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Original poster

Boyfriend has performance anxiety

53 replies

butterfly5291 · 06/02/2019 21:13

Hello,
This is my first post on here so I apologise if I don't use the right abbreviations!

My boyfriend is suffering from severe sexual performance anxiety and I don't know how to help him anymore.
We have been together for 5 months and only had sex once, we have discussed it at length most weeks.
It started because I said I didnt orgasm from intercourse, so he said he felt he wasn't doing his "job" because he loves to please. I have tried showing him articles that show it is very common for women not to orgasm from penetrative sex and orgasm is the only goal from sex.
It has developed to him not wanting to do anything sexual because he feels too much pressure to be able to perform. We dont even kiss more than a peck.
He doesn't get fully hard even when masturbating, he said he had got used to doing that (he's been single for about 7 years, just the odd nights here and there). He has even stopped masturbating and watching porn in the hope it would make him more horny around me.
I have tried sexy underwear and it made no difference except destroying my self confidence.
He doesn't want to go the Dr because he is too embarrassed. He has some viagra but is too scared to take it in case it doesn't work.

I have thought about buying him some supplements that are meant to increase your libido and make you feel harder. Does anyone have any experience of these and can recommend any?

I suffer from anxiety myself and have given him some of my techniques to over come including CBT, but I don't know if this is even helpful.

We want to stay together and get married and have family but if we can't overcome this how can that be possible?!

Can anyone offer and advice or support?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
butterfly5291 · 07/02/2019 22:58

Turned 34 today.

We went through a phase of just doing foreplay but he said he hates doing that now because it just makes him feel like a failure for it not leading to sex.

OP posts:
RoseOfSharyn · 07/02/2019 23:13

OP i have had 'death grip bf' and 'anxiety bf'. I also have a close friend who is asexual.

Death grip and anxiety guy both took productive steps to change (no porn/wanking, gp visits, counselling etc) because they WANTED sex and WANTED an improvement. Asexual friend is happy to never have sex again and dates people for emotional intimacy. He can't even bring himself to kiss people either.

I think your needs are incompatible and I'd cut my losses if i were you. Sorry.

Parthenope · 07/02/2019 23:20

It’s already destroying your self-confidence, and he doesn’t want to change enough to do anything about a key element of your relationship. What does it say about your lack of self-esteem that you’re planning to marry this person, having had sex once, and presumably trekking about between London and Liverpool.

OP, don’t marry someone who, for whatever reason, doesn’t want to have sex with you. You are storing up misery.

Haffiana · 07/02/2019 23:56

He wants to please you and he feels like a failure, but not enough to actually do anything about it. He wants to please you but he is not going to actually try to please you. He loves you but he doesn't actually care about what that means for you. He loves you but he cannot be honest with you. He loves you but he isn't concerned about whether you are happy. He loves you and he talks the talk, but he won't actually walk one inch in the direction of being an equal partner.

If this wasn't about sex you would see what this actually meant.

OP, there is no 'we' in your relationship. He isn't 'treating you right'. It is OK for him to not want sex or indeed any physical contact but it is really, really not OK to not be honest with you about that. You cannot spend your life hoping that something you can do will change his asexuality, or dysfunction.

Whatever the cause it is so grossly unloving and selfish of him to allow you to carry on hoping and trying. He is watching you trying to heal him and getting anxious and losing your self esteem because you think it is your fault and he is perfectly OK with that. He is lying to you because he doesn't want/can't have sex with you and he cannot stand to even kiss you, but he won't tell you that so that you can decide for yourself about whether you want that sad, bleak future.

Could you do that to someone you supposedly loved - lie to them for your own selfish purposes?

MidnightMystery · 08/02/2019 00:30

34, OP I don't think he wants a sexual relationship with you if he did he'd try anything possible. How can someone be scared to take viagra in fear of it not working? It seems he knows it will work therefore he won't try it.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 08/02/2019 01:35

He's wanked himself senseless through porn too much.

He's essentially useless to actual women now.

rvby · 08/02/2019 01:56

OP if hes not taking steps to improve his condition himself, then I'm really sorry but you can't help him.

