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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend has performance anxiety

53 replies

butterfly5291 · 06/02/2019 21:13

Hello,
This is my first post on here so I apologise if I don't use the right abbreviations!

My boyfriend is suffering from severe sexual performance anxiety and I don't know how to help him anymore.
We have been together for 5 months and only had sex once, we have discussed it at length most weeks.
It started because I said I didnt orgasm from intercourse, so he said he felt he wasn't doing his "job" because he loves to please. I have tried showing him articles that show it is very common for women not to orgasm from penetrative sex and orgasm is the only goal from sex.
It has developed to him not wanting to do anything sexual because he feels too much pressure to be able to perform. We dont even kiss more than a peck.
He doesn't get fully hard even when masturbating, he said he had got used to doing that (he's been single for about 7 years, just the odd nights here and there). He has even stopped masturbating and watching porn in the hope it would make him more horny around me.
I have tried sexy underwear and it made no difference except destroying my self confidence.
He doesn't want to go the Dr because he is too embarrassed. He has some viagra but is too scared to take it in case it doesn't work.

I have thought about buying him some supplements that are meant to increase your libido and make you feel harder. Does anyone have any experience of these and can recommend any?

I suffer from anxiety myself and have given him some of my techniques to over come including CBT, but I don't know if this is even helpful.

We want to stay together and get married and have family but if we can't overcome this how can that be possible?!

Can anyone offer and advice or support?

Thanks

OP posts:

Scott72 · 06/02/2019 22:58

Encourage him to try the viagra. But if this persists you may have to consider breaking up with him. Supplements are mostly bunk unfortunately, you'd be wasting your money.

Bluezoo123 · 06/02/2019 23:01

Just wanted to correct you that it didn’t ‘start because you said you didn’t orgasm from intercourse’ it is clearly an issue with him,not you. After 5 months and intercourse only once I would seriously reconsider the relationship - unless you’re happy to remain celibate or he is willing to go to the gp with you to try and rectify the problem.

ErickBroch · 06/02/2019 23:05

OMG please, please end this.

I put up with a relationship for two years where he couldn't ever keep an erection, it was shit and he made me feel like it was my fault. Just awful.

You need to call it a day if having a sex life is important to you, the fact you don't kiss more than a peck screams something is wrong.

Mommaof2x · 06/02/2019 23:07

5 months in should be more exciting and he should be making you feel good about yourself not reducing your confidence.

Are you sure he’s into girls? Collie could there be things that happened in his childhood to cause this?

Can you really be bothered to take inbtgus baggage?

twominfromthebeach · 06/02/2019 23:13

5 months into a new relationship and sex only once?

For your own happiness and self esteem, you must leave him.

MumsyJ · 06/02/2019 23:16

I agree with above PP he's had the problem before you came along. He needs to stop the blame game and either take the viagra or see a doctor, there's no shame in the game.

Did you feel something wasn't right the first time you had sex? 5 months and you're seeing the signs, I'd walk as sex is very important in a relationship ( to me that is).

So OP, you decide as he is refusing all the proposed options you've given. Let him point those accusing fingers elsewhere .

NotTheFordType · 06/02/2019 23:41

So how do you achieve orgasm (I'd assume oral and/or vibrator?) and have you told him how to help you orgasm? Has he done so?

sollyfromsurrey · 07/02/2019 00:00

If he's not even feeling horny or wanting to kiss you the. It's not performance anxiety. Could he be in the closet gay?

sollyfromsurrey · 07/02/2019 00:01

Does he have any emotional trauma from his past?

Scott72 · 07/02/2019 00:20

I think OP you meant to say "orgasm is not the only goal of sex". Anyhow on reading your post again, he's unfairly blaming you for his problems. One off hand comment should not be enough to cause this. His problems were there before he met you.

Probably he's got some combination of depression, low libido and touch aversion. He doesn't even like kissing you because this makes him anxious apparently. If being gay were his main problem this wouldn't be an issue. Break up with him. He may make a good platonic friend, but is unsuitable as a romantic partner.

Bluezoo123 · 07/02/2019 01:50

Btw I fear that this may become me posting this (well similar) in 3 months time if I carry on as I am with current partner,so watching with interest...

pissedonatrain · 07/02/2019 02:25

Has sexual issues but refuses to get professional help but blames you instead. Life is too short to put up with this nonsense. You're just not compatible.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2019 02:29

Jesus Fucking Christ. GET OUT NOW. You can't help him. Get out before he drags you completely down into the rabbit hole.

