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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone who can help me through this heartbreak?

62 replies

FlyingTingTing · 08/02/2019 16:58

I really really need some support. I can't stop crying and it's making me physically ill with anxiety.

Been married to husband for 12 years. He has always suffered with depression, indecisiveness, low self esteem. (He had an abusive upbringing by a narcissistic, alcoholic father and his parents divorced).

During our marriage, I've tried to support him and I haven't always been perfect and I've made my own mistakes, but I've tried my best (I suffer from depression and anxiety myself).

He has cheated twice. The first occasion was an emotional affair with a colleague which developed into sexting, kissing and cuddling (He is adamant that they never slept together).
The second time was a full blown sexual affair with a colleague which lasted for 6 weeks before I found out.

Both times it was when he was depressed and unhappy.
After the last time , (2 years ago) he swore he would get help and he was devastated at hurting me so much. He said he didn't think I'd ever forgive him and was somewhat taken aback when I said I wanted to forgive him. (I surprised myself by wanting to give him a second chance, I guess I realised I loved him a lot and wanted to carry on our marriage).

He said he'd get help, learn how to deal with his emotions better. I told him I would not forgive him again. And that he can't continue to go through life hurting people like this.

So fast forward to now.

Yes, he's depressed again. He doesn't know what he wants. He keeps saying he "feels controlled." Wants more space. Wants to travel, alone, by himself. I am hurt by this. I forgave him for something that broke my heart, less than 2 years ago. I've tried to give him space and a bit more privacy lately, even though it's been so hard. I'm still hurting and trying to heal.

Tonight he told me he'd cried for half an hour this morning. Doesnt know what to do, apparently he still loves me a lot, but wonders if it's better to just start again on his own, "a fresh start."
I thought this was our fresh start when we got back together and I forgave him, two years ago.

He had sworn that he'll never leave me again, but 2 years in and this is already happening? I can't go through this again. My heart will break, just as it's starting to repair itself. Again.

I can't imagine life without him but I'm so anxious and unhappy.

I want to support him in his depression but how can I when every time he tells me what's on his mind , I burst into tears?

I'm literally crying my eyes out right now. Please please can someone support me.

OP posts:
LaughingCow99 · 08/02/2019 17:20

What are his good points? You sound quite co dependant, like you need him. I think you need therapy to work out why you want to waste your life on someone so broken that refuses to change and cheats on you

lifegoes · 08/02/2019 17:20

Awwww OP this sounds awful and can't imagine what you are going through.

I know you love him and can't bare to be without him. But what type of life are you going to have. Is being with him worth all the pain, heartache and him twisting it into he doesn't know what he wants.

Once could be a mistake, but this has gone on and on.

I know it won't feel like it now, but there is life after this.

Take some time out, away from him. NC for a bit and think about what you want

PlinkPlink · 08/02/2019 17:28

I think everyone comes to a point where they can't take someone else's crap anymore.

I think that some people don't get their shit together until they have to do it on their own and not have someone hold their hand through it.

You are the person that can't take his crap anymore.
He is the one that needs to sort his shit out on his own.

I think for your own sanity and self-respect you need to have a separation period whilst he sorts his head in therapy, works out strategies to deal with his depression and anxiety. He is shitting all over you because his head isn't screwed on right.

It's scary and hurtful. But it's necessary to move on from this cycle you seem to both be going through.

Lozzerbmc · 08/02/2019 17:58

How awful for you. I think a break away would be a good idea to get some perspective. Its hard for you because you have forgiven him expecting all to be ok in future but sadly it doesnt always work that way. You’ll be feeling fearful of an unknown future and i know the feeling, its really scary. BUT you can have a happy future its just going to be different to what you thought. You need some real life support. Have you family and friends nearby? Counselling will help but assuming you do break up just take each day and deal with it and slowly you will be able to plan a future without him even though that seems impossible and not what you want. You cant be happy right now living with the pressure of coping with his issues and wondering if he will stray again. Do you have children?

Original poster
FlyingTingTing · 08/02/2019 20:03

No kids.

OP posts:
BifsWif · 08/02/2019 20:05

I imagine if you do have a break, you will realise how abusive he is and not want him back.

I suffer from mental health issues, quite severely. I don’t treat my husband like shit and/or sleep with other people.

You will be happier without him in time, you deserve so much more Flowers

Singlenotsingle · 08/02/2019 20:16

Feels "controlled"? Wants more space, wants to travel alone, without you? A fresh start? My reaction would be, "off you go then! " Pack his case and tell him to sod off. You can take care of stuff at home, no dc so that's one problem you don't have to worry about.

I think he's put you through enough already, OP. You can't carry on like this; you'll be a nervous wreck. It's no good to either of you.

Ullupullu · 08/02/2019 20:20

Please let him leave for good and don't take him back. That's easy for me to say but in future you will realise it was the right decision.

Honeyroar · 08/02/2019 20:23

He’s not enough. He wants to leave but hasn’t the balls to tell you. Stop letting him put you through this time and time again. One chance was enough. He’s blown two. Time to walk away. You deserve someone who will do anything for you and put you first.

cafesociety · 08/02/2019 22:24

Call his bluff and let him go to his new life where the grass is greener. He's played mind games with your head and has ridden roughshod over the marriage and your efforts at building it up after he cheated on you. He doesn't love you, even though he may feel guilty. He wants to run. Time to wave goodbye to someone who treats you with no respect.

