Can you ever properly forgive and forget?

[doingmybest1]

My DH and I have been married for 10 years. We have two DDs aged 9 and 10.

He's been abuisve over the years, has shouted at me repeatedly, had an fling with a friend (which he minimilised), kicked me, gone out and got drunk into the early hours of the morning with me not knowing where he was), put me down etc etc. I could bore you with endless stories. Having been through therapy and spoken to friends and professionals, I know this is abuse.

I've asked him to leave, several
Times, he's left in anger several times. We've talked and talked and he's promised he'll get better. I've been to counselling, he's been to counselling.

I've been severely depressed, stressed and am suffering from exhaustion. I got asked to leave from my job in September (probably because I couldn't cope and had to have a month off with stress). Ive set up a freelance business which is stop start.

Whilst my DH is trying, being nice, not going out as much (he's realised how sad it is for a 50 year old to behave like this) and is doing much more Around the house. I am
Finding it hard to move on.

I can't just sweep everything under the carpet and pretend it did f happen. It's eating away at me inside. I am a tired, emotional and angry person.

We had a row last night and he asked me if I'd ever move on, I told him he needed to take responsibility for his actions. I told him that HE has made me depressed. He said that I have been a nightmare over the last 3 years (unsurprisingly).

He mentioned marriage counselling a week ago and still hasn't done anything about it.

Whilst he's trying, I feel
There's still so much that needs talking about. Theres behaviours that cannot be forgotten overnight and I need to know for sure that I can trust him long term.

Am I being unfair? Am I asking too much?

If if weren't for my DD i certainly wouldn't be here.

Help xxxx

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. If you are really only staying because of your children this is a huge mistake and they know things are bad at home, its certainly not a sanctuary for them.

Would you want them as adults to have a relationship like yours is, what do you want to teach them about relationships here?. What are they learning from the two of you re relationships?. Neither of them will thank you for staying with their abusive dad if you choose to and could also well accuse you of putting him before them. They have seen and heard far too much already in their young lives.

Abusive men more often than not do the refusal to leave. You will need to employ legal means to get him out of your home. Have you ever considered divorcing this man?. What about contacting Womens Aid here and the Rights of Women organisations?. They could help you as well leave your abuser.

He is not trying at all, he is simply telling you what you still want to hear. You know this is abusive treatment from him; you've lost your job and this from him is also having a terrible effect on your mental and physical health too. He enjoys seeing your distress and gains power and control from it. Abuse is about power and control and he wants to have absolute over you and your daughters.

You cannot change him but you can and should change how you react going forward. What you have tried to date re counselling in particular has not worked. Abusive men hardly ever respond in the positive to counselling. An absolute no to any form of joint counselling or marriage counselling as well; it is never recommended where there is abuse within the relationship.

Totally agree with what @AttilaTheMeerkat says above.

I don’t think you can forgive or forget what you’ve been through.

My ExH did a lot of what you’ve described. When I started to stand up for myself he moved on to bully my youngest DD. I realised I’d set a terrible example to my DDs about what marriage looks like and finally found the courage to divorce him. From the day I said I wanted a divorce, I felt huge relief like nothing I’d ever experienced before. Since then my health has improved, my relationships with my DDs are strong, my career improved and generally life is so much better.

I’m not saying it was easy to end my marriage but it was worth all the effort.

Never forgive or forget this man and his abusive behaviour. He will not change. He will always abusive you until you leave him. Your DC are highly likely to choose abusive partners for themselves because their father has shown them that this is normal and acceptable. It is your responsibility to show them that it is not acceptable by leaving him. You have ONE LIFE.

I think some things can be forgiven, though probably not forgotten. However, I don’t think what your partner has put you through over the years...or really what you’ve put yourself through by staying with such an abusive man, can be forgiven.
It seems too much, that lines were crossed. I’m possibly wrong, I don’t really know, but I couldn’t move on from what you’ve been through and I’d be wondering what a fresh start with just me looked like and perhaps eventually with a new partner who loved me to bits.
I’m sorry for what he’s put you through

Iv been cheated on by my ex I stayed with him and left 3 years later it made me feel sick and eat me away every day turns out he cheated 3 times behind my back his excuse was he loved me unconditionally but men are visual and if it's on a plate they will take it ..... but I was afraid of leaving (been on my own ) since leaving him took me time to adjust and get used to been on my own then when I was enjoying my life got my own little thing going I met my now husband and what a difference being with just a nice genuine guy is Iv only ever been in relationships were I got cheated on or punched head butted ect ! .... the first month is hard but if u left I'm telling u now your life would be better do u love him ? Think about it or do u feel guilty for Leaving even though it's him that's got issues not you x

There’s just no point in this, he’s just a waste of space.
How could you forgive ? Impossible!
And why would you.
Don’t waste your life on this pathetic man, get yourself a better model.

