Don't want DM to look after DD (after asking for it)

[Littleton]

I've name changed for this and sorry it's very long.

I'm due back to work part time in 3 months time when DD will be one. When DH and I have discussed previously he has maintained that it would be better for DD to be with my DM and DF as they dote on DD and she is comfortable with them. I know too that this ought to be better and less anxiety-making than nursery at such a young age. So have asked my DM if she and DF would be happy to have DD on my working days and they've said yes and in fact have pushed for this saying it's better than nursery.

Here is the problem: I'm not exactly happy with this and increasingly by the day dreading this arrangement. Not to massively dripfeed but DM is (always has been) a textbook narcissist and whilst I have really tried hard to be a "good daughter" for the last few years and especially since DD was born, I'm at the stage now where I feel like I've had enough of the constant put-downs, comparisons and casual insults.

I know I've been caught in the FOG for years and years and especially since DD, I am still playing the good daughter but I think I have finally had enough. I also have a bad relationship with siblings (another thread maybe)

Examples of DM behaviour:

• being told postpartum that I didn't have it as bad as her (at the same time as being told that she had no complications in all her births) - I had massive PPH, ventouseorceps, forceps, 7 days in HDU.
• being told (almost daily) that she wishes older DSis would have a baby, sometimes adding that she it's unfair that I've had a baby first.
• being told constantly that I don't know how to look after DD, "you're wrong"/"you don't know anything"/"but I did so and so" etc
• being told that when I go back to work DD won't care if I'm there or not.
• getting blanked for days (including my birthday) because I dared to say one thing I wasn't comfortable with DM doing to DD
• taking DD from me when she is crying to let her "have a go" (DD cries even more)

DM is also prone to temper tantrums. Sometimes (both before and since DD) she has shouted at me down the phone or hung up or just refused to talk to me. Other times I am the "best daughter" and only one who cares etc. You get the picture.

Problem now is do I continue with the plan for DM and DF to look after DD and continue taking the put downs and crap but feel semi-comforted that DD is in "familiar" surroundings OR do me and DH just find our own way and bite the bullet and put DD into nursery? DH and I don't necessarily want to put DD in nursery when she is so little but equally don't want to pass on the toxic relationship to DD. Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware how lucky I am to have DM and DF willing to take on DD as it's a big ask but can just envisage the price I'll pay is my self esteem and sanity.

Thank you if you have read all of that.

Tell me Mumsnetters what on earth do I do?

Oh no OP, please don't do this You will be giving your mother carte blanche to comment on every aspect of your parenting ... and life.
If you really are keen to keep the peace, then drop it down to one day a week, and just say that nursery will be better for your daughter's socialisation.

Do not have your mother look after your child for any length of time. Even one day a week for your mother to have her is one day a week too much.

My mother never said my dd would prefer to be with her once talking. That took my breath away. She is deluded in other ways and has fortunately proved herself to be a much better grandparent than parent. I suspect this may not be the case with your mother.

My mother did say things like my dd loves men more than women already - she was tiny, a couple of months old perhaps. My mother is terribly male biased and I loved men as a baby / small child and so she decide as my dd was a girl she would be the same. That grated somewhat. It did make me chuckle when it proved to be absolutely furthest from the truth. Dd was afraid of almost all men apart from daddies. I learnt to tell her men I though we could trust were daddies. Then she was ok.

Good point about your dd being dumped once your sister has a baby. My mother is surprisingly not biased toward my brothers dc even though she is biased toward my brother. Golden child. Had to visit him on the way to seeing us even though he was 20 mins in the car from her and seeing him regularly. This was all just to prove a point as I was nc from him for a while and am again permanently this time. As a result she arrived during nap time and demanded I wake dd up.

At the time I was well and truly in the fog and pleaded with her not to come then as I knew she’d try to force me to wake dd up. I used to do lot of pleading pre therapy. She must have loved that.

So remember. No pleading, imploring, crying etc. Your mother will not change her attitude.