Anyone who can help me through this heartbreak?

[FlyingTingTing]

I really really need some support. I can't stop crying and it's making me physically ill with anxiety.

Been married to husband for 12 years. He has always suffered with depression, indecisiveness, low self esteem. (He had an abusive upbringing by a narcissistic, alcoholic father and his parents divorced).

During our marriage, I've tried to support him and I haven't always been perfect and I've made my own mistakes, but I've tried my best (I suffer from depression and anxiety myself).

He has cheated twice. The first occasion was an emotional affair with a colleague which developed into sexting, kissing and cuddling (He is adamant that they never slept together).
The second time was a full blown sexual affair with a colleague which lasted for 6 weeks before I found out.

Both times it was when he was depressed and unhappy.
After the last time , (2 years ago) he swore he would get help and he was devastated at hurting me so much. He said he didn't think I'd ever forgive him and was somewhat taken aback when I said I wanted to forgive him. (I surprised myself by wanting to give him a second chance, I guess I realised I loved him a lot and wanted to carry on our marriage).

He said he'd get help, learn how to deal with his emotions better. I told him I would not forgive him again. And that he can't continue to go through life hurting people like this.

So fast forward to now.

Yes, he's depressed again. He doesn't know what he wants. He keeps saying he "feels controlled." Wants more space. Wants to travel, alone, by himself. I am hurt by this. I forgave him for something that broke my heart, less than 2 years ago. I've tried to give him space and a bit more privacy lately, even though it's been so hard. I'm still hurting and trying to heal.

Tonight he told me he'd cried for half an hour this morning. Doesnt know what to do, apparently he still loves me a lot, but wonders if it's better to just start again on his own, "a fresh start."
I thought this was our fresh start when we got back together and I forgave him, two years ago.

He had sworn that he'll never leave me again, but 2 years in and this is already happening? I can't go through this again. My heart will break, just as it's starting to repair itself. Again.

I can't imagine life without him but I'm so anxious and unhappy.

I want to support him in his depression but how can I when every time he tells me what's on his mind , I burst into tears?

I'm literally crying my eyes out right now. Please please can someone support me.

How old are you both?

We're both 33.

Yes I have a good job and a good support network, family and friends.

Why are you letting him call the shots? If he’s not sure he wants to be with you (and it doesn’t sound like he does) don’t hang around waiting for him to make a decision. Make it for him and get rid. I say that as someone with depression - it’s not carte Blanche to treat people like shit

Erm...when he married you the pair of you were supposed to become a partnership, but he doesn't acknowledge that...He sees you as a ball and chain around his foot that prevents him living a single life.

Ask yourself this...Do you want to spend the rest of your life being cheated on, because hat's an inevitability if this relationship continues

Let him crack on and you find someone who cherished and respects you. He will never be a secure, reliable or faithful partner.

Op has anyone on this thread said to you "Try and work this out" or " get couples counselling"?.
No because basically OP, he has absolutely zero respect for you. This has nothing to do with depression or mental illness, this is just how he is towards you and I'm sorry to say he isn't ever going to change, this is how he is.
Think about yourself for once. Are you a nice person?, Are you loving, honest, faithfull, have a good moral compass?
If you can say yes to any of these things a) you are not compatible and b) you deserve someone who will appreciate thses qualities.
Don't sell yourself short and get rid of this millstone round your neck.

I can't just act like I'm fine with something that would make me uncomfortable and anxious, not knowing where he is, thousands of miles away. I mean, am I being unreasonable??

Why are you drawing this out?
He is begging you to dump him. He doesn't want to be with you.

You're literally just torturing yourself by drawing this out...

@FlyingTingTing you talk like your confused by his behavior and what he says. But hes being so incredibly clear though? He doesn't want to be with you, he just wants you to be the one to walk away, presumably so he can enjoy playing the victim. Which he will probably use to entice the next woman to take care of him/ submit to his fuckwit behavior.

Hes making it so so clear? What is it that prevents you from seeing what is so embarrassingly obvious?

Reread the thread again.
He says he still loves you so I don't think he's asking you to dump him.
But seems like you both suffer depression.
That can't be nice for either of you to live with each other.
Neither one of you can up lift each other.
Can't be much fun on a day to day bases.

So you both need to tackle that separately.

Apparently he won't go but "I'm stopping him living his life" and I'm "controlling."

Also this >
Are you controlling?
In a healthy relationship you support each other in their hobbies and interests.
Some couple have the odd time apart helps them recharge and come back to the relationship refreshed.

Have you really forgiven him for the past.
Or do you still get angry about it even if you don't bring it up.

You have to give people freedom in a relationship to some degree or they will feel smothered.

He asked again today if I'd be ok with him going abroad by himself for a few days. I can't pretend I'd be ok with him doing that.
I can't just act like I'm fine with something that would make me uncomfortable and anxious, not knowing where he is, thousands of miles away. I mean, am I being unreasonable??

Yes

You are being unkind to yourself

And you are controlling him in a way which makes me very uncomfortable

The relationship is over

Let him go and start living your life

You deserve happiness and joy

Please start today with the mindset that you are going to find that for yourself

I am going to make a different suggestion. Has his doctor looked at the possibility that he may have bipolar. Going into an elated stated causes people to want to do exciting things like travel the world and the see the person who is trying to keep him grounded as controlling and hindering their great adventures. Also they can be sexually inappropriate during that elated state. The main time of the year for elation is Spring as most of us get a lift in our mood with the increased light but their mood can swing upwards too far.
I am not encouraging you to stay with someone who is treating you horribly. And even if he has bipolar you don't have to stay with him. But a few things you said rang a bell for me around bipolar. My dp has bipolar and l am very familuar with the symptoms.
He has never been sexually inappropriate but in an elated state he gets great ideas about freedom, and taking the world by storm. When l don't match his enthuasism he things l'm the one hindering his great dreams. He never remembers afterwards..its like being drunk. And of course when he comes back to earth those ideas are nowhere to be found. Medication is the only answer l believe.
I may be completey wrong here but if between episodes he is a good dp then it may be worth mentioning to his doctor.

Are you sure he’s not going away with ‘someone’. I just cannot understand how someone with ‘depression’ manages to shag around during those periods....