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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He deletes messages from women

77 replies

Nothappy16 · 07/02/2019 22:09

Please be kind. I’m really confused by how I feel about this. Whilst I trust my other half mostly I know he deletes messages from woman colleagues. He does this because he thinks the messages will bother me which because i’m quite a jealous person I know I would find fault in something I suppose.

I’m not sure what i’m asking I want to believe him when he says he is not cheating it understands it’s not right but I feel so uneasy about this. He said he will stop deleting them and I can see them if I want.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 10:31

That’s what scares me, if it was innocent why delete

But you know why op, you've said it yourself, you'd kick off and wouldn't like it if they were confiding about work stresses. There is nothing wrong with them being friends or confiding about work stresses, but if it would make you kick off, then that's why he is deleting them,

And the reason you don't feel the need to delete them as he doesn't kick off about the same thing, so you don't need to worry. He does.

Original poster
Nothappy16 · 08/02/2019 18:07

I’ve said I have problems but it is double standards and sneaky of him

OP posts:
LaughingCow99 · 08/02/2019 18:22

The poor chap can't win. He should be entitled to chat to whoever he wants. I feel sorry for him. Your behaviour is controlling and he is behaving the way he does to keep the peace.

MishMashMosher · 08/02/2019 18:24

In almost 10 years together I have never once snooped on my husbands phone.

I am in your husbands shoes as my DH is very insecure and often checks my phone if he gets the chance. I have passwords that he doesnt know and won't ever leave my phone lying around ect. I would also delete messages from any men. I don't have anything to hide but I can't deal with his jealously. His distrust and suspicion has made me like this. I always feel like I need to hide my messages even though they are completely innocent and I always feel like I'm doing soemthing wrong. It something I really hate him for.

Just for you to see the other side.

MishMashMosher · 08/02/2019 18:26

I'm sure my behaviour around my phone makes me look like I'm doing something wrong but I can't help it.

Original poster
Nothappy16 · 08/02/2019 18:27

Thanks for the perspective mishmash.

Laughingcow99 he can talk to anyone he wants he just doesn’t need to be sneaky about it if it’s innocent

OP posts:
LaughingCow99 · 08/02/2019 21:01

Is up to you to decide what's innocent.

LaughingCow99 · 08/02/2019 21:02

And I'm sorry, but you are sneaky snooping on his phone when you can't control yourself

Original poster
Nothappy16 · 08/02/2019 21:06

Twice on a year is hardly uncontrollable. Not sure why you are so invested in this thread but i’m Glad for you that you’re perfect and in a perfect relationship yourself

OP posts:
DonkeyAtemyHomework · 08/02/2019 21:14

The only version of this I know is my parents.
My Dad was a manager of a lot of women and my mother a SAHM.
My mother used to beat him up if a woman from work so much as acknowledged him in the supermarket.
There was nothing he could do to assuage her suspicions or jealousy. I vividly recall it all coming to a head one summer where two of his staff went on a sun holiday and sent him a postcard. My mother was incandescent with rage and a lot of things in the house got broken that day. She accused him of having an affair etc.

In hindsight, these were probably 19 year old girls who had the craic with their boss, or might even have had a crush on him.

Moral of the story here: 20 years of this shit and my Dad did actually have an affair. He is still with that woman.

The atmosphere in our house was utter hell. We couldn't take it and he eventually couldn't take it.

DonkeyAtemyHomework · 08/02/2019 21:17

As for us children? We have all moved countries to avoid the lunacy of our mother.

LaughingCow99 · 08/02/2019 21:27

I wouldn't say invested. I'm certainly intrigued that the op is in denial about the extent her behaviour has played in his.

I also question if it is really only twice a year that she snoops.

Regardless, it's q very unhealthy dynamic.

Oh, and I'm not perfect, but I am able to look at myself and see how my behaviour can affect others.

Original poster
Nothappy16 · 08/02/2019 21:30

I have said how my behaviour has affected others perhaps read through again. Feel free to question, like I said i’m Sure you have a happy relationship that’s faultless yourself.

OP posts:
LaughingCow99 · 08/02/2019 21:32

Ok, so if your behaviour is impacting on the situation, what can you do about it?

DonkeyAtemyHomework · 08/02/2019 21:33

NotHappy
How does it manifest when you're jealous?

Original poster
Nothappy16 · 08/02/2019 21:36

There is slots I can do and that’s what we talked through about each other. Deep down I trust him we communicated that. I’m glad i’ve admitted things and vice versa but it did hurt and still does to an extent.

I’m not perfect but I know I have been jealous in the past so can see how this has led to this that’s why I still have the trust and don’t feel it’s an affair.

I’m still upset and it will take a couple of days for that to fully pass so i’m just trying to carry on as normal until it does and then have another chat about it all again

OP posts:
Hanab · 08/02/2019 21:48

Op I feel you are being unfairly bashed here. You admit your faults hats off to you. I feel if hubby stops deleting the messages it will encourage you to trust him more.

It probably makes you think what if.. is he.. are they.. etc...

On the otherhand if you do feel/read a text ( if it is shown to you or you happen to see it or read it) is inappropriate that you should calmly talk to him and voice your concerns.

You both need to work together to form a sort of trust.

Ps: I did not read the entire thread so just from a quick read through these are my humble thoughts.

Original poster
Nothappy16 · 08/02/2019 22:00

Thank you @hanab I appreciate it

OP posts:
Caucho · 08/02/2019 22:14

Having read everything you do seem the guilty party but there is always the ‘just because you’re paranoid it doesn’t mean people are out to get you scenario’.

Is he is an executive out and about all the time? If he isn’t then think rationally. Does he actually have time to conduct an affair? Does he come back from work most days? I know some people who think that it’s like the TV programme suits with people shagging in the broom cupboard but in reality if he’s not staying away at night it’s not likely for mere mortals to be shagging. Call me a prude but most people still have sex in bed. One off shag maybe but not regular affair stuff

Caucho · 08/02/2019 22:15

Not out to get you I meant to write doh

SandyY2K · 08/02/2019 22:30

Does he ever check your phone? Has he commented on conversations with other men?

Original poster
Nothappy16 · 09/02/2019 10:19

Yes think he has checked and yes has commented but i’m Open and don’t delete and texts or conversations with men that are either family meneners or male work colleagues

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothappy16 · 09/02/2019 13:12

Not sure if I said but it’s only tects from one woman all the others stay on the phone and he says it’s because she’s attractive

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothappy16 · 09/02/2019 13:12

*texts

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 09/02/2019 13:30

These men and their messages/banter outside work - it's always with women, isn't it?

Then the partner at home is labelled jealous and insecure when really it's husband causing that.

Call his bluff and say ok yes I would like to see the messages please. then again he will probably warn the sender that it is to be bland messages only from now on. He'll delete the more intense ones so you will never see them.

To be honest, I don't think Id even bother calling his brother. I find men who gameplay like this very boring. As I don't want to be part of the game, I'd be gone.

Who wants a relationship that makes you think too much? Life is just too short

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