..and I'm forcing my husband to sleep in the living room. I'm just so fucking tired of his behaviour. I'm so tired I can't tell whether my reaction is OTT or not. I just don't want him following me everywhere and talking me into the ground.
This is on the back of a stupid argument but it's blown sky high. My husband has always undermined my parenting-I'm not sure why. We have been married for 10 years, we have two daughters aged 8 and 10. Both girls have electronic devices (iphones/macbooks). The eldest (who I will call Katie) also uses my kindle Last week Katie went on a sleepover with my kindle and returned with the screen smashed. She claims she has no idea how it happened. I wasn't mad because accidents happen we just agreed that she would do jobs around the house for me until she has recouped some of the money (she hasn't done any yet). The money wasn't the point for me-it's the principle of the thing. If you break something-regardless of it being an accident-you make restitution.
Tonight, she dropped her MacBook on the floor and it's now non-functional. This is in the context of her constantly dropping it or drinking/eating over it.
When she dropped I immediately knew it was dead. I didn't shout. I didn't raise my voice at all. I didn't actually feel angry, I just kind of resigned. My younger daughter immediately asked what would happen now and my response was "Well now Katie doesn't have a laptop". There was no sarcasm, no tone, nothing-just matter of fact. Katie asked me if I could repair it (I'm an IT Technician), my response was "no, it's not repairable". In truth I could repair it, but I didn't want to. After that Katie went to her room to have a cry and I got on with cleaning the kitchen.
I'm not a believer in shouting or raised voices but I do believe in consequences. The consequence for being careless with devices is that if you break them-you don't have a device to use. Am I being unreasonable?
My husband has a habit of getting in between me and our daughters. Every parenting decision I make is questioned. I knew that if he saw that Katie was upset he would immediately rush and console her regardless of context and I would be the 'bad' one. I don't know whether he just genuinely starts from the assumption that I am incompetent or whether it's just part of his pattern of manipulative behaviour.
To mitigate the likelihood that he would immediately start making a big fuss of her I explained to him what had happened. As part of the explanation I also said "I do have another laptop in work she can use but I don't want to tell her that. I think she should have to be without one for a month." (bear in mind I refurbish laptops for a living.) DH immediately started to tell me that 1 month without a laptop was unfair and how 1 month to a 10year old would seem like an eternity etc etc. Then he tells his usual tales of how he always lost/broke things as a kid and it was never his fault and he couldn't help it.
He feels a week should be sufficient. I told him I didn't agree. This was not acceptable to him.
An hour after that after the girls were in bed he came to me and asked me to go to Katie and tell her that I was not angry with her because she was worried that I was angry. In truth, I'm not angry. Just tired. Nothing in my voice or actions expressed anger. I know she's feeling guilty. She’s a normal kid and a normal response is regret at your actions. From my perspective, experiencing these sorts of emotions is part of life.
My husband likes to manage other people’s emotions. He likes to manage mine and the children's. I went to Katie's room, stroked her head, and kissed her goodnight for the second time.
He then tried to start an argument with me over the fact that I hadn't told her verbatim that "I wasn't angry". He says I am wrong for doing this. From his perspective she should not be left to wonder if her mother is angry. From my perspective, I haven't expressed anger. I've been calm, kind and patient in a sort of "these things happen-but still you have to deal with the consequences" kind of way. I feel that his response is to brush everything under the carpet.
My husband has this pattern of getting very intense over small things. He's very intense with me and the children. He likes to lecture and he has to be right. He will keep going all night over the most trivial things until I am so worn out I just capitulate. It's perplexing and exhausting.
For the first time in our marriage I've gone into our bedroom and locked the door. I just cannot bear another night long lecture (he calls it "wanting to talk"). Every time he wants "to talk" I end up miserable and even more resentful at the end of it while he feels smug and justified. Tonight, I don't have the energy. I refuse to back down. My whole marriage has been like this.
Tomorrow I will no doubt tell him I'm sorry again. I'll get a flurry of email essays and texts in work and demands to talk at home. I don't want to fucking talk anymore.