He deletes messages from women

[Nothappy16]

Please be kind. I’m really confused by how I feel about this. Whilst I trust my other half mostly I know he deletes messages from woman colleagues. He does this because he thinks the messages will bother me which because i’m quite a jealous person I know I would find fault in something I suppose.

I’m not sure what i’m asking I want to believe him when he says he is not cheating it understands it’s not right but I feel so uneasy about this. He said he will stop deleting them and I can see them if I want.

Sorry I suppose there isn’t a question in that but looking for some advice on how to approach this and deal wiv it

His behaviour is completely abnormal.

It could be because you are deranged and he is stuck in an unhealthy relationship dynamic with you

OR

He could be a serial cheat and womaniser who is abusing you and undermining your self esteem and you are stuck in an unhealthy relationship dynamic with him.

Either way this is VERY unhealthy

To answer your question: i would deal with it by ending the relationship

Yep time to delete him

It’s not as easy as ending it. There is a whole family life at stake and I don’t want to throw that away without trying but I feel sick about it.

I don’t think he see’s it the same way I do

His behaviour is completely abnormal

Is it? I would like to hear his side really.

Trusting him mostly usually translates into not trusting at all and questioning every little thing.

If he is offering to let you read them, he has nothing to hide

Do you agree you have a jealousy issue?
What would you prefer him to do?

To be honest I don’t check details etc. But I had a hunch and we have had a big argument so talked about a lot of things and I asked about her, I said I looked at his work phone in December and she wasn’t on his messages list so he told me. He just said that there’s nothing in it other then friendly work chat/banter about people they work with but I would probably not like it so deletes them. Role reversed knows he would be unhappy. He also said that he knows he crossed the line doing that but not doing anything else so knows in his mind there’s nothing to feel guilty about.

It sucks. I do know some colleagues that would do this and both seem happily married, I just ha en’t ever felt the need and my closet colleagues are male. Suppose some whatsapps group messages might cross the line with banter if reading back through but I have never deleted anything

Erm probably agree I wouldn’t like them being too friendly/confiding in each other about work stresses so do agree I would of kicked off. Messages deleted so nothing to read. I don’t want to be that person who asks to read his phone though, ever. I just want to trust him but this has knocked me.

I cannot knock his honestly to admit this though as I would not of known if he hadn’t but after arguing we sort of opened up and asked each other about a lot. This stings.

It sure what I would prefer him to do. I have close makes colleagues so would not police him so if all things were even I would accept he has a female colleague he discusses work issues with, I do it with males. I suppose I trust him more to be comfortable with that then he trusts me to be comfortable with his colleague

In what way are you jealous and how do you show it?

Can't you just ask him to stop deleting them? I'm personally of the opinion that if you don't trust someone then you shouldn't be in the relationship but appreciate family circumstances might make that difficult

Hand on heart probably would be a bit off with him. I know I have an issue, deep down do I tho k he would cheat no not really but I must admit this stings. I can rationalise why he has done this. It still wrecks my head

But you are that person, you were looking at his work phone in December.

With you on the trust and yes he said he wouldn’t delete them without me getting to the asking point. Trust us usually isn’t our issue, we are so family orientated for our child that we have forgotten each other a bit and making effort for one another as a couple. We go through patches where we do an it’s brilliant then life takes over and we get worn down and narky. Usually only a big argument a couple times of year which will end in a lot of communication. We communicate poorly on the deep stuff away from arguments

I know I did look at his phone. Very rare I would do that, likely twice last year. You’re right though and I am happy to admit my faults

But you are not happy being so insecure are you?

I couldn't live like this. Either get some counselling for your insecurity or leave. You cannot sustain a relationship living with this amount of insecurity.

I haven’t protested I don’t have issues I suffer both from depression and anxiety. I have been honest with my failings. Thanks for your comment anyway.

Just feels like something that i’m Going to struggle getting over

The root of your anxiety is likely your insecurity in your relationship.

I think i’ve always had anxiety from a young age regardless of a relationship or not but yes I do suppose being in a relationship heightens it. I would be mortified to lose our family unit

You really should try some counselling. Any relationship could end at any time, but if you are constantly worried and focused on it, you are not enjoying your relationship the way you should.

None of us know what our futures hold, but worrying about it is unhealthy.

So I am the problem in this

I don't like the double standard here. He wouldn't like you doing it, but he does.