Do I expect too much?

[justanotherday4]

Me and DH have 2 young DC together aged 3 and 3 months. Happy healthy kids and feel very thankful for them.

However mine and DH relationship has taken a hit, like I assume all relationships can do after babies come along.

I’m sure he says I constantly nag, and I feel like he’s utterly selfish. He is self employed and works pretty much 8-5 mon- fri and then has a hobby which he loves but also brings in some extra money, hobby is an every day commitment so approx 30 mins to an hour every day plus he will spend all day Saturday on this. Always justified by the fact that it pays for some things for us like.

He also always has something to do on the evenings. I feel like he is forever putting himself first. It’s like if he looks after one of the DC it’s a real favour to me. I really struggle with feeling as though all the concerns over the children fall on my shoulders. Every time I attempt to tell him how I feel he sees it as an attack on him personally and reacts so defensively.

It pains me to say it but I’m starting to feel like I just don’t care any more. I feel like I want to just plod in with the kids and do it myself. I’m sick of forcing him to be involved and then feeling like he’s taking part because I am making him rather than it’s what he wants. He helps with bedtime routine most nights but has so little patience for our 3 yo and I could cry that he doesn’t seem to appreciate how wonderful and how much fun he is.

There’s nothing I can do about this is there? I just need to get on with it for now don’t I?

If your DH is so hardworking and does so much more than you, why on earth does he need encouraged and praised to do anything in the house? Does he get praised like a toddler at his job where he earns loads of money?

MaxBondi

'Who's Mummy's ickle bestest forensic accountant, then? Clever boy! Now do another nice report just like that and you'll get a biscuit!'

he seems to think about number one only
Yet despite knowing this you not only chose to stay with him after dc1 but had another one to him.

Stop shagging him.
Stop enabling him.
Tell him to fuck off if he won't behave like partner and dad of 2.
Or carry on being a martyr.

This could have been written by me x

Ha ha
You're so funny.
I work too - so ?

Don't you say thank you when someone helps you ?

Why so bitter ?

He said thank you to me for cooking his tea tonight.

Go on - pick that apart!

@Robin2323 - i agree with you and what you are saying does make for happy relationships. Men are not hairy women and they respond to different approaches. As you have seen, not a popular view here though! :)

Oh for fucks sake. Thus is such a depressing thread - I feel as if we have been transported back to the 1950s.

No intelligent and sensible man needs to be treated like a giant toddler.

Men are not hairy women no, hairy women are hairy women.

He's not the only one who gets to choose what kind of life to have. I'd be really pissed off at him too.

However I would make it less about saying 'you need to do your hobby less' and more about you saying 'I need more time for my friends/hobby/socialising/relaxing or whatever.

Try to make it so you have a more equal level of free time. Because if you don't get any, you'll go to an early grave! It's incredibly selfish of him to just assume you'll work yourself to the bone so he can enjoy himself like he did before you had kids.

He'll get more patience/skill etc the more he's left in sole charge of the kids. Go off on your own or with the baby more often and leave him to get on with it.

Robin, people are just baffled that your husband is, according to you, a paragon, yet needs to be lavished with praise when he undertakes any domestic tasks, though he is presumably able to carry out workplace tasks without his line manager having to squeal in exaggerated delight every time.

Thanking your husband is treating him like a toddler ?
Don't you thank your mum for help?
Or your Dad?
What if the neighbour brings in You're bin ?
Don't you thank them ?
Or your bosses gives you a tip about a good restaurant?

So if Dh does a 12 hour shift and after tea takes your plate into the kitchen do you NOT say thank you ????

Does a little bit of appreciation cost so much?

And though my husband is valued at work and makes a lot of money for the boss, he always feels happy when the boss says 'what a good job they are doing. ' just like every single person on the planet.

If your way works fine.

But I have a happy husband who looks after me, as I look after him.

We are a team who support
Each other.

He did all sorts to my car last year. Saved me a fortune.
And I thanked him. (Next doors toddler was busy 🤣)

So if Dh does a 12 hour shift and after tea takes your plate into the kitchen do you NOT say thank you ????

That’s just basic manners. That’s nothing to do with the difference between men and women. Or are you saying he doesn’t thank you for the same?

What you’re describing is just basic good manners. How on earth is that helpful to the OP?

I think the difference is that many PPs believe that there is no need to thank your husband for something that is supposed to be his job. That he should be doing it regardless otherwise he is acting like a toddler from the 1950s. What i believe Robin is saying is that men need tp be shown appreciation even when they are just doing their job. Otherwise it may feel that they are taken for granted and this would discourage them from doing their best. There is indeed difference between men and women and it is unwise to ignore it.

Otherwise it may feel that they are taken for granted and this would discourage them from doing their best.

And of course women never feel taken for granted? MN isn’t chock full of threads from women who are sick to the back teeth of husbands sitting on the sofa all weekend expecting to have their meals made, their children reared and their arses wiped for them?

Hadn’t checked in here for a while... thanks all for your advice. Actually properly talked it all out tonight, was very honest with one another. DH pointed out that he’s repeatedly suggested I get a hobby of my own or just get out a bit more in the evenings and tell him what needs doing whilst I’m out and he’ll do it. He also asked would I please take up the odd offer of babysitting from family so we can get a bit of time to be just us. I explained how it feels like becoming a Mum has encompassed my entire being and it’s all I do, yet I wouldn’t change it right now for the world it’s still so overwhelming.

