Is the onus on ex to arrange mediation if he wants to see DC?

[TheOrdinaryPoster]

He has had regular contact for 4 years, much more than any court would give him, practically 50/50.

Around 3 months ago he started a new relationship and contact got less and less. He hasn't seen or spoken to DD for over a month now. I had arranged mediation for next weekend. Having just spoken to him he is saying he will be asking for one night every fortnight and thats it. I think he is paying lip service to seeing his child and clearly has no interest in her anymore.

I'm considering cancelling mediation and saying if you want to see her, you sort it out. I know he won't actually sort it out. Is there any point in dragging a reluctant father into mediation or is the onus on him to arrange it?

I figured there must be something else. He’s just a prick then.

Was he cheating with gf on your dd’s stepmum?

I’ve noticed a certain breed of men are exceptionally good at closing themselves off to people they’ve wronged!

Well done for keeping up the contact between the kids, OP. He's even more of a disgrace than I first thought!

I didn't know mediation cost money, son I guess it depends if you can afford to lose that.

If you cant, the fact you have contact with the other mum and dc shows you are still the ones who have the children's best interests at heart.

@IvanaPee, i've no idea tbh. I try not to involve myself in his private life as long as it doesn't impact on DD. She suspects he was.

Ah, so basically DD has lost her relationship with her half-sibling too. That is sad.

When I meant a bit you were missing, I meant something he was not telling you, not that you were missing out something. How much you say is up to you💐.

So he abandoned the house which means you really have no idea if he took DD’s things or just left them.

Yes, go to mediation so you have done the right thing and hope that he comes to his senses sometime soon. It may not happen. I think he does not want the emotional fall out of having DD asking about her half-sibling and everything else when he is with his new partner, and of course you knowing as and when baby no 3 comes along. What a mess.

You sound like you are doing your best in this situation and that is all you can do. I would be looking at age appropriate language of how to tell DD that his second family broke up and you are not sure how things are going to settle down, reassure you that you love her and you are not going anywhere and make sure you keep her routine as consistent as possible.

X-post with when you said DD was still seeing her half-sibling. That is good.

@KataraJean, the house is on rightmove, I had a look at the photos and he has removed all his personal stuff and his bed etc but DD's room is untouched. All her clothes and toys etc are still there in the photos.

Stepmum may have keys still so I could ask her to go and get some of the stuff DD is asking for but not sure on the legalities of removing DD's stuff which was bought by him?

If it's already arranged, then go. If he turns up, then you can agree the details i.e. which day etc. and you'll have a witness to the agreement. If he doesn't turn up then he'll get a black mark, and you can ask him to pay for any future mediation.

Can you get your DD's stuff from the house if he isn't living there? Maybe the mediator can help with this too.

I would ask step mum about it, for sure, whilst she still has keys. The house will need to be emptied pre sale.

The stuff is DD’s, it has been left in her room there, and the man is not in touch with her. It could stay there when the house is sold and be thrown out. If you want, let him know that step mum is going to let you in to get it and you will make sure DD has it for just now (presuming step mum agrees).

If he does re-surface and wants it back, then she can take it when she goes to visit after he has been to mediation and has his written plan.

not sure on the legalities of removing DD's stuff which was bought by him?

If he bought it for her, then it's a gift and belongs to her ; she can get it when she wants it. Especially if he's selling the house and she no longer visits there.

Yes get her stuff if you can. And stop the facetiming if he's not answering. He will call her if he wants to. Keep a log of everything in case it ever goes to court.

Another flaky man ruled by what's in his pants and leaving a trail of children behind him. Disgusting.

OP you should go to your mediation appointment. At least you will be able to say to your dc that you tried to sort it out. Remember this is about their right to see their dad.

If it goes to court (it sounds like he won't push it that far) they will insist on mediation first. If he refuses mediation after you've been that puts the onus on him to make the next move.

You need to find ways to support your child if he is going to be less present in her life.

My kids only see their dad twice a year (from EOW, entirely his choice) and it's been tough answering questions about when they're seeing him next. Resist the temptation to slag him off but you can make sure she knows it is up to him to arrange to see her.

Unfortunately even a judge cannot force an unwilling parent to have contact with their child. But if you can - with a clear conscience - say that you tried your best to enable it then your child will be able to see who bent over backwards for them

It is better for children to have no contact with a feckless and uninvolved parent than to face years of being rejected by said parent.

So he is showing is true colours, take heed.

I am so sorry for your dd, poor little girl.

You sound really lovely op, read up on the effects of continuous parental rejection on a child and how you can help her to go forward with this issue.

@Fairenuff, i've kept a log of everytime she has called with times and dates all followed by a - no answer. I even emailed him at 9am and said DD will try and facetime you at 6pm - please answer. He didn't of course, even with a whole days notice.

Ideally I think i would like my own stipulations put on the contact for the time being. I'm not sure if a judge would allow me to ask that DD isn't introduced to any new partners for x amount of time? I would be happy to agree to the same thing. The emotional impact on her of all of this is just awful, she will be so confused at daddy in a new house and a new partner who has children of her own.