Hes actually making it really clear to you via his actions that he's not that interested in your enjoyment or pleasure. His primary relationship sounds like its with himself and his anxieties.

Donmesswime · 08/02/2019 02:04

If a guy showed me articles on how he liked to orgasm, I'd tell him to fuck off frankly.

Frainbreeze · 08/02/2019 06:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Namenic · 08/02/2019 06:10

See gp. Would be good to rule out medical causes.

PookieDo · 08/02/2019 06:16

Yes i have anxiety.
I also have traumatic sexual experiences (rape and assault) but yet in a relationship I would still want to have sex.

To not have sex or ANY sexual contact is a platonic relationship. If you want a platonic Male companion then stay with him and go on your booked holiday.

There is nothing wrong with a. Wanting to have sex and the bonding it brings or b. Being open you don’t want sex with a partner and accepting who you are and Being honest

Personally from experience your BF is not being honest. This will be a deep long term problem that he pretends is partly down to his partner. He’s lovely in other ways so he manages to ‘get away’ with a lack of any sexual contact and appears to have no intention of changing. He’s put up barriers to every solution

If you want an intimate partner then this is not the man for you. If you want a nice platonic friend then by all means stay with him. But you can’t make someone change if they don’t want to

QueenOfCatan · 08/02/2019 06:23

Like other posters, I spent 2 years with somebody with "performance anxiety", I thought I could help him get over it with time and patience. It destroyed my self esteem and eventually our relationship as he refused to get help. He had many excuses and "I like to please" was one of them. Your new partner needs to seek professional help, you cannot help him unless he wants to help yourself and in the meantime you are already starting to feel inadequate and like it's because of you, so it or already eating at your self worth and self esteem. It is not worth it.

PookieDo · 08/02/2019 06:25

From your own post this is what I see when I read it

We have been together for 5 months and only had sex once, we have discussed it at length most weeks.
It started because I said I didnt orgasm from intercourse, so he said he felt he wasn't doing his "job" because he loves to please.

He only had sex with you once. He found this so scary/overwhelming/unsexual that he cannot do this again. He doesn’t understand or want to understand about female anatomy or female pleasure because if he did, he would gladly enjoy pleasuring you without penetration

We dont even kiss more than a peck.

This really concerns me. You have literally no physical intimacy together AT ALL

he doesn’t get fully hard when masturbating

Unless you have watched him do it, you don’t know whether this is true or not. Or if it is, it’s been going on for SEVEN YEARS and he’s done... nothing about it. Except he keeps trying to find a girlfriend? Those things don’t seem honest to me

he won’t go to the doctor

But you are trying to find him a supplement. Don’t waste your time. He’s made it really clear for 7 years he isn’t going to deal with this. You can’t force him to

we have booked a holiday/can’t break up

You can. Or you can stay sexless. I think that’s pretty much your only 2 options unless he takes some action by himself

SnappedandFartedagain · 08/02/2019 08:52

He IS blaming you - he lied and said this started when you said you hadn’t had an orgasm. Most men would take this as an enjoyable challenge. No, this started a long time ago and will continue until it completely destroys your self esteem and permeates every part of your life, however nice he attempts to be in other areas. Sex shouldn’t be this difficult and stressful after five months.

Please leave this guy - I’m saying this as someone who wasted far too long on someone similar and it nearly destroyed me. You deserve better.

Variousartists · 08/02/2019 09:54

You must be mad. Honestly it will be a half life.

And don’t bother with supplements or high quality toys Confused the bloke’s not interested.

Los77 · 08/02/2019 10:15

my husband had performance issues and ED and after I gave birth to our DS, he stopped wanting sex. First it was the excuses of being tired/work/new baby etc. NINE years later, we still haven't had sex. We sleep in the same bed, don't even touch, kiss or cuddles. It kills me. Recently I found out that he had been texting someone from work and then deleting the texts. He obviously lied about it, then said that it was nothing sexual but the OW made him feel good about himself...fast forward to today, he 'regrets' everything and wants to make things work but still hasnt touched me as he 'doesn't want to rush things, it will happen gradually' ..am still with him because of my DS, but seriously thinking about leaving now. I am giving him 6 months to get his act together...in the meantime sorting out my finances etc...My point is be very careful as now I regret that I didn't leave 9 years ago. Good luck xx

