Once a cheater always a cheater?

[jess24x8]

I've seen many posts on here about relationship problems/cheating and a lot of ladies tend to say that once a cheat, always a cheat. What is your personal opinion? Do you think that if someone cheats at a young age they are still likely to cheat once they've matured? Do you think this could be a reason not to give someone a second chance? Or do you simply think that people can/can't change and in fact..once a cheat, always a cheat. I just thought I'd start a discussion to see what everyone's opinions are on this topic x

Of course it can be a one off. No one here can speak for everyone. Sometimes a cheater can realise what they stood to lose. Or someone could cheat and realise they shouldn't be in their relationship and move on to find someone they are totally committed to. I find sweeping generalisations frustrating, personally.

I think it depends on circumstances. Someone in an unhappy relationship would be likely to cheat more than once. But if they then went on to have a happy relationship with someone they truly loved they probably wouldn't have the inclination.

I know people who have cheated and never recovered. I also know people who have addressed problems in their relationships after cheating and come back stronger. I don't think it's as black and white as once a cheat always a cheat and I do believe people can learn from their mistakes.

IMO it suits people to believe that once a cheat always a cheat because then they can A, hope that the individual will go on to cheat on their next partner, and B, be content in the belief that the affair was all down to the cheat and that they would have done it anyway and that they the cheated-on partner had no part to play in the breakdown of the relationship.

It of course goes without saying that there are some people who just don’t want to be in monogamous relationships and that they will likely go on to cheat again regardless of who they’re with.

Interestingly in my case my ex’s colleagues and friends warned him it was a bad idea to insist on moving me away from all friends and family, and after we moved he constantly travelled back with our DC to the town we had moved from to watch sporting events, see friends etc, things I wasn’t invited to go to because of the cost of us all going now that we lived in a higher priced area. So not only had we moved away and I was a sahm and had no friends or family nearby during the week, but he took the DC out during the weekends as wel so I was left completely isolated. If I did go out with friends then some crisis would come up meaning that I couldn’t go or had to come back early so I stopped trying.

When I told him I was leaving and why (and this was prior to me having had an affair) he went to counselling and actually admitted to the things which were his wrongs in the relationship. But when I left he stopped going to counselling and decided that they weren’t things he needed to work on after all.

Two things: commitment and deceit

As a relationship progresses and becomes serious, we think about being exclusive and then being committed to each other.

Isn't that the choice that moves a relationship into something more serious and long term, that means we invest our life in a life with this person?

So responsibility to commitment is at issue when temptation arises. If there are issues - the partner's issues or relationship issues - that are not 'out there', it seems to me that's when cheating occurs. Some people are never going to really be committed - and that's when it becomes more about deceit. Deceit sustains the cheating, and keeps the cheater in lala land - they are unable to take responsibility for their behaviour and the damage it will cause to others.

So, in a way it's not just once a cheat always a cheat (though I lean towards that thinking), it's about how does commitment with their current partner feel to potential cheater, and how self aware are they.

No, they are usually selfish entitled people.

Firstly ravenmum what a breath of fresh air to read logical thinking, life , situations and people are complex, nothing is clear cut. Cheating I think depends on so many factors thats its almost impossible to compare two different situations. True , there will always be narcissistic people who are void of any conscience when it comes to cheating on their partners, but I think they are a very small percentage of the population. In reality, humans are what they are, imperfect beings trying to live by our self imposed rules, and those imposed by society, things dont always go as planned and the nicest people can make shitty decisions some where in their life.

I don't think "once a cheat always a cheat" but I would never stay with a cheater. It is cowardly, selfish and shows a lack of respect in a relationship - I could never be with somebody who didn't respect me. And equally I wouldn't respect them any more.

I think I've come across far more positive than I really am 😂

Wasn't a good wife in my 1st marriage I cheated a lot, I decided I needed to leave so that was that. Got my karma 3 fold. Was totally and utterly in love with my 2nd husband to the point of old friends not recognising me as me anymore. 6 years in and he broke me to nothing with the lies and the cheating. My karma was served well and truly. I never so much as looked at another man as I was completely besotted. Should of listened to his 1st wife who he cheated on left right and centre that he'd never change, as he never did. I changed as a person and I believed that I'd had my karma for my behaviour. Lesson learnt the hard way.

Also think that ravenmum makes a lot of sense. I think there's a huge difference between someone who's been married and faithful for a long time, is a good spouse but loses their way/midlife crisis during a period in their lives. Long marriages are difficult in a way that one never understands until they go through it. In a long marriage almost everyone will be tempted at some point for many, many reasons. Sometimes these midlife crisis types are people who are not bad people, they just lose their way for a while.

I am a lot more skeptical of those who are unfaithful much earlier in a marriage. It's not that hard to stay faithful for a decade, unless something's wrong with the marriage or the person. Boy, would I tread carefully there. It tells you at a minimum that they have incredibly poor emotional maturity.

Depends on the circumstances. I think if someone's out blatantly shagging around behind their partners back then no, they're unlikely to change. If however someone who's been otherwise loyal develops feelings for someone/ loses their way or feels trapped or unhappy in the relationship they're in then it doesn't necessarily mean they'd cheat in a relationship they are happy in.
Either way, I wouldn't stay with a partner who'd cheated on me as I honestly don't think you can cheat if you truly love someone

I think it depends...

With serial cheaters yes because they are addicted to the ego boost, novelty, and chase part of it....sordid little bunch.

My ex did cheat, a lot. And he cheated on his fiancé before me, and the lady he married after me. (I never married him, I just knew he wasn't marriage material).

I strongly suspect my husband cheated (or at the very least had his head turned) 15 years ago, when he came in from a night out.

At the time, we had two babies, aged 5 months and 19 months, he had just lost his job (I wasn't working) and we lived over 1,000 miles from our family and friends. Needless to say, life wasn't much fun.

We almost separated, but due to finances, didn't. I do think he also did a mental stock check of what he stood to lose, and made a decision accordingly.

After we got through that, we became, and remain super strong. I doubt he has ever come close to crossing the line again. As he is a wonderful, loving husband and father, I haven't chosen to investigate my suspicions, as I really never felt this 'feeling' again.

And, no, he isn't a bad person. Quite the opposite. (And yes, I got myself checked out and it was an all clear)