Can you ever properly forgive and forget?

[doingmybest1]

My DH and I have been married for 10 years. We have two DDs aged 9 and 10.

He's been abuisve over the years, has shouted at me repeatedly, had an fling with a friend (which he minimilised), kicked me, gone out and got drunk into the early hours of the morning with me not knowing where he was), put me down etc etc. I could bore you with endless stories. Having been through therapy and spoken to friends and professionals, I know this is abuse.

I've asked him to leave, several
Times, he's left in anger several times. We've talked and talked and he's promised he'll get better. I've been to counselling, he's been to counselling.

I've been severely depressed, stressed and am suffering from exhaustion. I got asked to leave from my job in September (probably because I couldn't cope and had to have a month off with stress). Ive set up a freelance business which is stop start.

Whilst my DH is trying, being nice, not going out as much (he's realised how sad it is for a 50 year old to behave like this) and is doing much more Around the house. I am
Finding it hard to move on.

I can't just sweep everything under the carpet and pretend it did f happen. It's eating away at me inside. I am a tired, emotional and angry person.

We had a row last night and he asked me if I'd ever move on, I told him he needed to take responsibility for his actions. I told him that HE has made me depressed. He said that I have been a nightmare over the last 3 years (unsurprisingly).

He mentioned marriage counselling a week ago and still hasn't done anything about it.

Whilst he's trying, I feel
There's still so much that needs talking about. Theres behaviours that cannot be forgotten overnight and I need to know for sure that I can trust him long term.

Am I being unfair? Am I asking too much?

If if weren't for my DD i certainly wouldn't be here.

Help xxxx

Why should you forgive and forget?

Because he says he's sorry. Because things have got better. Because he's making an effort. But still, I don't feel content. I am not sure I ever will.

He tells me that this is what relationships ships are like. I don't agree. As you all point out, I wouldn't ever have done those things in the first place.

He says that I am not innocent (I know I'm not perfect but I haven't treated him in the same disputable way)

I value feeling safe and content in my relationship more than anything.

Life is hard enough. Your husband should have your back in all areas. If you cannot relax and be yourself this is not worth it.

Thanks anyfucker. Life has always seemed to complicated and difficult with him. I always felt the need to please him in the early days. Now I don't he tells me that I am making him suffer and not forgiving.

I just need to talk. I just need some support. I have bored my fiends stupid and I'm sure they all feel
The same as you - why would I stay. But I question myself on a daily basis, he's nice to me and supportive but I know that this could just turn on it's head at any moment.

I feel like a shell of my former self. I feel so desperate but do not know how to break this loving nightmare. Then in the same
Breath, I feel like I am being precious and overreacting and that I should be grateful for my life.

Sorry to be so pathetic. Sorry to be so weak
Xxx

Sorry about the typos. I seem to
Do
A lot of that!

I sleep for 10
Hours a night. I cancel plans on friends all
The time. I often cook my kids chicken nuggets because I don't have the energy. I know what I need to do but somehow I don't have the energy to do it.

I am a degree educated woman with the best start in life. How in earth did I end up here?

Don't think about how you got here, think about what you are going to do about it.

Stop apologising to us

Forgive yourself and decide you are worth more than this half life

You don't have any energy because abuse has stolen your vital energy.
You are carrying a huge emotional trauma around , and the weight of it is exhausting

Also living in a perpetual state of anxiety and actually fear, is like being in a state of constant alertness. It's kind of like being a security guard on a never ending shift . Just exhausting. Then you're watching what you say, you're watching what you spend , you're trying to modify your behaviour all the time. My guess would be you don't realise at all how much you do this , but when you're away from him you'll really notice.

He won’t change permanently, but you will be much more relaxed without him in your home. A difficult place to be in OP, but you will find the strength and the energy if you need to

Thanks everyone. I've spent the last week crying my eyes out. It's a feeling that I've never felt before. It almost feels that there's no way back.

I don't think I can go back from here. No more forgiveness. No more excuses. No more trying.

I just need to find the courage

Xxx

Sometimes OP there just is too much water under the bridge and it’s not what they are doing now, it’s what they have done and that time machine to set ‘reset’ doesn’t exist. I do know exactly how you feel, my H isn’t abusive as such but has done a few very hurtful things and I’m not sure I will ever feel quite the same again about him

He too says you need to move on mentally which of course is nice and convenient for him so he doesn’t feel like a shit or as he told me ‘I feel very small’ but heads and hearts don’t always mend quite like that.

No relationship we enter into voluntarily ought to be this much bloody hard work. Why on earth would you consider counselling again? You've been there, done that. Just get rid of him. The trust is gone now, it won't return. Show your children a strong role model.

My DH did something stupid which had a huge impact on me and our marriage, nothing like what you have been through, it has taken me over a year, counselling and many many long nights of talking about it with my DH to consider that I am at last coming to terms with it. I have not forgotten (never will), and although I am coming to terms with it, I have not yet fully forgiven him. I love my husband with all my heart, and I am over a year in.
What you have been through is far more devastating, so you/he cannot hope for it to 'disappear' it never will.

