filled with resentment.

What a depressing response from Robin2323. Possibly he comes from the same misogynistic mould as your DH?

Ha ha
Load of tosh.
Dh was a very hands on dad ( 4. Kids)

Op I know how you feel.
You are doing a wonderful job.
And it is very hard.
your resentment is very understandable.

Men and women are different.
And to get the best out a man praise works better than nagging.

Believe me I've tried both.

You're going to have to talk to him properly about it and tell him you can't live like this.

When kids arrive both parents have to make compromises, it doesn't sound like anything has changed for him.

Tackle him about his lack of patience - there are some good books he can read, or parenting classes? I found The Social Toddler really good, but that was a while ago and there may be others now.

Robin2323 there are more ways of tackling this than nagging or praising, he's a grown man, not a toddler himself.

Men aren't stupid, you can actually talk through issues and expect them to change their own actions, it's not a woman's job to "train" a man.

There are many ways.
I'm just giving one.
One that works.

Never said men are stupid just different.

If you treat a man like a woman it won't work.

Wish I'd know this in my last marriage- would have saved a lot of tears.

Robin do you know there are actually men who live alone and manage to maintain their homes and parent their children without their mother reminding them to do it all? Did you know that?

Yes.
My husband lived alone for 6 years before we met.

He did everything himself.

Robin, so why did you have to praise and wheedle in such a depressing way once you were married? Did getting a ring on his finger mean he suddenly became unable to vaccuum?

And still after 6 years of living alone he needed to be patronised and babied in order to care for his children and maintain his home once married?

Honestly, Robin2323, people are much more different to each other as individuals than men are different to women.

My husband and I worked out how to share the workload pretty evenly by talking and being considerate of each other with no nagging or infantilising needed. I talk to him like a human, we even speak the same language, I don't have to translate to "manspeak"!

So, that's another method that definitely works without one partner having to treat the other like a five year old.

@Robin2323

I'm left wondering how your husband feels about being treated like a willing but inept toddler rather than an adult, sentient being ?

Just wondering

Ha ha
My husband is VERY happy.
And so am I.

My dh is one of the most hard working men I know.
Capable of almost anything.
Not sure what your point is.
How does criticising me and my dh help op ?

We both work hard.
Have a wonderful life and home.
4 adult children all doing well - in their own homes , and hoovering their own space.- including the boys.

I say thank you every day for my life and no way is it depressing- but I have been just where op is.

To be fair I agree with Robin. While it should be as easy as just asking, men get really disheartened really quickly. If you make them think they're amazing for doing a simple task, you can get what you wanted all along.

It's just learning how to communicate.

Cringe

Depressing. If the women actually believe this stuff, how on earth are we going to get the menz to do their bit?

While it should be as easy as just asking, men get really disheartened really quickly.

I get disheartened by housework really quickly, but as our cleaner retired last summer, it needs to be done, and with the best will in the world, our six year old isn't much of a hand at stripping beds or washing the kitchen floor, so the two adults, both working FT, need to split it. Disheartening or not.

If you make them think they're amazing for doing a simple task, you can get what you wanted all along.

But it's not 'what I want' that makes it sound as if my husband is doing me a favour by doing half of the housework it's just 'stuff that needs doing'. Not my stuff. Which he sees, as he's grown up and lives in the house, too. I couldn't live with Robin's giant toddler, who needs lavish praise and cries of delighted astonishment for making dinner or emptying the washing machine, as though he's brought his finger-painting home from nursery.

It’s like reading a 1950’s housewife’s guide

Ha ha
You can't have him.
He busy making loads of money to treat me.

He amazing.
I couldn't do a tenth of what he does and still has a smile at the end of the day.

At the weekend we were both cleaning/ rodding out the drains
Together.

We are a team.

He would do anything for me.
Give me anything.

And I'm totally grateful and make sure he knows :)

stop enabling him to live in a hotel - presumably you do everything for him stop

The worst though is that he is not being a nice father

He busy making loads of money to treat me.

And you're being prevented from earning your own money because ... you're pinned under some large piece of furniture? You've time-travelled from the 19thc?