Original poster
butterfly5291 · 08/02/2019 20:02

He is coming round after work tonight but not until 11.30
I'm going to try and have a "romantic" evening and if he rejects it going to have a serious discussion with him about it all.
I wish I had never started this thread but I know you are right and I can't carry on

OP posts:
Parthenope · 08/02/2019 20:12

I'm going to try and have a "romantic" evening and if he rejects it going to have a serious discussion with him about it all

Oh, OP, you know he's going to reject it. Why put yourself through it again? Sad

Your self-esteem is already in shreds, and five months in, you've already taken it on as your problem to solve, and are clucking about researching libido supplements and coaching him in CBT techniques. You can't solve this if he's determined not to, and has the astonishing arrogance to expect you to put up with his total lack of sexual interest in you, but still marry him and have his children.

Haffiana · 08/02/2019 20:29

Just make sure your serious discussion is not all about him. Don't fall into the role of analysing it all for him. You need to know what YOU want first and foremost, otherwise it will all slide away into deferred lalaland of him excusing and promising or blaming.

You need to tell him:
Intimacy and touching are fundamentally important to me.
I need physical affection.
I need the closeness that sex brings, not just when we are having it but the after-effect in a relationship.
I want to be held and hugged and kissed because I am loved quite apart from sex.
I want a partner who has my interests at heart as I would have his.
I don't want to end up in a relationship with someone I only have a friendship with.

Personally I would guess that he is going to tell you that he is having some sort of breakdown/episode/suicidal thoughts about it all (perhaps even with tales of past terrible wrongs and abuses to him etc), because he needs you back in the fixing him role which will leave him free to carry on as before.

Anyway, good luck OP.

RoseOfSharyn · 08/02/2019 20:36

OP you are a glutton for punishment.

For whatever reason he DOESN'T WANT SEX.

I bet tonight's excuse will be tiredness. After all, who wouldn't be tired at 11:30 after a shift at work?!

You need to realise you can't fix something that's not broken. And he is not broken. He is just how he is.

He may be an amazing person who you can be lifelong friends with, but as romantic partners you're seriously not right for each other.

RoseOfSharyn · 08/02/2019 20:44

I'm also interested to know his suggested method of conception , since he wants to marry you and 'have a family'.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 08/02/2019 21:08

He is coming round after work tonight but not until 11.30I'm going to try and have a "romantic" evening and if he rejects it going to have a serious discussion with him about it all.

Please don't OP. Text him now and say you've changed your mind and you're going to have an early night. Having him coming around so late only to try to seduce a man who clearly isn't interested is going to be humiliating.

Ask to meet him tomorrow instead in the day and tell him it's viagra, the GP or the single life Smile

iromaiden666 · 08/02/2019 21:09

my partner also suffers from performance anxiety, i realise that i am partially to blame for that, i went off sex for several years and he found it very hard, so i know he saught his pleasure from masturbating to porn, then one night i said to him i want to make love, the foreplay was great and he got quite hard, but when it came to penetration as soon as he entered me it started going soft, he told me that after not doing it for so long he felt under pressure to perform as he didnt know when we would try again, he also blamed it on the death grip, and is now blaming himself for watching to much porn, as it happens i have not been in the mood since that occasion, and he now says it doesnt matter anymore because he"s rubbish at sex anyway. what i would say to the op is that there are so many people on mumsnet whose answer to everything is leave him, if someone created a post saying he eats his cornflakes with the wrong spoon i bet it would get loads of replys saying leave him. i come from an era when couples tried to work out their problems, and leaving was a last resort.

Original poster
butterfly5291 · 08/02/2019 21:10

He is not totally deluded he knows we can't go on like this.
He knows we will have to split up if this doesn't get fixed.
He said he will go see a therapist but as far as i know still not booked an appointment.

OP posts:
Variousartists · 08/02/2019 21:11

You say in your op you have discussed it at length most weeks. What’s the point in doing it again tonight after you attempt a ‘romantic evening?’ You’re setting yourself up, and him for that matter.