Once a cheater always a cheater?

[jess24x8]

I've seen many posts on here about relationship problems/cheating and a lot of ladies tend to say that once a cheat, always a cheat. What is your personal opinion? Do you think that if someone cheats at a young age they are still likely to cheat once they've matured? Do you think this could be a reason not to give someone a second chance? Or do you simply think that people can/can't change and in fact..once a cheat, always a cheat. I just thought I'd start a discussion to see what everyone's opinions are on this topic x

I think cheats find it hard to change. My father cheated on my mother, he was with his OW for 20 years and they seemed very happy together, he had been having various affairs the whole time and she eventually found out.

For some people a long term, happy relationship isn’t enough.

I think if you cheat once then the relationship is already so damaged that it makes it more likely for you to cheat again. But I also know a serial cheat who cheats on all her partners, someone who thinks it’s a game to get with men who already have partners (it’s really quite twisted as she never stays with them once she’s got them) and some people who have cheated once and then never did it again with new partners.

I think if you have the mindset that you can get away with it then that's how you think. In my experience, yes.

I can only go from my own experience but I met my ex husband at 16, he cheated on me at 18. We met up again when I was 22, got married at 26, had our daughter at 27 and he cheated when I was pregnant with our son at 29. It was a ONS, we decided to try and move on from it, which we did, then 10 years later (last year) he had a full blown affair and I left him.
I think if you have the moral compass (or not) to be unfaithful then it's part of your learned, entrenched behaviour and I would be very sceptical if I met someone who I knew has been unfaithful to their partner.
Just to add, when we met again at 22, I was single and he was engaged so he cheated on her with me (although left her pretty quickly before much happened) so i should have learned then really.
I at least take a bit of comfort in knowing that he will do it to the OW at some point (or she to him as she was also living with someone at the time of their affair).

Maybe in the instance that before they met DP they cheated but now with the one they've happily settled down.

If cheating on a current partner, I believe the cheating will continue if it's swept under the carpet and not dealt with properly, some relationships can be saved but only those with something to loose and not a doormat DP.

Of the people I know have cheated, not one has only cheated once.

Nope!

I was a serial cheat. Don't think I was faithful to a single boyfriend or my ExDH, UNTIL I met my now OH. Been "straight" for something like 6 years and I wouldn't dream of it now. Just not interested in anyone but him.

You will notthat, you just don’t realise it yet.

I cheated repeatedly on my first husband who I did not love and who was abusive towards me. I have been with my second husband nearly a decade and haven't so much as looked at anyone else. So no, for me it is not true.

Intèresting point you've made MrsPerfect12. I wouldn't have thought to summarise like that, but actually, maybe there's something in it.

It’s all the other behaviours that the individual shows. Like do they take chances with gambling, are they abusive, do they have other behaviours such as huge sense of entitlement and an ego to go with it. Are they ever at fault?

I just ended my relationship with my now ex two days ago, he had form of all of the above and one thing that stood out with him was he never took responsibility for anything. He cheated in all his relationships, including ours. But he never owned up, there was always someone else to blame or a reason for the above behaviours. So yes if there are other behaviours such as the above the likelihood of cheating is higher.

My friends DGrandma gave us some relationship advice I've never forgotten actually: Marry someone who loves you more than you love them.
And I think she was a bit of a one!

Depends why they cheated. Sometimes people make monumental fuck ups. Plenty of people I've seen on here say they cheated once when they were 'young and stupid' and never have again.

I used to think that people could change, but the thing with cheaters is that they are very very good liars, and when you've seen someone tell you a barefaced lie without the slightest flicker of a sign, you come to realise that there's a huge crack in the character of a person who deceives so readily...

I tend to think of it slightly differently. I tend to think once a not very nice person, always a not very nice person.

My ex-H cheated on me and he is still married to the OW, some 16 years later. As far as I'm aware he hasn't cheated on her. My boss cheated with his now current wife and has been with her for 13 years and as far as I'm aware has been faithful to her. I have a fairly long list of people to whom this applies.

However, they remain selfish, entitled people - that doesn't change!

Depends. I cheated on a boyfriend in my teens. Am now in my forties and haven't done it since and never will again. Some people do reflect on past behaviour and the pain it caused and do successfully change. I accept it's impossible to 'prove' this without living through it though.

My experience says that, yes, once a cheat always a cheat.
But I do believe if someone did it when much younger then it might not follow through to full grown up person and mind.
But if they are older and a cheat then that's unlikely to change.

I have to agree, if it was a mistake when younger they often don't repeat. Often if they leave the relationship due to affair.

But I've seen too many times men/women who get away with cheating. Do it again, it's the excitement and craving for it. They can't help but do it again. Could not always be a full blown affair.

I think people can change, but it means admitting that they have been selfish and hurtful. Very few people are willing to admit they have character flaws, let alone work on addressing them - the sort of people who have an entitled outlook and go through life routinely lying and cheating are least likely to alter their behaviour.
I think the people who change are the ones who wake up to what they risk losing and are scared enough to change. I don't believe love prevents cheating - I think that love is what makes somebody willing to really look at themselves and be willing to make themselves better people.

Having said all that, I don't think anyone is immune from cheating - life can be hard and it's easy to get tempted. There is a difference imo between someone who gets into an affair in a weak moment and a serial cheat.

I think you'd have to study this scientifically :)
Personally, if they'd cheated on two different partners, that would suggest to me that they had no problem with cheating. Just once and they might have learned from it, or it might have been out of character. Twice and it's starting to look like a habit.
But even if you get a new partner who has never cheated on anyone before, he or she can still cheat on you. My ex didn't cheat on anyone until he was in his 40s. So you might reject an ex-cheat and start a relationship with someone with a clean record, but still be cheated on. People never come with a guarantee.

Definitely not, when you are younger you tend to make wilder choices, as you grow you learn from your mistakes so for me someone who cheats in their younger days doesn't mean they will carry on throughout their life cheating on partners, no.

No I think they can change. I cheated a few years ago. My partner was emotionally abusive and I was worn down from him. I bumped into an ex, we decided to go for lunch and ended up going back to his for sex. I ended the relationship the next day but we got back together a few months later.
I did not love my partner at the time and I know I should have ended things earlier but I was at a weak point and it happened.
I am married now to an amazing man who I love completely and we respect and trust each other. I would never cheat on him, the thought has never occurred to me.
So I think they can change but it depends on the reasons for cheating. Some people will always be cheats, some won't.

What makes a person nice though. Does cheating make you a bad person?what if you cheat but you give lots of money to charity and help pensioners across the street. Who decides these moral dilemmas.

Zippey, yeah for me it does make you a bad person, esp if it's prolonged like an affair etc; so what if you give to charity, you are still doing a shitty thing, and yes, I've done it myself in my younger days, I'd never even think about cheating now.

What makes a person nice though
Good question. People are rarely all good or all bad. I guess you can do nice things within society and still be a crap partner.
It's easier imo to be nice to strangers because it requires no emotional input or commitment from you. Harder to be a good partner though, since this requires consistent effort, esp when times are tough and not being weak and selfish when temptation comes along.