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Original poster

Is the onus on ex to arrange mediation if he wants to see DC?

57 replies

TheOrdinaryPoster · 09/02/2019 12:40

He has had regular contact for 4 years, much more than any court would give him, practically 50/50.

Around 3 months ago he started a new relationship and contact got less and less. He hasn't seen or spoken to DD for over a month now. I had arranged mediation for next weekend. Having just spoken to him he is saying he will be asking for one night every fortnight and thats it. I think he is paying lip service to seeing his child and clearly has no interest in her anymore.

I'm considering cancelling mediation and saying if you want to see her, you sort it out. I know he won't actually sort it out. Is there any point in dragging a reluctant father into mediation or is the onus on him to arrange it?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 09/02/2019 12:44

Just agree to one night per fortnight then but make sure you have evidence that's what he wanted and not what you offered. You can't really force someone to have more contact than they want via mediation, unless you think you can talk him round. To me it sounds like you would be wasting your money on mediation.

Focus your efforts on supporting DD through this.

He'll have to pay more maintenance, of course.

KataraJean · 09/02/2019 12:46

The onus is on him.
I would save your money and put your efforts into building up DD’s other social and family networks. Of course facilitate the fortnightly contact he wants, if DD also wishes it. But I would be clear to him he must be consistent and he must prioritise it, as it is only one day in fourteen.
But the short answer is no, you cannot force a parent to see their childSad

PinkHeart5914 · 09/02/2019 12:52

Thing is you can’t make someone want to see a child, sad but very true.

I wouldn’t bother with mediation unless he aganges it. I would however just agree now to one night a fortnight as it saves the wasted time of mediation

Original poster
TheOrdinaryPoster · 09/02/2019 12:55

The problem with contact at the moment is that I don't even know where he is living. Possibly with his new girlfriend and i'm not sure how I feel about DD going to sleep around her house. DD keeps asking when she is going back to her and Daddy's house, she doesn't even know he's left that house and all her stuff behind.

DD is really distressed by the whole thing, she has lost the life she knew and he won't even pick the phone up to her when she rings. I don't think he actually wants to see her, I don't know if I should be encouraging her to go and sit round there for 24 hrs every 14 days.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrdinaryPoster · 09/02/2019 12:56

I'm convinced that if I leave him to sort mediation he won't actually do it. He doesn't want to see her without mediation and a written plan (his words). I told him that takes time and his response was 'it is what it is'

OP posts:
BinaryStar · 09/02/2019 13:02

Honestly? Given you have already arranged it I think it would be petty to cancel in order put it back on him. If you hadn’t already arranged it then I’d say let him do it.

KataraJean · 09/02/2019 13:04

Then I would absolutely look at what else you can do to support DD.

Is he going to come to the mediation you have set up?

I think when she does go, it should be daytime contact in the first instance, given the break in contact and the new surroundings so she can get used to it. I think if you go ahead with mediation, you can use the opportunity to lay some ground rules about how contact is re-introduced and consistency.

LemonTT · 09/02/2019 13:07

If your daughter wants to have contact and the arrangements already made will facilitate that, then I think it would be unfair to her to cancel something that is arranged already. One night sounds better than nothing for her, especially if he is living somewhere new and with a new partner. The mediation allows you the opportunity to address concerns about his contact and living arrangements. Let him explain the reduction in contact and the impact he thinks it will have on your daughter.

Original poster
TheOrdinaryPoster · 09/02/2019 13:18

The mediation which is booked is my assessment, then he has to be invited for an assessment and then we get together and arrange the contact plan. Or head to court if we can't agree on aspects.

He refuses to respond to any messages so we can't agree outside of mediation.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 09/02/2019 13:29

I would go to mediation. Get it all signed up and agreed. Then go after him via CSA to get him to pay for his child. If he tries to go back to 50/50 when his relationship falls apart, you will have all the evidence that he is just messing dd around to fit in with his life.

