Thing is it’s far too simplistic to say that a cheater is not a nice person or that if someone cheats there are never outside factors which lead to this being the case. And anyone who admits to having had an affair is automatically dismissed because they had an affair after all and of course they’re going to downplay it.
But the reality is that cheating is very rarely blac and white. And while cheating is nevr the right course of action or the right thing to do, there can be circumstances which explain why someone ended up cheating rather than justifying that fact.
Also, whether we like to admit it or not, society does not support the notion of leaving a relationship for other reasons. How often do people come on here and say that their partner has said they don’t love them any more and want to leave? That partner is still called all the names under the sun, and yet should they not be allowed to fall out of love and leave an unhappy relationship just because it’s an unhappy relationship? People judge people for leaving without a tangible reason far more harshly than if they leave for an OW or because of an OW/OM.
And every nice person does horrible things. Where does one draw the line at what makes you a nice person and what doesn’t? If you shouted at your kids once and lost it does that forever make you a bad person? If you have a massive row with your partner involving name calling and swearing once does that make you a bad person for the rest of your life? Your actions at the time may make you a bad person but that doesn’t mean that you are a bad person forever and were always one anyway.
And now here’s the bit where everything I said will be dismissed because I had an affair. Nothing in the world can justify it and I can hand on heart say that I would never do it again. However my eXH was emotionally abusive to the point he gaslighted me throughout our relationship. At the earliest opportunity he attempted to move us away from all my friends and family, I threatened to leave him once over it and he backed down, but a year later after things had normalised again he brought it back up and pressed the point until I felt I had no choice. He made it impossible for me to go back to work because of the long hours he worked meaning that we wouldn’t have had childcare. He bugged the house to see what I was doing during the day, put keyloggers on my computer to see what I was doing, I later found out he took naked pictures of me when I was unaware and kept them without telling me.
He gaslighted me by telling me that certain friends of his wanted to set him up with female friends of theirs, when I mentioned it some time down the line (as we’d laughed about it at the time) he accused me of lying.
If friends called me he would question why they couldn’t get support from someone else, the list here is endless.
When I met the OM it was as if something clicked, and suddenly I realised that there were people out there who could be interested in me for me. We were together once only, and then I went home and ended the relationship which tbh was already on shaky ground and I’d spoken of leaving. The affair with the OM ended for other reasons, eXH would have taken me back then but I had actually realised that I could leave and that people would get it, I was even told before that there was never any justification for leaving a relationship other than an affair or physical violence, but I didn’t choose an affair and looking back I wish I’d been stronger and left before but I hadn’t.
Now he’s in another relationship and has gaslighted his partner in the same way.
But feel free to believe that it was all on me, that I am evil personified and that my ex was a blameless victim just because I cheated.
Thing is, if I’d come on to mn and recounted some of the stuff my ex did during our relationship I would have been told he was abusive and I deserved better. But the instant I cheated his abuse has seemingly been wiped out and he is the victim whereas I am entirely to blame for the breakdown of my marriage. M