Crying is good - you are inching along the diving board and one day soon you will have the courage to jump - just need to do some preparation.

Your friends will not be bored with you - they may have been exasperated that you haven’t taken steps to leave in the past as they want what is best for you and your girls. But everyone knows it is a multi step process - reach out again - don’t describe again his behaviours - they know - just tell them that you are leaving and they will pull you through.

Take a little practical step each day - you have done all of the emotional stuff already. Tell a friend, tell a family member, talk to a solicitor, book counselling for YOU, look into the freedom programme.....it will then have a momentum of its own.

Re read the thread when you need courage.

Thank you ladies. You are right, he wants me to move in from it so he doesn't feel
Guilty. What kind of human being doesn't show remorse for how much he has hurt me and the girls? He always makes it about him and how feels....

He has been ill for the last 4 days and has nothing but lie in bed (what a lovely luxury that is!) whenever I am ill I still have to carry on.

Yesterday, He'd asked me to get him some lemsip, I'd forgotten but took some Up eventually. He said to me 'I used to think you didn't want to do things for me or you were not bringing it on purpose, none I know you just forgot'. What kind of twisted person thinks like that!? I guess it says more about him than me !

One of my reasons for not leaving has been because I care about him. I can't help myself. I don't want any harm or sadness to Come to him but guess he doesn't give me that in return.

We are going on holiday tomorrow. He is still ill. I am not looking forward to it all all as he's horrible enough usually. We get the stress, the blaming, the 'let me do that because you won't do it right', the shouting at the kids. The whole experience is always horrendous.

I was hoping he'd be too ill too come and I could go with the girls, alone.

That's so sad isn't it?

Jess xx

Nope - you should leave & im the one posting that mnetters tell people to leave too readily!! You should definitely find a way to leave. Xxx

Please listen to all of these posters, they are right.

He's a nasty abusive dick and you will have so much more energy for you and your family when you bin him. Been where you are, got out. Yes it's hard, but it is so much better on this side of it!

Never do councelling with an abuser, it just gives them ammo/tools to hurt you more.

Wishing you nothing but the best

Don’t go on holiday with him. Why would you facilitate inflicting this abuse on your DDs?

Thanks ohmywhattodo. I've asked him to leave several times. I've told him
Countless times that this relationship isn't healthy and that I don't want our children to be brought up in this environment. I've begged him to get help for his anger. He always blames me of course, saying that I am the one who makes him so angry. Ive told him that this is his problem and not mine and that he should sort out his anger problems.

Whilst he is being nice at the moment, I just don't know when his next blow up will
Come

Xxx

You need to split now, your children are witnessing this, it's going to damage them forever, tell him that, see if that makes a difference, otherwise get leaning on family and friends to support you into leaving him, Women's Aid, as many people and places that can help you actually make the break; you know this is not right, it's a very sad and lonely existence, living with an abuser and trying to pacify him, you are not allowing yourself to breath and be yourself or your children, think about that, can you live with the fact they will suffer due to his disgusting actions?

Let that be the incentive to finally stop this.

Adora10 you are so right. I spend my whole life worrying about how he's going to react to things, if he's going to come home.

I wrote everything down in black and white today. Everything that he's done and it's not pretty.

I think you are all right, he'll never change and I need to get out ASAP.

We live in a small village and I'm sure that he will blame me. Tell people that I'm crazy, demanding, selfish, gold digger whatever. Truth is al I've ever wanted is to be happy. Truly happy. I don't care about material things.

Luckily I have a great relationship with my girls and they are at an age where they will hopefully understand why we need to live separately.

I wanted him a couple of years ago that I would get to this point if he didn't very help and here we are. At least I can say that I have it my all!

What do I need to do? He has refused to leave the martial home. Financially we are ok but I am not working at the moment as I can't cope.

How do I get him to give me space? I've tried everything....

I don't need to go to a refuge, we could afford for him to move out for a little while but he won't. But equally I don't want to
Leave my home, we have two girls, a dog and two cats (which clearly he could t look after)

I don't know what to do!

Sitting here in the toilet. Crying. We are on holiday. I went to the gym this morning and the girls have had an argument. I'm just listening to both sides as I wasn't there and offering calmness and suggestions like 'but you hurt her feelings, whether intentional
Or not' 'try and be kind' etc etc.

My husband just screws his face up and shakes his head and says through gritted teeth that 'there's a conversation between you and i'. He's blaming one of them when he wasn't there. My youngest daughter told me that she just wanted to be heard, so I listened.

He told me 'I've just brought one of them down a peg, I'll bring the other one down a peg later' I hate how he thinks about them. I hate this mentality.

It's truely awful

I was in such a good mood this morning :(

Just ranting, knowing you ladies understand xxxx