He deletes messages from women

[Nothappy16]

Please be kind. I’m really confused by how I feel about this. Whilst I trust my other half mostly I know he deletes messages from woman colleagues. He does this because he thinks the messages will bother me which because i’m quite a jealous person I know I would find fault in something I suppose.

I’m not sure what i’m asking I want to believe him when he says he is not cheating it understands it’s not right but I feel so uneasy about this. He said he will stop deleting them and I can see them if I want.

I managed a team of people who were working outdoors for a few months, many of them were young and female and they often had to text me about issues with people they were working with (more effective and confidential than them all bothering me when I was in meetings)

I'd have been very upset if I felt I was supposed to feel guilty about this.

Surely the content of the messages is far more important than who they're from??

Think it's worth checking that's it's nothing like this setup before encouraging anything drastic to happen.

Also, I'm afraid that if you think that the reason people go to counselling is because they are "the problem", well that's quite revealing in itself.

It’s less work critical contact. They are in touch as do similar jobs and tend to message to discuss work stuff. But it’s the fact they are deleted.

I was asking the other poster am I the problem as I really don’t feel this can be pinned 100% on me. It’s not acceptable for me that he deletes them, I do feel betrayed

It's a bit weird that he felt he had to delete them but if you react badly then I kind of understand.

I think you need to really think about where your trust issues stem from and get help to address them.

From a different viewpoint, I work in a male dominated industry. Most I suspect would delete their messages from female colleagues. Not because there's anything to it, but to avoid exactly situations like this from their other half's. I don't think you're on your own by reacting this way, I think more people would be suspicious about messages being deleted than will admit.

i would deal with it by ending the relationship

Really?

So let's say the Op leaves her partner. 6 months later she meets another man and that man does the henious thing of deleting a message from a woman, what should she do then?

I know where the trust issues come from and it’s a previous relationship. I also know that’s it’s horrible to punish someone for somebody’s else’s mistakes so I have no right to of ever mistrusted him.

Thanks for the different view points it does help, he isn’t a monster I know that it just stung. He also didn’t have to tell me, I reacted calmly and just said it hurt.

Deleting messages in itself is not betrayal. Although snooping on his phone is. He is entitled to privacy as are the people who message him. I would not tolerate someone checking my phone or private communications.

My employers would not tolerate someone snooping on work communications. They are none of your business. Anxiety is not a licence to indulge controlling behaviour. Monitoring his phone and communications with a colleague is controlling. If you aren’t able to trust the family unit is breaking up.

Why don’t you trust him beyond talking to a colleague, which is what people do.

I hardly snoop on his phone twice at most in over 12 months. That’s not too bad going in my book.

Other then those times I haven’t when there has been ample Opportunity to.

It’s texts he has told me about in a conversation after arguing, I asked about her. I don’t think anyone is perfect and has never nosed at their partners phone.

I just needed to get it off my chest but after some of the replies it doesn’t feel as bad as I first thought.

Your insecurity is the problem. If you don't trust him, why stay with him?

What has he done to fuel your insecurity, aside from deleting messaged because you can't handle him having contact with women.

Your need to snoop isn't going to just go away. You are probably fighting it constantly.

why stay with him

Well it's obvious she's not going to trust the next partner. So what you're saying is that she should be single forever instead of trying to work through her issues?

I’m not fighting it constantly. I’m fine with contact with woman I tho k this contact would of crossed the line with being too friendly/banter so that’s what he said I would probably not like. That’s what makes me feel uncomfortable as on the flip side I do not delete anything. I just felt suspicious. Like I said before it was brought up in the context of a lot of things so not the main focal point even though it was the thing that hurt to most in the conversation.

I will have a think about my issues though.

as on the flip side I do not delete anything

You don't need to as he obviously doesn't have the same trust issues. So it's not actually a flip side.

No StepLadders007, I told her to go to counselling if you care to read the full thread

Ok thanks for the advice. Goodnight.

If you snooped on the phone you obviously had a gut feeling that something wasn't right so don't let anyone bash you for that.

Bullshit....To me the fact that he's deleting messages says it all, he's either cheating or he's hiding inappropriate conversations.

No one deletes what doesn't need to be hidden.

Trust your gut OP.

Why would he delete innocent conversations?

No one deletes what doesn't need to be hidden

They do if their partner is totally irrational.

I think he deletes to avoid any arguments. They might be innocent to him and his work mates, but you might find it the opposite that's why?

I do understand where you're coming from OP, as I would also question the reason behind the constant deleting. Then again, it's his phone and privacy.

He comes back home to you every evening, except maybe there's been some suspicious activity lately that has triggered your reaction? Better still, talk about it to him and in a civilised manner. Do take it easy considering your mental health. X

Thanks for your replies @StepLadders007 inferring I am totoally irrational is really rude to be honest, no need at all.

I wouldn't like this at all . I would feel if there's nothing going on then no need to delete. It depends very much on the content of the messages, how friendly they are and how frequent. Op is not being irrational mad etc, me and husband both get work texts but no need to delete any because they are always work related, not chatty or flirty. If they are the latter he is deleting out of guilt . I would want to see them just because he's deleting. It's suspicious that he has has created this situation. Genuine work related messages don't need deleting. It's all in the context, content and frequency imo

Why would he delete innocent conversations?

^Because his partner is paranoid and doesn’t trust him. She will overreact and read into something that is not there. That’s why.

That’s what scares me, if it was innocent why delete. I have male colleagues that I talk about and don’t delete messages from and there’s nothing to hide it doesn’t cross my mind. I feel uneasy about it

But your reaction is totally irrational. Do you honestly not see that?

I'm still trying to understand why it's okay for him, but he wouldn't be happy if it was reversed.

That's where I would have a problem.