Frainbreeze · 07/02/2019 03:41

5 months into a new relationship and sex only once?

For your own happiness and self esteem, you must leave him.*

Agree. If he cared he'd take the viagra. Does he make you orgasm in other ways @butterfly5291 ?

Original poster

butterfly5291 · 07/02/2019 21:30

I was hoping for more supportive answers than just leave him! I obviously don't want to leave him or give up on him and our relationship.

Have any of you suffered from anxiety? Do you know how crippling it can be?

OP posts:

Gardai · 07/02/2019 21:34

What can be offered in the way of advice OP ? People are just saying it doesn’t bode well. If you don’t mind a sexless relationship then crack on.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 07/02/2019 21:42

Perhaps he watched excessive amounts of porn and got used to the ‘death grip’ he used when he masturbated. There have been lots of similar stories on here.
This is not your fault and sounds like he has an old problem and not nice that he’s trying to palm it off on you!
If he is not willing to get help them what are you supposed to go about it? You can’t fix him and unfortunately I would say that if you are not snogging each other’s faces off in the first five months then this is a dead dodo.
This is meant to be the fun bit!

Haffiana · 07/02/2019 21:43

Are you the sort of person who gets a kick out of helping others, OP?

Are you proposing to spend the rest of your life attempting to 'cure' his anxiety with 'love'?

Perhaps if you dumped him it might be just the kick in the arse he needs to go to the doctor and get himself treated. Then perhaps you can meet again and start over on the basis that you are two adults who can each take half the responsibility for their relationship.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 07/02/2019 21:47

was hoping for more supportive answers than just leave him! I obviously don't want to leave him or give up on him and our relationship. Have any of you suffered from anxiety? Do you know how crippling it can be?. Yes I've suffered anxiety and so does my DH.

No, this doesn't stop us fucking and when we have been suffering with anxiety we've sought professional help and we both do things everyday to reduce anxiety and maintain good mental health.

People are being supportive. You have either a partner who's just not that into you or has problems that he's unwilling to take responsibility for and seek the help he needs.

Either way, it's not looking good for you.

Stardustinmyeyes · 07/02/2019 21:59

Oh dear op it's a bit soon to get pissed off with the responses you have had.
Wait a bit longer, you might get some more interesting answers.

LordNibbler · 07/02/2019 22:02

Look, your boyfriend does not want to have sex with you. It's as simple as that. If he cared, or even wanted to sort it out he'd either use the viagra or see the GP. He doesn't seem to want any other intimacy either it seems. People here aren't being unhelpful or unsupportive, we've just seen a lot of life, experienced a lot first hand and are trying to help you see the obvious. You cannot help someone who won't help themselves. You cannot rescue him with love and patience. Sadly I fear you will not take any notice of the kind advice offered here and you will stay with him hoping for it to all get better.
Please don't waste years of your life on this. But whatever you do decide to do, good luck

Zwischenwasser · 07/02/2019 22:20

lordnibbler has it

You cannot fix him. Look at what he does, not at what he says....

He won’t take viagra, won’t see a doctor. He’s showing you in letters a mile high. Sex with you isn’t important to him. This is who he is. No matter what he says. Maybe it’s you, or maybe he just isn’t into sex at all. But either way you should only stay if you are prepared for a sexless relationship.

JemAppelleLafayette · 07/02/2019 22:23

I think if he was making an effort sexually in other ways people would be more lenient, butterfly, but not much more than a peck at five months .

How old is he?

PookieDo · 07/02/2019 22:27

You are the one who wants sex it doesn’t sound like he does
And he’s found a way to get out of it by blaming you!
If he did want to he would be trying to do something to change things

Original poster

butterfly5291 · 07/02/2019 22:56

I think a lot of what you are saying is right.
Its just not as easy as deciding to leave him...we've booked a holiday...we're talking about where we're going to live...he's from London and I'm from Liverpool.
Everything else is amazing...he's the first guy that has actually treated me right.

He isn't blaming me at all either...he said because he wanted to please me is what he thinks started his anxiety off but it is clearly more deep rooted.

OP posts:

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