And I've never been able to process it properly...
I've been a lurker on here for a long time now but not really ventured into posting until today.
I'm 27, and there's something that ten years on I cannot shake and cannot close. I even attempted counselling but was too ashamed and embarrassed to explain what happened, so although we made progress in other areas we never got close to working on this.
I was 17, in sixth form and had snuck out with a friend for a night out in our local town. I was a typical teenager, far too short dress on, fake tan and high heels and my parents thought I was at a sleepover.
Whilst out, we met some male friends of my friends who were much older (think about 25). We had a couple of drinks with them and one of them hit it off with me and we kissed in a nightclub.
I then lost my friend, and my phone battery died. The man I was with told me that my friend had gone back to his friend's with a guy and he could walk me there to find her, which naively I did.
We arrived at the house and it became quickly very clear that the friend had never been there and was not arriving. I had been lied to.
I was now alone with this older man, and absolutely petrified of my parents finding out I was out drinking. I had no phone and my friend lived in a village out of town.
Whilst worrying this man kept running his hand up my bare leg, trying to touch my crotch. I remember pushing him away multiple times, I even remember trying to rub my phone battery to desperately try and get some last life out of it.
Man tells me that if I stay the night he can drop me back at friends in the morning before my parents arrive and then I won't get in trouble, I reluctantly consent.
Again, more attempts to touch my knickers, and me pushing his hand away.
I'm ashamed to say I gave in, he then proceeded to have sex with me and I was so scared and confused that in my mixed up 17 year old head I didn't want him to have sex with me in the area that was in my head for lovemaking, and baby making, I felt like that would be too much of an invasion so I asked him to instead do it anally, which was extremely painful.
Afterwards I told myself that this must be what being grown up is like, this is how one night stands must work and desperately tried to normalise the situation.
The next morning, we had sex before I left (again I think in an attempt for me to make it a 'normal' situation and 'just' a one night stand').
He dropped me off at the friends, my dad picked me up and I sat at Sunday lunch with my parents that day like nothing happened at all.
I haven't told any friends or family about this, the shame I carry is so heavy I struggle to articulate it. I made the mistake of telling a partner about it and they said I should have 'tried harder' to stop it and implied it was my fault.
Does anybody have any advice on shutting this down once and for all? I don't want another ten years of haunting. I don't even know his name.