"This is your last chance"

[northernlights0710]

This is what was said to me by an overbearing "friend".

I find her demanding and when she rings I think "oh no" because I know she's going to:

1. Persuade me to meet her - usually on or near her territory, doing what she wants to do.
2. Pester me to go on a holiday with her I don't want to go on, and won't take no for an answer.

So when I returned her call the next day, she complained that I was supposed to ring her previously but didn't. And said "Some friend you are", or words to that effect.

I was quite taken aback, and I was on a busy train and didn't want to get into a disagreement in public, and I am bad at responding at the time. I always think of what I should have said two days later.

So I gave in and agreed to meet. She said "I might even let you sleep in until 8am." I don't get up till late morning because I work nights.

As I explained this, she spoke over me, saying: "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....." (sarcastically). And berated me for having a job with unsocial hours.

But afterwards I was pretty annoyed at being spoken to that way and I am just curious as to what YOU would do, or say, in this situation?

My sister suggested that I text her and say, "Hi, I've thought about everything you said the other day and I think you're right. You said I was on my last chance, so I'm going to take it. So I won't be able to meet you after all. No hard feelings and I wish you all the best."

But I don't want to fight with her - and she will slag me off to all her (long-suffering) friends. I am tired of feeling bulldozed. And lectured.

We've fallen out in the past because of similar issues. I don't dislike her - she is interesting - but I wonder if she has something wrong with her.

Anyway, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.

Thanks for all your support and suggestions, ladies.

I sent that text today, stating what my sister had suggested, and I feel great. Liberated!

TowelNumber42, I would love to swap stories with another escapee - there are at least three I know of! And yes, my beautiful sister is wonderful - strong and assertive yet kind and moral. A total rock. She's been through the same too previously.

I told her I'd sent the text she'd suggested and she asked me if I'd heard back, which, strangely enough, I haven't yet, but I know the text has been read.

I'm not going to block this woman yet because my sister and I are curious to see what happens next, if anything, but I ultimately I will block her.

Hollybooboo and DianaPrincess, yes, I can see now that she is abusive and controlling.

And yes, I have low self-esteem and lack confidence - but I must hide it as people in RL think I'm confident (I'm not - just a mouse in lion's clothing!). Have tried loads of therapy. Nothing helps.

I think some of the reasons I held off extricating myself are:

1. I dreaded an unseemly confrontation. But it hasn't happened (yet).
2. Having low self-esteem
3. Being lonely.
4. I am clearly unable to recognise crazy people.
5. I felt sorry for her.

But now I'm done. And I can focus on my lovely REAL friends. (I do have some, they are just scattered around the country, unfortunately).

Thanks again everyone - all your responses really helped me to toughen up and do what I needed to do. You ladies are amazing and such a massive support!

Daisy, thanks for that link - I found the TED talk too on YouTube, featuring a Sarah Knight, so I'm going to gorge on it all, haha! Many thanks!

CaptJane, yes, that's what I think too. She is not a true friend. I have good friends and it's a two-way process. We care about each other, are interested in each other's thoughts and opinions, and want to do something that we will both enjoy, be it going to a pub or a movie, or for a walk, or whatever. A friendship is not one person calling the shots, deciding what will happen where, on a timetable that primarily suits their needs.

If only I'd had this clarity before. I could have saved a lot of time.

Don't fight with her. She calls. She starts on you. You say "This is why we can't be friends." You hang up. She rings back, you say "We cannot be friends. I am blocking you because of your behaviour."

Love this. This is what I'm going to do, if she contacts me.

What exactly did you say to her? I'm amazed you haven't heard anything

Maybe she can't help it, so you don't need to waste energy hating her. That said, she isn't your problem. You can't fix her, she can only drag you down. Or rather, now, she can't

So happy that you made the move and took control of the situation OP.I have to confess I was astounded she was your friend in the first place.Apart from her apparent lack of social skills her manner in which she treats you is just reprehensible,She sounds utterly dreadful.I echo other people block and dump her,she doesnt seem to grasp decency and respect at all.Sounds like you have a top sister too!! You do not need any drama in your life nor do you need to feel like you owe this woman anything,I feel sorry for her she has lost out purely on her own making ...silly woman.Do not shy away from confrontation if it comes to it for she deserves to be called out for her behaviour...might make her think again on how to treat people in the future otherwise I fear she will have a very lonely life going forward but that I am afraid is her problem and not yours!

Mummylife, the text I sent to her read:

"Hi Friend'sName, I've thought about everything you said the other day, and on reflection I think you're right. You said it was my last chance, so I'm going to take it. So I won't be able to meet you after all. No hard feelings and I wish you all the best. Northernlights"

I can't believe I haven't heard back from her either. I double checked the WhatsApp message I sent (I also sent a normal text to make doubly sure she got it) and WhatsApp is showing that she read it.

Either she doesn't know how to respond or she's taking a couple of days to think about her response, as I did.

I thought she would ring me and have a go at me, which she has done in the past.

Annie, I don't think she can help it, that's why I always felt a bit sorry for her. More fool me.

Sallycinnamon, yes, she has lost out of her own making!

If she contacts me and wants answers I will tell her, politely, what I think but I don't think it will make her think again because she is arrogant and thinks she's always right.

She moaned to be about another friend who'd fallen out with her and didn't question her own behaviour, only justified it. The friend and everyone else was wrong! (Not.)

To me, not to be!

You did the right thing, hopefully she will not contract you again but I imagine she will!

Thanks heyy - haven't heard a dickie bird from her, which suits me fine!