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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone who can help me through this heartbreak?

62 replies

FlyingTingTing · 08/02/2019 16:58

I really really need some support. I can't stop crying and it's making me physically ill with anxiety.

Been married to husband for 12 years. He has always suffered with depression, indecisiveness, low self esteem. (He had an abusive upbringing by a narcissistic, alcoholic father and his parents divorced).

During our marriage, I've tried to support him and I haven't always been perfect and I've made my own mistakes, but I've tried my best (I suffer from depression and anxiety myself).

He has cheated twice. The first occasion was an emotional affair with a colleague which developed into sexting, kissing and cuddling (He is adamant that they never slept together).
The second time was a full blown sexual affair with a colleague which lasted for 6 weeks before I found out.

Both times it was when he was depressed and unhappy.
After the last time , (2 years ago) he swore he would get help and he was devastated at hurting me so much. He said he didn't think I'd ever forgive him and was somewhat taken aback when I said I wanted to forgive him. (I surprised myself by wanting to give him a second chance, I guess I realised I loved him a lot and wanted to carry on our marriage).

He said he'd get help, learn how to deal with his emotions better. I told him I would not forgive him again. And that he can't continue to go through life hurting people like this.

So fast forward to now.

Yes, he's depressed again. He doesn't know what he wants. He keeps saying he "feels controlled." Wants more space. Wants to travel, alone, by himself. I am hurt by this. I forgave him for something that broke my heart, less than 2 years ago. I've tried to give him space and a bit more privacy lately, even though it's been so hard. I'm still hurting and trying to heal.

Tonight he told me he'd cried for half an hour this morning. Doesnt know what to do, apparently he still loves me a lot, but wonders if it's better to just start again on his own, "a fresh start."
I thought this was our fresh start when we got back together and I forgave him, two years ago.

He had sworn that he'll never leave me again, but 2 years in and this is already happening? I can't go through this again. My heart will break, just as it's starting to repair itself. Again.

I can't imagine life without him but I'm so anxious and unhappy.

I want to support him in his depression but how can I when every time he tells me what's on his mind , I burst into tears?

I'm literally crying my eyes out right now. Please please can someone support me.

OP posts:
LeftAdrift · 09/02/2019 13:16

I'm so sorry OP, I'm in a similar situation myself right now. Been going through a break up with my husband of 13 years who told me before Xmas he doesn't love me anymore and thinks he's in love with another woman.

Thursday night I found out that on two occasions he's had sex with some other woman (different to the one he's in love with) in our house, on our living room floor. I found out because the woman messaged me to tell me.

In the midst of the revelations, he told me that for the past year he's felt very low on occasions and suicidal, even going as far as taking pills on a few occasions. He told me that the sex with this woman was nothing, that he couldn't perform because 'it wasn't me'.

We have two kids. Im now in the difficult position of hating the bastard and still caring and being in love with him. He still tells me he doesn't feel in love with me, he just feels anger and guilt when he sees me, mainly with himself, which hurts. I want him better for the kids but I equally want to chop his balls off.

Apparently this other woman isn't interested. But theres been so many lies that I don't know what to believe from him.

You have no kids OP, you can be rid of him for good, make the break, if I could I would, no matter how much it hurt. It looks like this is a repeating pattern of behaviour from him and you deserve better. I do too, but I can't prioritise myself yet, my kids need me and their dad xxx

lifegoes · 09/02/2019 13:16

So NOW he tells you he had two affairs. NOW he thinks it's ok to tell you as you've shown you forgive him.

He THINKS it's ok as you will forgive him

How can you touch him after what he's done. I couldn't even look at him

Original poster
FlyingTingTing · 09/02/2019 13:33

Why am I so scared of being alone? Is it because of my own depression?

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 09/02/2019 13:34

Turn your emotion intomanger and kick the bastard out. How dare he mess with your head like that.

Original poster
FlyingTingTing · 09/02/2019 13:35

The last time 2 years ago I packed my bags and went to my mum's, thinking he could rot for all I cared.
But after a day or two I MISSED him so much it was agony. I was literally going crazy wondering what he was doing or thinking. Just needed him here.

Am I actually pathetic? Will I feel like this again?

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 09/02/2019 14:06

Read Shirley P Glass' book
'Not just friends '
It talks about situations like yours, and way forward to a better relationships if that what you want.

Original poster
FlyingTingTing · 09/02/2019 14:30

Now apparently he's going "away for a few days" abroad to think things through.
I've asked him to stay and work things out but he's adamant. He's leaving Monday morning.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 09/02/2019 14:37

You need to split up for good. It will hurt like hell but you're hurting like hell anyway.
If you split, one day it will stop hurting.
If you stay together, it will not stop hurting.

If you split, you may find in a few years that special someone who treats you with the love and respect you deserve.

TheGoddessFrigg · 09/02/2019 14:44

It's funny how depression never seem to cause erectile dysfunction in these men. When I'm depressed I can barely get off the sofa,let alone chat someone up......Hmm

MarchSurprise · 09/02/2019 14:44

Let him go on Monday, but don't let him back when he arrives home. He is showing no consideration or kindness towards you, you deserve so much better. The first few days/weeks of a break up are agony, but it does get easier and easier as time passes.

Be kind to yourself and let him go, free yourself up for somebody who actually deserves you and can treat you the way you should be treated.

ImNotKitten · 09/02/2019 14:50

You need to split up for good. It will hurt like hell but you're hurting like hell anyway.
If you split, one day it will stop hurting.
If you stay together, it will not stop hurting.

