Met someone. Getting over excited. Need some gentle MN wisdom

[colouringinpro]

Hi. So, nervous post. I've been separated from my OH for two years. We were married for 20, but he was finally diagnosed with bipolar after 10 awful years and I simply couldn't do it any longer. We co-parent well, we have a dd with ASD and ds currently suffering very much with mental illness. Things are really tough. I'm pretty burnt out despite good family and friends and I'm aware I'm vulnerable to someone being kind to me.

So, have bumped into the brother of an old friend a couple of times recently (at funerals!) who I'd not really noticed before. Anyhow he was really kind and funny and I enjoyed spending time with him.

Killer is, he's married, so i should walk away. He and his wife live separate lives in the same house. Have done for many years. I know this is a red flag. Last time I was chatting to him and his sister she commented she hadn't seen [His wife] for ages. Anyhow I know this is potentially messy. I'm not an idiot.

So this guy wants to be a friend to me. He's offered to take me to a seminar day related to my ds' illness as its likely to be hard going.

I do trust him, I do generally have very good radar/instincts. His brother and sister are sound.

He says he knows it's complicated, but just wants to be friends as we don't really know each other very much. I enjoy spending time with him, he's warm and makes me laugh.

So.

Go for it. You only live once.

Please back away. (I might be being harsh here and prob not the best for giving advice)

But I just went through a similar thing. Convinced me he was separated, swore on his kids life. Months later, yes his wife wasn't aware they were separated.

Are you sure they’re definitely separated?

If so then why not unless you’re trying to fool yourself and you already have feelings for him? No harm in spending time together and being friends if it really is only that. If you think you want more or are going to want more best to have that conversation sooner rather than when it’s Really complicated.

The line about leading a separate life to his wife is trotted out often by cheaters and is usually bullshit.

I'm 90% sure they are. But no, I can't be 100% certain. They are living in the same house and live their own lives. They have two daughters in 20s who probably don't know though. Realistically.

I would like to get to know him better, he's a familiar face at the moment.

I have a tendency to over think (just interested cos lonely, burnt out?) But haven't been even remotely interested in getting to know anyone else before this.

Let him know you look forward to hearing from him once he's moved out and started divorce proceedings.

Run it by the his wife..,,,,,
Or run the other way ....,fast.

Yeah I realise that oyster hence my dilemma

Hear what you're saying bombardier, robin

Is it ever true?!

illuminati

No, don’t do it.
Maybe I’m jaded but I agree, his wife probably isn’t aware that they’re leading seperate lives. It’s the same old story.
Why make your life more complicated - you sound lovely, you’ll meet someone else lovely, and importantly, unattached.

Thanks theblues I am aware I'm totally terrified of doing anything like OLD....

I'd bet my last pound he's not separated. 2 grown up daughters who don't know their parents are living separate lives? Yeah right. Men can spot a vulnerable woman a mile off and hone in on them with the separated, same home, different lives still in the same bed, having sex, family events and days out together she doesn't understand me.

I ended up marrying the (abusive in every way possible) excuse for a man that was the first person to be kind, make me laugh, paid me attention when I was vulnerable and lonely. Be very very careful.

Obviously I divorced him.

I Hear you perverse. Glad you got out of that.

Him and his brother are longstanding (decades) friend's of my ex's older brother, so more confident he's not a total git, but complicated...

Anyhow I am taking on board people's comments.

It's such a new thing for me, and after such a long time...

Don't want to mess up anyone's lives.

Why do you trust him when you don't know him?
Bless, he wants to be your 'friend'. He is a walking cliche, and a truckload of potential drama.

Is leading separate lives the same as separated? When are they getting divorced? Why would he take you to a seminar? What’s in it for him? All sounds odd to me.

Fingers crossed I'm the exception to the rule because my DP is separated from his wife and they're still living together. I've met his daughter, his mum, best friend, and his wife's best friend knows me and knows we're together. So, it is possible that he is telling the truth. Having said that, my relationship is tricky because of it.

But - he has said he just wants to be friends, hasn't he? Are you sure he is interested?
If so - go for it!

Gosh - I missed out a vital - and his wife knows about me! Fairly crucial point there.

Yes various what's in it for him. Good question.

Wow romantic amazing but tricky!

Yeah I can see me getting attached, but ultimately his situation doesn't change.

"I like talking to you and I loved seeing you. It is complicated and I don't want to cause you or anyone any stress or pain. I would like to be someone you can be comfortable with and can talk to. We are still getting to know each other and we need time for our friendship to develop."

Friends don't talk to each other like that. It's not friendship he wants at all.

Its so hard. I've lived with Bipolar man, depressed, manic probably also ASD. Hard to know what's "normal"

Friendship?! Does his wife know?

Beware over friendly helpful men who offer you friendship. Always a way in for them and never genuine ime. Plus you start to feel indebted towards them.

Blatant trying to get into your knickers. Amazed you kept a straight face when he came out with load of tripe. Call his bluff, offer to call at his house with his wife there. If you are 'just friends' he wont have a problem with that, surely?