Robin, I hear what you’re saying, slightly embarrassed to say that I’ve tried your approach before but I couldn’t maintain it for much longer than a day but we are all different and I’m glad your relationship works so well for you.

Thanks all for the responses

Fantastic up date.
Whatever works for you.
Sounds like a really supportive guy.
Now a days I find it is not the case of thanking him for ever single thing but just a smiley face of appreciation when you can see he's tired.

Or maybe an unexpected cuddle for no reason.

(Even if you don't feel it)

Or maybe it's just the fact that you don't 'eye roll ' when he massively cocks up, as we all do in a while:)

So first stop get that baby sitter in and date night !

Ps maybe part of supporting your partner is mothering them on occasion.

As long you not reminding them constantly of every little thing.

But everyone likes to be appreciated as what's the point ? and I very much include the women in this.

From what your dh said sounds very much like he appreciates you. Good result :)

Interesting that the outcome of your “big talk” was that you should do more, and increase your “mental load” and think about what he could “help” with.

What is HE going to do to do a fairer share of parenting and domestic work? Is HE going to investigate a sitter?

Many mothers with tiny DC whose partners don’t do a fair share are too tired in the evenings to do a hobby.

Who is doing the night parenting? He should be sharing that.

His daily hobby is selfish in the circumstances.

Suggest couples counselling, as this is likely to be even harder when you return to work.

Would also stop doing any cooking or laundry for him, and get a cleaner if you don’t already have one.

OP loopytiles is right your big update is that it’s your fault you don’t tell him what to do, find a hobby of your own and spend time with him and that somehow you need to apologise for motherhood being all consuming

Whereas he could easily take the initiative.

I politely disagree with the last two posters, I don’t think it’s a case of ‘I’ll help but you have to increase your mental load by babying me up a list of chores’

OP, I’d take it as if he doesn’t normally do certain evening tasks, he’s asking you to let him know what needs doing for you to go out for dinner with friends/hobby/class/family visits by yourself. I see nothing wrong with his request!

Husband and I have certain tasks divvied up and if I help him out or vice versa we’ll ask “what do I need to do” etc and I would like to assume husband wouldn’t roll his eyes and think I’m adding to his ‘mental load’ by me ensuring I’m helping him how he likes/to do the best job.

The proof is in the pudding-get that date night booked, get some time out for yourself even if it’s just visiting people but without babies so you can feel like ‘you’ again and also loved ones have your attention entirely without you being focussed on the children while having one ear in a conversation!
Even if you just nip to your local with husband for a nice tea, maybe get wrapped up and walk there and back and just enjoy each other’s company where you can give 100% of your attention to each other.

Good luck 😊

Her H is an adult: it’s not hard at all to see what needs doing, daily, in the home or with the DC.

OP is doing the domestics and parenting while her H enjoys daily leisure time - and an entire day every weekend.

Why would OP want “date night” with someone who treats her so badly? A date with a couple’s counsellor, maybe.

I think the date night suggestion (from myself anyway) is in response to her husband asking for ‘just us’ time and op saying she feels overwhelmed/all encompassed by mum duties.

See nothing wrong in suggesting a couple of hours out with her husband while they enjoy some tea and a talk where they can give each other 100% of both of their listening/talking skills-is say it’s imperative for any adult in a relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP I hope you feel happier now you’ve both had a chat and I hope everything works out so both of your lives are more balanced in each other’s favour and not just your husband having his own time out 😊

Yes that’s the thing, I often do feel too tired to head out in the evenings and when I do I’m worried I’ll come home to the carnage so I’ve told him that my me time shouldn’t just be about him physically being home for the DCs but also taking on what needs done so I don’t come home regretting that I’ve been out in the first place!

For me the whole beauty of being in a relationship is being part of a team, being able to achieve things you might not necessarily have been able to accomplish or realised that you even could on your own. So as much as we were like this when we first married, gutting a 150 year old house, renovating it from top to bottom by ourselves and having a ball at the same time, 8 years on it seems to be all divided up to my jobs and his jobs and very little joint efforts. Maybe it’s a natural progression that can easily happen if we don’t do something about it- ie me pulling him up on selfish behaviour etc.

Have written a list and stuck it on the fridge last night of what I’d like to get done today, he was away before me and DCs were up and dressed this morning and I came downstairs to find he’s got a cpl of the things done before he left. He really should know himself what to do to help out but if he needs it in black and white for a while then so be it if it gets him more involved in helping out!

I don't have children but some of the same things have reared their head in our relationship. Someone I know wrote a letter to her husband putting all her feelings down and explaining what she didn't think he was doing/needed to be doing. This could be good because it allows you to speak honestly without becoming frustrated and possibly saying the wrong things.

Share all the things that you feel and explain that time spend with you and the kids is more important than the extra money he brings in. Give him some time to digest. As a DH myself, I know that when my wife says things like those you have described, I too get defensive. But when I have had time to think, I realise she is right and there is more that I can do. Might be the same for him?

Also, please don't listen to Robin's advice. Men are not simplistic idiots and don't need to be treated like children, and you don't need to be mother to your DH. Tell him how you feel and give him time to share his responsibilities.

On a deeper level, I think men have been given much more freedom than women from the outset and as a result they get comfortable with women doing things for them. Women have been educated (wrongly) that their role in the house is to 'take care' and when children come along I think this is only heightened. It sounds like you have found yourselves in a routine that needs to be broken. This will take time, but persistence is worth it.

"I would just like a bit of thoughtfulness, like even the smallest of things just to help me out and make my life that little bit easier."

Have you told him this?