This. It isn’t going to get better OP. There isn’t going to be a happy ending between you and him. Make the break and find some happiness for yourself without him dragging you down.

KrisClaire · 09/02/2019 14:54

From what it seems like he needs help and a lot of it. Think you may be much better off without him. Initially it will be hard but from what it sounds like his issues bring you down which is not healthy for you.
Think its time that you focus on yourself and your own needs and find someone who will treat you right.

Mishappening · 09/02/2019 14:57

Your response to him is quite illogical - he is making your life a misery and you are hugging and kissing him, delivering food etc.

You are an important person here - and this is at the heart of so many of these distorted relationships. You matter, you are worthy of respect, you are a human being with rights. Convince yourself of this and you will stop grovelling before him.

Head off and create the life you deserve. There is no happy ending to this if you stay.

Gina2012 · 09/02/2019 15:08

What is there to love about him?

Because from what you say he sounds like a huge needy drain

MsDogLady · 09/02/2019 15:13

He is pushing you away and you are clinging for dear life.

He wants you when he wants you, and then discards you. He’s done it 3 times now and you’ve allowed it.

Stop dancing to his tune. You do not have to be his yo-yo. Let him leave and find support for yourself.

Have you ever sought medical help for your depression, @Flying?

Counseling would be a godsend to increase your self-esteem, strengthen your boundaries, and learn why you are willing to settle for so little.

Robin2323 · 09/02/2019 16:22

This happened to a very dear, dear friend.

Abroad you say ?
In February?
Just like that?

Is anyone else thinking internet relationship?

Depressed people will hang onto any life raft.

It's all fantasy.

The grass is not any greener.

He will find this out.

Please, please get some type of self esteem coinciding.
Even Julia Kristina on you tube.

It wasn't until my friend said 'enough' her dp realised what he stood to lose

She didn't get mad or even.
She just STOPPED.

So on his last little trip abroad she just left him to it.

No texts or phone calls.
It's called a reality check.

He's not been back.

Robin2323 · 09/02/2019 16:23

'Counselling'

cafesociety · 09/02/2019 16:47

He's not too depressed to arrange a holiday abroad at short notice? Amazing, I wonder if it wasn't already arranged but he hasn't had the guts to leave you. He is manipulating you and treating you like an idiot. Life has to go his way or no way, just dragging you down along the way...and this will not change I can guarantee that.

Just go to your mum's like before and remember what a cruel, cheating guy he is and do not contact. No point remembering any good bits. They have gone, he has trashed the relationship by his self pitying selfishness...he keeps sleeping with other people!

It will hurt, you will miss him, you will be sad...and then as the days and weeks go on you will pick up and be able to have a life in which you are not being used as you are being used and abused now.

redastherose · 09/02/2019 17:10

You would do well to arrange some counselling for yourself to work out what you're getting from this relationship, help you see that it is unhealthy and break the emotional connection you feel to him. You can't keep letting him manipulate you in this way. The false claims of suicidal intentions and depression are deeply manipulative. They are designed to have you thinking about how to help him and about his feelings rather than your own. Please don't let him carry on abusing you in this way. Emotionally abusive people often claim they are depressed and even appear depressed to you because it gets them the attention that they want and gets you acting in a way which enables them to act however they want and you forgive them because they are 'depressed' and it's not them it's the 'depression'.

Orange6904 · 09/02/2019 17:17

I think this is an insult, so people with depression turn into lying cheats?

Let him go, it will hurt like hell at first but you will be better off without someone treating you like this and grinding down your self esteem. He's not depressed he's being selfish.

Original poster
FlyingTingTing · 09/02/2019 21:44

Thanks for all the messages. I don't think he's cheating again this time, he may be entertaining it ,I don't know, but I don't think he's actually doing anything. I've asked him straight and he looked horrified and denied it and said he couldn't bear to do that to me again.

So anyway. Now he's being moody because I said I wasn't happy with him going away on his own.

He asked again today if I'd be ok with him going abroad by himself for a few days. I can't pretend I'd be ok with him doing that.
I can't just act like I'm fine with something that would make me uncomfortable and anxious, not knowing where he is, thousands of miles away. I mean, am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Original poster
FlyingTingTing · 09/02/2019 21:46

Apparently he won't go but "I'm stopping him living his life" and I'm "controlling."

OP posts:
thenightsky · 09/02/2019 21:57

He's depressed? Bloody hell, I don't know what kind of depression he has, but when I had clinical depression I couldn't lift my head out of my lap most days, never mind plan a trip away.

WH1SPERS · 09/02/2019 22:02

Do you have a job, friends, family , hobbies? Because you sound obsessed by this man who is treating you like shit.

Please see a counsellor BY YOURSELF. You need some professional help.

Pessismistic · 09/02/2019 22:07

Sorry your going through this op. I suffer with depression and it’s hard on both people in the relationship. what help does he get for it? Is he taking anything or ever been to counselling? And yourself do you take any medication or get counselling? I personally would let him go if he’s so unhappy in the marriage especially talking of suicide that would be worse to live with than him walking away and by giving him the control back he might come back if you want him. I would be worried he’s going away to have sex again. He says he won’t but he’s lied before. He could keep putting you through this when do you say enough is enough or he might do what he threatens to do just to get away from you. You have a better chance of moving on and meeting someone new who can make you happy and you can make them happy it’s better than grieving in my eyes and feeling guilt forever. Good luck Flowers

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