I've known people like this. They feel 'controlled' because they want their freedom, freedom to sleep around with a clear conscience. Let them go because while they are with you they will just foul up your life and waste years of it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/02/2019 22:30

OP he sounds AWFUL.

Yes he had a shit childhood, but that doesn’t excuse him. You have your own anxiety and depression - but somehow you’ve managed not to fuck around...

You deserve better. Your life will be better without this shit. It will hurt like hell, and then - it won’t any more. And you’ll have the freedom to build a positive life and connect with someone who won’t betray you.

MrsCatE · 08/02/2019 22:32

He cried for a bit. You're crying all the time and devastated. He's got a solution; blaming you for everything and going on this amazing (unachievable and mythical) adventure. Get rid of this millstone.

lifegoes · 08/02/2019 23:25

So he called today. I refused to answer and let it go to VM. I wanted to hear his excuse or abuse, but I was strong and said no.

I've felt strong all day.

But now I'm sat thinking what if...

It doesn't help my friends are pushing me get on online dating. I'm not ready for all the above reasons. But what did he want?

lifegoes · 08/02/2019 23:28

Posted on the wrong thread. Sorry

SandyY2K · 09/02/2019 00:08

Perhaps he's found someone else but doesn't want to get caught cheating.

His last affair could have been an exit affair....and you forgiving him was a shock and not what he really wanted.

ImNotKitten · 09/02/2019 00:19

If you have a break from him I very much doubt in time you would want him back. He has treated you awfully and if you have some time to think about that away from the intensity of being in the situation, you’ll not want someone like that in your life.

MsDogLady · 09/02/2019 02:46

@Flying, he feels controlled? That’s rich, when HE has been controlling YOU and treating you with contempt for years.

He has poor coping skills, weak boundaries, and a sense of entitlement to cheat on and manipulate you. Cheaters will often seem out-of-sorts and critical as a means to create emotional distance to justify their infidelity. It sounds like he may be lining up someone new.

As he promised the last time, did he ever seek professional help to learn about the elements in his character that led him to cheat? Did he make the effort to strengthen his boundaries and learn coping strategies to use to protect his fidelity? If not, why? If it was a condition of your forgiveness, did you not insist that he follow through?

Also, did you impose any sharp consequences, such as insisting that he leave for a while to learn how the loss of you would feel?

Get angry. He is making a fool of you. I would gather my self-respect and tell him to leave now, and say that you need time away from him to consider what YOU want. Enough is enough. Make a stand.

You would benefit from the support of individual counseling as a safe place to express your feelings and organize your thoughts.

Decormad38 · 09/02/2019 03:01

He may have already got someone waiting in the wings and all this stuff about wanting to travel is him bailing. Men rarely leave the comfort of relationships unless they have another lined up.

rvby · 09/02/2019 03:39

Love, I'm really sorry but you need to let this guy go.

He doesn't want the relationship, but he wants you to end it.
Hes been daring you to end it for years now. You keep surprising him by accepting what he does. So he keeps upping the ante.

Please put this to bed, for you own sake. Is there somewhere you can go? Can a friend come round?

Robin2323 · 09/02/2019 03:56

Get some CBT for you. It change my life around.
Could not get on with therapy.

All depression gone.
Can manage anxiety well now.

When he sees you having a life lived well he realised what a dick he's being.

Did he get help?
There is plenty out there ..,,,,

Original poster
FlyingTingTing · 09/02/2019 12:37

Thank you for the responses. He cried for half an hour again last night. Told me he can't live like this anymore and threatened to kill himself. I cuddled him on the sofa and made him dinner.
He told me later on about midnight that he was going to kill himself and that "walking into the sea would be best because it's cold and quick."
I lost it a bit at that point and snapped at him to shut up and stop being so bloody selfish. He mumbled "ok forget it I won't ever talk to you about it again" and turned away from me.
I kissed him goodnight and told him I loved him.

This morning I got up early and made him toast and tea. Gave him a kiss.
He called me back into the bedroom and said he "needed to tell me something. "
I braced myself and he said that he'd realised that the last "two times he'd cheated it was because he was unhappy being married, and he is never really happy being married."

I was like Confused

What the hell am I supposed to do with this information? I already knew that, didn't I?

He then informed me that he'd decided to apply for another job because his current job (care work) is too hard.
He's now left to go into work and I'm sat here feeling sadness/anger/confusion and not knowing what to do.

OP posts:
ImNotKitten · 09/02/2019 12:42

Why are you love bombing him when he’s treating you like shit on his shoe? Cuddling him, making his meals, really?

BarrytheFatcat · 09/02/2019 12:47

He sounds like hard work. You're probably best off without him.

Asurvivor · 09/02/2019 13:10

Stop thinking you will solve this by loving him more. Love him less (he does not deserve it imo) and love yourself more.

notapizzaeater · 09/02/2019 13:15

He's checked out of this marriage, you need to look after yourself not this man baby

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