I do not think you can put stipulations on not being introduced to new partners, no, but you can ask for short day time contact to allow her to get used to the situation and review matters after a few visits.

I would cancel meditation. that £80 could be spent on things that DD needs.

Quick update: I'm not sure if i've made things a million times worse with DD but not letting her try and call her dad. We got into bed and she said shall we try and call Daddy now, I said well we could but Daddy isn't really answering much atm so maybe we could wait until he's not so busy in a week or so. She said 'do you think daddy doesn't like me anymore'. How my heart didn't break I don't know.

I told her clearly that he loves her very much but he's just really busy and she wanted to try anyway. Watching her little face as the call rang out and he didn't answer was just horrendous.

I've messaged him and let absolute rip at him. Told him exactly what she said and how disgusted I am with him. His response was 'she can call'. I messaged back and said well yes she can but I have a list of everysingle time you have refused to pick the phone up in the last three weeks so why don't you pick the phone up as the ADULT and actually call her.

His response was 'we'll get this all sorted out in court, until then stop messaging me'. I text again and it didn't deliver so i'm guessing he has now blocked my number.

I'm so sorry, OP. He's beyond awful. Tell DD it seems his phone is broken and then just go with the mediation/court.

Personally, I think your DD would be better off without such a rotten human being in her life, but I don't condone withholding contact. Hopefully he gets his act together sharpish or things tail off very quickly.

That’s not nice for your daughter. Best thing to do is have a nice day with her tomorrow and let things settle for both of you.

Unfortunately it’s difficult for people who don’t know you and the situation to give good advice. You know him, how he has been as a father and the story behind this current episode of chaos. We don’t. You seem angry with his actions and behaviour. I don’t think you want to go to mediation and at the end of the day it’s your decision. You know the background.

Generally I think the best course of action in these situations is to be guided by your daughters needs rather than anger towards your exs behaviour and provocation. That’s not easy I know. I also think, even if you know you are just going through the motions, you should always show willing to sort things out. As others have said, if you end up in court you want to be able to show you are the reasonable one who made best endeavours to facilitate access. I would play the game of mediation even if he doesn’t show. It all works in your favour.

If you are confident he isn’t going to escalate to court then I wouldn’t bother. But be mindful he might be trying to get you to appear unreasonable and uncooperative. Don’t let him unsettle you or your resolve.

I feel so sad for your DD. These so called "parents" have no clue and don't care what they are doing to their children when they do this.

Since you've already paid, just go and if he doesn't cooperate in the future, just let it go and let him be the one to make contact and organise it.

She is 4 and his flakey behaviour is much more damaging than if he just fecked off for good.

See if you can get her things back from him since you have his number.

A gentle answer of his phone being broken is enough for a 4 year old. Please don't go on about it to friends on the phone where she can hear you.

My DD sperm donor did this some 30 years ago and after the 3rd time he stood her up, the was the last. I dropped trying to force him to see her. Now that she's near 40 with kids of her own, she thanked me for not putting her through that and that she was much better off not knowing or being around him. She reconnected with her Aunt(his sister) which was nice and she said she would get on him over the years to do the right thing. She doesn't even talk to her brother anymore.

Try and get your DDs stuff back for her. Small consolation but it's something. He gave it to her, so it is hers. If the stepmum doesn't have keys maybe the landlord will let you in. Tell him you're going to get it because she keeps asking for it.
Keep up with your side of the mediation for your daughter's sake. It's heartbreaking that he's behaving so badly. Really terrible.

I think any court would tell him to go to mediation, given that it has been organised and you are not withholding contact. Saying ‘see you in court’ is utterly meaningless in this situation and intended to make you scared and leave him alone.

I do not see how you have made things worse - your DD wishes to call her father and you facilitated it. You then queried with him what was going on. Note he responded to threaten you with court but not to pick up the phone to his DD. I think that tells you all you need to know.

My personal view would be not to cover his back by saying he is busy or his phone is broken, but tell the truth that you do not know what is going on with Daddy but you are trying to sort things out.

Go to the mediation, explain the situation and see if he turns up for his session. If he does not, then you simply need to explain this to court. It will look bad on him that he has not seen his DD when contact has been offered, he has not picked up the phone to her and he has not attended mediation. He is in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks this will go down well.

I suspect the prior arrangements were facilitated by his now ex and now he’s moved out his true colours are showing.

He needs to go to mediation first before he can go to court. Him blocking you, if you can prove it, is great for showing he won't engage with you or his daughter and won't look good for him if he does bother with court.

Keep the mediation appointment - if, on the off chance* he actually tries to go through solicitors, his failure to comply with this will not look good for him.

He's playing games with you, step mum and most horribly, your children.

I'm so glad you are all in contact and can offer each other support - what a great thing for your children to see. Me and XHs ex have friendly contact over my (?ex) DSD.

As PP have said, in later years you can show DD that you tried.

*I suspect there's as much chance of him doing this as there is of me winning the Grand National without a horse.