Original poster
TheOrdinaryPoster · 09/02/2019 13:33

He has always paid quite a bit above the CSA amount, on time every month. Last two months it was late and down to the CSA minimum. First time he's ever done that in 4 years.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 09/02/2019 13:38

Keep all the information in case you run into problems later but for now it's probably in your (and your dds) best interest to arrange the mediation and get the one day a fortnight. After that, if he wants to go back to 50/50 let him organise it himself via the courts.

How old is your dd? I think you do need to tell her that her df does not live at that house any more. It will be better for her to know that to be left in the dark wondering.

KataraJean · 09/02/2019 13:39

If you are the resident parent, I do not think you can take him to court. So basically if he does not go to his assessment and mediation, you are stuck.
I think my view has slightly changed from my initial post - I would go to this intake assessment meeting and lay out your concerns, and then it is up to him and you have done everything you can.

Original poster
TheOrdinaryPoster · 09/02/2019 13:40

She's 4. I have tried to explain but she just keeps asking when she can go back and where her stuff is. Her nursery teacher said she's been talking to them about it quite a bit too.

The same as asking why daddy isn't answering her facetime calls anymore, i've just been saying he is really busy at the moment but i'm not sure how long that will last or if I should stop her calling so she doesn't get disappointed when he doesn't answer?

OP posts:
KataraJean · 09/02/2019 13:40

I also agree to tell DD that her dad is not at that house anymore and in age appropriate language that you are doing your best to clarify things.

KataraJean · 09/02/2019 13:41

Can you ask her dad to return things she is asking for?

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 13:44

Does this not seem really, really strange? Those are some massive changes in a short space of time!

If he was just going to be a wastrel father wouldn’t he have done that from the get go?

Honestly, I’d stick with the mediation but be prepared for him not to stick to it!

I just can’t quite believe that he would change so massively in such a short space of time!

KataraJean · 09/02/2019 13:47

I would believe this from my own experience. It makes me wonder if the girlfriend is pregnant or there is a bit of the story OP is missing.

poppingoff · 09/02/2019 13:50

He's sounds bloody awful, OP Thanks

But, I would continue with your attempt at mediation. Then at least one of you can look your daughter in the eye and say you tried your best. I think starting off with daytime contact, and then building up to over night is best in the circumstances, as suggested by PP. I'd also stop having her phone him if he doesn't answer Sad What a pathetic excuse for a father he's quickly become!

Don't let let child maintenance slip. Get right on and sort that ASAP.

Original poster
TheOrdinaryPoster · 09/02/2019 13:51

There is a bit i'm missing yes because I didn't want to be identifiable but I suppose its pretty identifiable anyway now.

He left his partner and child (DD's half sibling) at the same time this all happened. They were all living in the house together. She has now moved elsewhere and he has just abandoned the house and disappeared who knows where with the new girlfriend who will no doubt be pregnant already or very soon.

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 09/02/2019 13:53

Mediation is going to cost you £100+ for the initial meeting alone! And he says he won't resume contact without mediation? What's his malfunction?
I think you ought to go to the appointment you have set up but prepare for him to stop contact ultimately:(

Original poster
TheOrdinaryPoster · 09/02/2019 13:53

As far as the half sibling goes, he has made no moves to see that child at all and other than paying maintenance has not contacted them either. DD is seeing her sibling regularly through contact between myself and her ex stepmum.

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 09/02/2019 13:55

Ah
Yeah, under those circumstances I would cancel the mediation. Why pay £100 for him to continue not having contact with her? At least if he initiates mediation in the future and pays for the initial assessment you will have some sign of good faith and commitment from him

Original poster
TheOrdinaryPoster · 09/02/2019 13:55

@NotANotMan, I've already paid £80 for my assessment but I think that is refundable still if I cancel. But thats a good point, I could pay £80 and he may not even attend his appointment which means i've just wasted my money.

Plus I don't have an address for them to contact him at!

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 09/02/2019 13:55

Really advise you not to go and get a refund if you can.

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