Oh and you will never ever trust him long term.
So if you need to know that you absolutely can’t, because trust is inside YOU and he broke it! So think of trust as an internal organ which is like a big bag of liquid doubt. Now when that is perforated by the terrible actions of an abusive partner, the doubt seeps our and floods every bit of you, your thoughts , your feelings, your health.
And there is NOTHING he can do to make that right.

Thank you. He says that I am acting like a victim, I'm over emotional, unforgiving, that I should just move on. He says most relationships are like this and that I am just oversensitive.

I told him last night that it wasn't as simple as that.

It is literally eating up every single moment of my thoughts and I am starting to feel very angry. I wonder what the trigger will be.

He says that he's been trying and things have been getting better (which they have) but I'm finding it hard to feel happy. I feel betrayed, angry and I can't just bury those thoughts just like that

Marriage counseling.
Don’t do it.
He wants to justify his actions.

No man is worth this

Staying for your daughter is a mistake. You should leave for her sake, if not yours.

Do not do marriage counselling with an abuser.

He’s just a wanker op.
How is he to people outside of your relationship?

He's an abuser. You should never have counselling with an abuser.

Not even worth a second of your time longer. Get out there and enjoy the rest of your life!! It's too short to waste on people who walk all over you.

Just think how much your mental health would improve if you left.
Why stay with someone who causes you so much unhappiness and then blames you for it.

Fresh start. Clear head.

Why would you want to forgive and forget what he has done.
It's nasty abuse.
Leave and have a happy life without him.

Also there is no point to discuss anything with him.
Even if he admits he did a terrible thing, it will most likely come with a pathetic disclaimer.
You know who is he and you know what he’s done.
You don’t yet know, what he’s capable of.
Don’t wait to find out.

Oh and. You are the victim . So let yourself act like one.

Your DDs don’t need a mother living in the twilight zone, severely depressed and walking on egg shells - preoccupied and consumed with hurt, anger and resentment to an abusive man.

You need to be free of him mentally and physically to release yourself to be 100% emotionally engaged and attuned to your DDs needs.

To date they will have emotionally absorbed this DV and EA and it will have done them significant damage that you may or may not be able to see yet.

Move on swiftly now so that you can give your DDs a fighting chance.

You will need significant help yourself first to be able to do this. Focus on you and then getting your DDs out of this. They “know” what is going on as even if they didn’t see or hear incidents - they see the fall out in you and they feel it all deeply.

Your relationship with your DDs is at risk if you stay. They will never respect you for that, even if you claim it was for them.

Mentally in your head decide what needs to happen and then seek support for the steps to get you there.

Op there is no law that says you have to stay with anyone or justify leaving......You can just say, he makes me unhappy therefore l an going.

How much of your life do you want to spend feeling like you do?
Forget trying to understand and get over....why would you bother?

He is a horrible person end of.......l hope you get a much better future..

He told me last night it was six of one, half a dozen of the other. When is said to him, so you think it's 50/50, he said, that's not what I said! It's only minor but am example of the mid games he plays.

He's not all bad, he works hard four our family and is a good dad (most of the time). I am just so confused by it all

He has got better, fewer incidents and is way more helpful around the house. I'm guessing I'll never get to a point where he fully admits it and we can move on from this. I guess I am living in cloud cuckoo land!

He says I'm using sex as a weapon. I obviously just don't want to have sex with him. It feels pressurised x

He has caused your sense of confusion and gaslights you (he was gaslighting you in the example you cited in your previous post). Most people too work hard for their families and also choose not to abuse their partner; its a really low benchmark you are using for him here.

Why did you write he is a good dad (most of the time)?.
He is not however, a good dad because he abuses you, his children's mother. Women in poor relationships like you describe often write such when they cannot think of anything else positive to write about him themselves. You're forgetting too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

DARVO - is well know tactic of perpetrators when called to account - they Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This is what he is doing to you in all of your discussions - it is just another method of abuse.

It’s because of you dd that you SHOULD NOT forgive and forget.