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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I had an affair.. now what

54 replies

Smith5647 · 08/02/2019 13:35

had an 2 year on off affair with someone ive known for 17 years. Were both married and both have kids. His are 4 and 7 mine is 8. I dont know what to do now its over. I dont know if i should stay with my DH or leave. Me and DH have discussed going separate ways anyway ( he doesnt know about the affair). Our sex lifes pretty non existsnt been like that for years and were only young. At the moment i feel suicidal about it all. OM ended things even though he instigated and pushed for it all. Do i tell my DH? I think that would cause unnecisarry upset to him and the household but i dont know how to move on.

OP posts:

ReaganSomerset · 08/02/2019 13:37

Oh dear, OP. What a pickle! Do you want your marriage to work in the end or have you decided you want to leave?

Moominfan · 08/02/2019 13:37

Erm what about your poor husband? Tell him so he atleast has as choice to stay or move on. It's he the kindest thing you could do

ReaganSomerset · 08/02/2019 13:39

If you're staying, I agree with PP, you should tell him. But if the marriage is over anyway, I would let it lie tbh.

FissionChip5 · 08/02/2019 13:41

Tell your DH so he can at least get himself an STI test .

Original poster

Smith5647 · 08/02/2019 13:42

Im really not sure. We get on mostly but were not in love. I know people arent usually loved up after 15 years. Im very close to telling him but it could mean OM wife finding out and i dont want that ( certainly doesnt). But im aware we knew the risks. I dont know what i want. Feel a bit of a fraud saying i want it to work after falling in love with somone else.

OP posts:

Original poster

Smith5647 · 08/02/2019 13:43

Ive already been tested myself as i was aware of the very minute possibility.. that was all fine.

OP posts:

PremierNaps · 08/02/2019 13:43

Tell your husband for two reasons

To get an STI check
So he can make an informed decision as to whether he wants to stay with you or not!

Original poster

Smith5647 · 08/02/2019 13:47

Thats what i thought as its going to be hard enough as it is.

OP posts:

reallemonade · 08/02/2019 13:49

I think you cheating and breaking your vows for two years will cause him upset, yes.

It was unnecessary but you chose to do this to him, he deserves to know the truth of your life. Poor man

FissionChip5 · 08/02/2019 13:51

Ive already been tested myself as i was aware of the very minute possibility

What have you been tested for? You need a blood test for certain things like HIV and syphilis.

Original poster

Smith5647 · 08/02/2019 13:53

I think going forward if were going to stay together id rather he does know so we can start a total fresh ( if he wants to). But then on the other hand.. I dont know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Smith5647 · 08/02/2019 13:53

Yes i had a blood test.

OP posts:

Drogosnextwife · 08/02/2019 13:55

Well you 2 are very selfish aren't you.

userxx · 08/02/2019 14:02

It doesn't sound like you are happy in your marriage. You say you're young, do you really want to live like this for the next x years.

tomhazard · 08/02/2019 14:10

You tell your husband and then decide together if you are both willing to and interested in working on your marriage. If not, then you walk away and allow him to find someone who is more able to commit to their vows that you are.

ShatnersWig · 08/02/2019 14:13

Tell your poor husband you've cheated on him with another man for two years. Either grow a spine and leave him or tell him the truth and allow him to decide what he wants to do with regards to the marriage.

EllaEllaE · 08/02/2019 14:15

It sounds like you want permission to end your marriage. That's ok. Sometimes an affair is a wake up call, telling you that you want more from your relationship and life than just plodding along in low-level lack-of-happiness. A good marriage has love and joy, no matter how long you've been together. Your husband deserves that too, as do you.

So you (both) need to chose between 1) a couple of years of intense unhappiness and upset through the divorce, but followed by potentially being really happy either on your own or with someone you actually love, or 2) the rest of your life spent in a fog of low-level unhappiness.

Whether you stay or go I'd definitely recommend reading Ester Perel's amazing book "The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity". Great advice on how to make a marriage work after an affair, if that's what you want, as well understanding why people have affairs in the first place.

Original poster

Smith5647 · 08/02/2019 14:25

Thank you ELLAELLAE. Thats good and helpful advice. I have considered the fact we might never be more than plodding. Before this happened we were in a stage of “ lets put more effort it” and it was ok but i still allowed this to happen which makes me wonder now.. i feel terrible about the lying etc. My worry is though aside from how its going to effect my family is if i do tell and he pushes for information the other persons wife might find out. It seems like ill be admitting for us both.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 08/02/2019 14:33

Before this happened we were in a stage of “lets put more effort it” and it was ok but i still allowed this to happen

So you both agreed to try and work at your marriage and he did but you decided to go off and fuck someone else at the same time for two years? Nice.

Come on, just be bloody honest with the poor man. Leave him and let him find someone who won't cheat on him.

Strokethefurrywall · 08/02/2019 14:34

I think affair aside, you should end your marriage. Plodding along is no way to live either of your lives - if you end it now, you both may actually develop a better "relationship" as co-parents to your 8 year old.

Let him find someone else to be happy with, and you can find someone else to be happy with too.

Don't tell him about the affair if you're planning to leave in any event, unless he pushes for information. And in that case, you can't protect the OM's wife.
A divorce is no picnic, but a miserable marriage combined with lies and deceit is far worse.

Listen, good people do bad things too. You're human, you've made mistakes, you're sorry for them. But don't mistake being sorry for the affair as an excuse to stay in your marriage. See it as the catalyst for actually freeing you and your husband from a lifetime of "meh".

Josuk · 08/02/2019 14:38

OP - there is absolutely nothing to gain from telling your H.
It only leads to hurt and unnecessary upset.
If you decide to leave - just leave and since you were already discussing it, it won’t be a surprising move.
If you decide to stay and work on it - telling him doesn’t increase chances of that happening. You’ll only hurt him.
So - in none of these choices telling your H is a great idea. It only hurts him. And that isn’t worth the relieve of your guilty conscience.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/02/2019 14:39

You don't love your husband.
You are 'settling' if you stay.
You should split and give your DH a chance to find someone who won't cheat on him.
Or...... if he want to try to work it out and you do too then lots has to be done to get this all back to how it should be.

Original poster

Smith5647 · 08/02/2019 14:47

The effort then was mostly from me

OP posts:

freddiemercury · 08/02/2019 14:50

Don't tell him. Really don't.. many people would rather not know. I wouldn't want to hear it. It's over. Give it a few months to get over your grief and start thinking straight. And then decide what you want to do about your marriage.

Original poster

Smith5647 · 08/02/2019 14:51

Thanks for all of your replies i cant read them properly at the moment but will do asap thanks

OP posts:

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