"This is your last chance"

[northernlights0710]

This is what was said to me by an overbearing "friend".

I find her demanding and when she rings I think "oh no" because I know she's going to:

1. Persuade me to meet her - usually on or near her territory, doing what she wants to do.
2. Pester me to go on a holiday with her I don't want to go on, and won't take no for an answer.

So when I returned her call the next day, she complained that I was supposed to ring her previously but didn't. And said "Some friend you are", or words to that effect.

I was quite taken aback, and I was on a busy train and didn't want to get into a disagreement in public, and I am bad at responding at the time. I always think of what I should have said two days later.

So I gave in and agreed to meet. She said "I might even let you sleep in until 8am." I don't get up till late morning because I work nights.

As I explained this, she spoke over me, saying: "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....." (sarcastically). And berated me for having a job with unsocial hours.

But afterwards I was pretty annoyed at being spoken to that way and I am just curious as to what YOU would do, or say, in this situation?

My sister suggested that I text her and say, "Hi, I've thought about everything you said the other day and I think you're right. You said I was on my last chance, so I'm going to take it. So I won't be able to meet you after all. No hard feelings and I wish you all the best."

But I don't want to fight with her - and she will slag me off to all her (long-suffering) friends. I am tired of feeling bulldozed. And lectured.

We've fallen out in the past because of similar issues. I don't dislike her - she is interesting - but I wonder if she has something wrong with her.

Anyway, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.

So, so rude!! My instinct is the same as yours, good riddance. But if you think she'll go about getting people on her side and telling others how awful you are maybe do it politely, just say you can't possibly live up to her standards and will give the friendship a rest now , so as not to continually disappoint...
Plenty of interesting people out there who wouldn't treat you like shit and who would respect your night shifts.

I would have long ago ghosted her! No question at all.

You owe her absolutely nothing. If she wants to keep friends, maybe she could try treating them with basic human respect.

Thanks Cordelia and Rvby. That's how I felt - disrespected.

The other friends she's got are people I've maybe met once or twice, so am not that bothered. It's just that I am in walking groups and there is a slight chance I may run into them at some point.

Only you can decide if you're going to grow a back bone and get rid of her rather than allow her to be overbearing and manipulative. Really, it genuinely is a question of "your life your choice". Why don't you do what your sister suggests, she's got it right. Just get shot of her, she adds no value.

I recommend you read the current thread on not giving a shit, it's full of great advice.

Personally I wouldn't have time or energy to waste in someone that doesn't add anything to my life. Anyone who when you seen their name come up on your phone, makes our inwardly groan needs to be ditched!

I've just got rid of someone who was doing similar to me.

Our main communication was through Messenger and I put her on my ignore list. Life is much more peaceful without her making demands on my time and droning on about herself.

Honestly, just ghost her. People like that are not worth the drama of saying anything to - she will only try to turn it around on you and wont accept she's wrong, save yourself the headache.

Thanks Daisy, Holly and Acai.

I've written out a text to her, based on what my sister said, above, and I'm going to send it. Probably tomorrow, as I want to sleep on it and be sure. I expect her to call me and tell me off.

I'm sad about it but she's treated me with no respect or consideration, and she's selfish. She even said to me that she wanted me to go on holiday with her because "no one else wanted to go".

She also fell out a year or so ago with a long term friend she was very close to, because she offended a friend of that friend. The friend found her attitude and behaviour unforgiveable.

I actually think she has some sort of mental or emotional deficit, and I kind of feel sorry for her in a way. I know that makes me sound like an utter doormat, and I am. But I know you're all right.

Acai, you are right, that she won't accept she's wrong. She's gone over the whole falling out with the other friend with me, and there is doubt or questioning of herself at all - she justifies it. And she will do that about me to her other friends too.

Daisychain01 - I looked for the thread about not giving a shit but couldn't find it! What's the title of it please, or could you post a link?
Thanks

She can't call you to tell you off if you block her!

I don't understand why you would put up with being spoken to like this. She is rude and overbearing.

You don't have to put up with it! Send her the text today and explain how she makes you feel. Then BLOCK.

But I don't want to fight with her

Simply block her number and block her on all social media, block her email address etc. That way she can't contact you to berate you.

and she will slag me off to all her (long-suffering) friends.

I mean this kindly but so what? If they know her they know what she is like so will likely completely get where you are coming from. Don't put up with her just because a few randoms might think badly of you.

She is a rude, disrespectful bulldozer. Time to take out the trash as they say.

I hope you can see how abusive she is and how controlling she is of you. Horrendous

You're an adult. You really don't need to put up with this.

Don't fight with her. She calls. She starts on you. You say "This is why we can't be friends." You hang up. She rings back, you say "We cannot be friends. I am blocking you because of your behaviour." then block her. Enjoy being out from under the cosh. Call one of the other escapees and swap stories.

She sounds like a dick. Horrible. No respect or kindness towards you.

I mean this nicely, do you have low-self esteem?
Do you know you can just ignore her and move on with your life?
Do you get anything out of this ‘friendship’?

I like the sound of your sister.

Just dump her. I have enemies that are nicer to
me than that.

She is rude and unpleasant and actually I’d call her abusive as for some reason you feel you owe her time or just a response? You don’t. Just cut her off. She doesn’t deserve your friendship.

I wouldn't bother saying much, just that you think the friendship has run its course, then block her. Who cares if she grumbles to other people you barely know, they probably know exactly what she's like anyway!

You seem concerned about her opinion of you if you end things...

Perhaps that fear has made you hold onto this friendship...

The greatest gift you can give yourself is to stop being concerned with what people think about you or might say about you. Who give a fuck? Are they paying your bills, clothing or feeding you? NO!

Just send a message saying the friendship has run its course ... block and delete and move on with your life!

Life is too short to have people like that sucking your energy!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3503649-How-do-you-get-better-at-not-giving-a-shit-what-people-think-of-you

Here you are northernlights

Also try searching on YouTube for a funny vid by a lady who's name I can't remember, all about Giving Zero F*s.

Sorry I know it's classed as twee on MN to use asterisks but quite frankly my dear I don't swear so I don't give a f@£#% how I look There you go, lesson number one! Oh, and btw you sound far too lovely to waste your time with what sounds like a nightmare of a friend.

She is definitely not a friend OP....not in the true sense of the word.

She sounds awful.

IME you are better off ending all contact with her and you will be relieved that you are no longer having to dance to this selfish person's tune once you have cut all contact.

I think the youtube video is a TED talk - the life changing magic of not giving a fuck.

You're absolutely right redexpat, it is a TED, I was at work when I posted earlier and didn't have time to look it up

It's quite simple, she is being rude, demanding and controlling because you are allowing her to do so! Tell her to shove her "last chance" up her arse.