Can you ever properly forgive and forget?

[doingmybest1]

My DH and I have been married for 10 years. We have two DDs aged 9 and 10.

He's been abuisve over the years, has shouted at me repeatedly, had an fling with a friend (which he minimilised), kicked me, gone out and got drunk into the early hours of the morning with me not knowing where he was), put me down etc etc. I could bore you with endless stories. Having been through therapy and spoken to friends and professionals, I know this is abuse.

I've asked him to leave, several
Times, he's left in anger several times. We've talked and talked and he's promised he'll get better. I've been to counselling, he's been to counselling.

I've been severely depressed, stressed and am suffering from exhaustion. I got asked to leave from my job in September (probably because I couldn't cope and had to have a month off with stress). Ive set up a freelance business which is stop start.

Whilst my DH is trying, being nice, not going out as much (he's realised how sad it is for a 50 year old to behave like this) and is doing much more Around the house. I am
Finding it hard to move on.

I can't just sweep everything under the carpet and pretend it did f happen. It's eating away at me inside. I am a tired, emotional and angry person.

We had a row last night and he asked me if I'd ever move on, I told him he needed to take responsibility for his actions. I told him that HE has made me depressed. He said that I have been a nightmare over the last 3 years (unsurprisingly).

He mentioned marriage counselling a week ago and still hasn't done anything about it.

Whilst he's trying, I feel
There's still so much that needs talking about. Theres behaviours that cannot be forgotten overnight and I need to know for sure that I can trust him long term.

Am I being unfair? Am I asking too much?

If if weren't for my DD i certainly wouldn't be here.

Help xxxx

Don’t go on holiday with him. Why would you facilitate inflicting this abuse on your DDs?

There comes a point when you need to be clear what YOUR personal responsibility is here. YOU are complicit in his abuse of his DDs. Only you can protect them from him.

And something else....I've just shouted at me again in the middle of breakfast. Just like that. When I tried to speak he cut over me. It's so humiliating and embarrassing. We are in a hotel. Just because he has to do work.

I wo t go into the details as they are mundane. I was just trying to do what was best for the girls but as usual he started on me 'when you need to do something, YOU wxpext this' etc etc. just nasty nasty. We are
On holiday for goodness sake.

I need to get out and quick

I know another 20 and I have reached that point. The holiday has been booked for ages and my girls were looking forward to it. I thought I could handle it but obviously I can't.

I thought that because I know what I need to do that I could rise above it but every word cuts me like a knife.

He just came over and tried to tower over me in his horrible and threatening manner. I just put my hands over my ears and asked him to stop shouting at me and causing a scene. He said I was all my fault because I had forgotten his trunks (he told me I had 5 mins to get ready). What a mug I am. A pathetic and weak mug.

doing my best you know hat needs to be done. Start detaching in your head, envision a calm peaceful happy nurturing home for you DD - so that they grow up confident and emotionally healthy. Give them the best role model and protect them from emotional harm. Don’t tell him anything, see a solicitor, get your ducks in a row - and sometime in the next few months you will be mentally and practically in the best place to time the separation.

Please read

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I’ve just left an abusive relationship it’s really helped me.

Thank you another20 and Bae bae. I have read that book and am
Just in the middle of the second book 'daily wisdom'. I find it so sad that I am nodding at every single page.

Being this unhappy is it going to change when I get a new job, lose some weight, feel
Stronger. It will happen when I make it happen and I know that only I can be the person to make it happen.

Everything seems to impossible right now but I am sure I'll find the courage xxx

I've told him tonight that he is no longer my priority and that it's over. He says he needs me. I told him I don't care and that the girls come first.

I've told him that he can not control me anymore and that my ONLY concern is that the girls have a safe and good upbringing without the nonsense that he brings to this relationship.

I feel Exhausted.

I also told him I needed space from
Him. He claims he needs me and loves me but I told him that this isn't love. If you truly love someone then you don't treat them like that!

He didn't like hearing that I was no longer prepared to bring the girls up I a toxic environment, that he was making all the same mistakes as his father before him.

And finally that my only priority is the girls and their well-being. I was simply not prepared for them to listen to any more of his mean and Co trolling behaviour.

When he tried to blame me
For parts I told him that it just prove a that he isn't taking responsibility for his actions . He doesn't believe he's done anything wrong. That's all that proves to me.

Feeling very relieved this morning

Hold on to that feeling of relief. It will help you cope when it gets tough. Do you have anyone in real life that can be there for you?

Machinebee yes I have lots of friends and family who know and have witnessed what's been happening. They have all been great.

He started this morning with 'it's just a bit of shouting and anger' and I was quick to tell
Him that I didn't care what his view was because I know how I want to bring the girls up.

I also to him that he is incapable of love. This is not love. You do not treat people who you love like this.

He knows that I am serious and I feel
Strong and relieved.

I am 42 years old and I will not let the rest of my life be like the last 10 years.

I cannot help him. I cannot change him I can only live my best life.

Luckily he's ill and I can enjoy the last few days of sunshine with my girls. It's always easier when he's not around.

And the best bit, I feel the fog lifting, I can almost feel a smile on my face and whilst I am upset, I don't feel
Like I'm going to burst to tears Constantly

I know things won't be easy and are likely to get ugly but for the moment I am just enjoying this feeling.

Xxxx

Enjoy this time with your DCs and make sure hang on to the DCs passports at the airport.

Wow doingmybest you have moved mountains. You have secured your DDs emotional future - because you know what your focus is.

You should be very proud and that relief will give you your strength back.

I am a bit worried that you are trapped with him on holiday. So maybe call a friend or relative to talk through what you have decided to make it real and to ensure you remain safe.

Also don’t waste your breath explaining anything to him - it will all always be your fault in his twisted abusive mind anyway. That’s his job to work through. Use that headspace for happier thoughts and plans for emotionally nourishing and restoring you and your DDs.

Thank you. I've told 3 close friends and my aunty. We are going to visit one of my close friends next week and I'll talk to her properly next week.

Luckily he's not feeling great and is in bed so we don't have to spend time with him.

He'll be back to work next week and I can have some space to think and breathe and sort this mess out x x

We are home. My DH is away for a few days and then we are going to see some friends. I've stuck to my guns and he knows how serious i am.

We only had one incident at the airport. My DCs has small
Suitcases, I had three coats, a big bag and a carrier bag as well as a bag full of food. My DH refused to help me carry anything and told the girls they had to carry their suitcases on board. I lost it, and called him an asshole. He then proceeded to shout how I was the one who is abusive. It's not my finest moment but surely he should help me carry bags?!! And to call me abusive like that....it just hurts so much

I feel awful for losing it but when you have been through so much I guess it's not surprising is it? Has anyone else experienced this?

I'm busy making the spare room properly my own and I will be seeking legal advice next week.

I ah e moments of positivity and moments of complete sadness. X

I slept for the whole fight home, I'm guessing my body just shut down.

These are the kind of things that he has been doing over the years. Just horrible
Moments of nastiness. Just like that.

Glad you’re back safely OP. To use an old MN saying - now you need to get your ducks in a row.

This means keep safe all your documents- passports, birth and marriage certificates (DCs too). Copies of bank statements, payslips, mortgage details, savings accounts, life insurance certificates etc.

Then go and see a solicitor.

And tell your family and friends. It will stop him being able to play mind games. Or at least others will see through him and help you.

You’ve already taken the hardest step - adjusting your mind set. Keep going - you can do this.