Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Met someone. Getting over excited. Need some gentle MN wisdom

57 replies

colouringinpro · 06/02/2019 20:16

Hi. So, nervous post. I've been separated from my OH for two years. We were married for 20, but he was finally diagnosed with bipolar after 10 awful years and I simply couldn't do it any longer. We co-parent well, we have a dd with ASD and ds currently suffering very much with mental illness. Things are really tough. I'm pretty burnt out despite good family and friends and I'm aware I'm vulnerable to someone being kind to me.

So, have bumped into the brother of an old friend a couple of times recently (at funerals!) who I'd not really noticed before. Anyhow he was really kind and funny and I enjoyed spending time with him.

Killer is, he's married, so i should walk away. He and his wife live separate lives in the same house. Have done for many years. I know this is a red flag. Last time I was chatting to him and his sister she commented she hadn't seen [His wife] for ages. Anyhow I know this is potentially messy. I'm not an idiot.

So this guy wants to be a friend to me. He's offered to take me to a seminar day related to my ds' illness as its likely to be hard going.

I do trust him, I do generally have very good radar/instincts. His brother and sister are sound.

He says he knows it's complicated, but just wants to be friends as we don't really know each other very much. I enjoy spending time with him, he's warm and makes me laugh.

So.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringinpro · 06/02/2019 21:22

Was a message ruddy Sad

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 06/02/2019 21:23

Ruddy said exactly what I was going to say, I just wasn't as blunt Grin

Variousartists · 06/02/2019 21:27

If he says it’s complicated it is. Take him at his word and run a mile.

Original poster
colouringinpro · 06/02/2019 21:28

Thanks perverse

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringinpro · 06/02/2019 21:29

I guess I'm more lonely and craving affection than I realised Confused

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 06/02/2019 21:32

Attention and kindness when you are vulnerable and lonely are a very dangerous thing. It's very seductive. Stay strong. Walk away. Don't be part of the complicated mess. You deserve better Thanks

ReturnofSaturn · 06/02/2019 21:34

What a load of old guff. He's playing you.

Original poster
colouringinpro · 06/02/2019 21:34

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringinpro · 06/02/2019 21:35

Perverse

OP posts:
carrotflinger · 06/02/2019 21:55

Don't believe it.
To me, separated means two people living in separate homes, while waiting to divorce. Not two people living in the same house.
It's a load of bollocks.

Ah... just re-read it - not even separated, they are living "separate lives" - whatever that is supposed to mean.
I think my ex was saying this sort of thing to women he was trying to chat up towards the end of our relationship. We weren't living separate lives - we were very much together and having sex.

As someone else said, tell him to get in touch again when he has moved out.
I couldn't cope with being in a relationship with someone who claimed to be separated but was living in the same house as his wife because I'd be constantly wondering what he was up to and if they were having sex.

Find yourself some bloke who is properly separated or divorced or single.

Original poster
colouringinpro · 07/02/2019 00:20

I've shut it down.

OP posts:
pissedonatrain · 07/02/2019 00:54

Lol yeah, that old we're separated, living different lives,

Gee but the wife is the last person to know.

My stbxh was online trolling for women telling them we'd been separated for years, and I was this mean cold controlling witch who made him sleep on the sofa.

He forgot to mention the part about catching him online sexting with someone. Gee how dare I get upset over something so trivial and what a whacko I was for snooping in his private business! hahahaha

He slept on the sofa for a week. The poor poor mistreated dear.

He even tried to tell these women I was stalking him! Yeah right when he was living in my blasted house!

And the sad part is so many believe this bs.

So yeah, anytime I hear that bs, I ask, does your wife know?

If it's true and they are in the same house, then there should be no issue with you having a 2 minute chat with her.

And don't assume familiarity because they've lived in the same area, was a brother's old friend from uni, or something like that. You have no idea who the person is and how they are in relationships. You know the good guy that everyone likes but is a monster to his family at home.

2018anewstart · 07/02/2019 01:18

Stay clear until he has left his marriage I bet his wife doesn't consider themselves separated.

Original poster
colouringinpro · 07/02/2019 11:19

Yes pissed on I totally agree with the don't assume cos of familiarity thing. Everyone told me how lovely my dh was. Because he totally masked his severe mental illness when he was out of the house.

But I do have good instincts, always have. Hey ho.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringinpro · 07/02/2019 11:20

Yes 2018 I basically told him to call me when he's single.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringinpro · 07/02/2019 11:38

Peverse seductive is exactly the word. Massively.

I haven't been in touch today.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringinpro · 07/02/2019 16:52

It's already messed with my head.

OP posts:
lifegoes · 07/02/2019 16:57

Don't let this knock you.

Just gone through something similar and I believed him. You knew something wasn't right really and you've ensured he knows where you stand.

Nonetheless · 07/02/2019 17:01

I wasted 3 years on someone who was married and lied to me about it. His brother was involved on the lie, his friends, even her stepdad lied for him!! I will never in my life comprehend the lengths he went to to prove him and his wife were separated. Three years of my life filled with promises of a future he knew he could never give me. I would walk away now and not even bother if I were you, find someone who's definitely single Flowers

Nonetheless · 07/02/2019 17:02

Oops sorry, missed the 2nd page! Blush

PolkaDoting · 07/02/2019 17:13

That’s great. If he never calls you you know it wasn’t a long term prospect anyway. If he does you have established that you are someone with good boundaries and high self esteem.

DaisyBD · 07/02/2019 17:23

I fell for this baloney and ended up with seven years of mess and hideous pain for all involved (including his now ex-wife and son, something I will always regret). Like everyone else says, run a mile. You may meet someone lovely, you may not, but if you do it will be clear as day that this one isn't the right one. Good luck, you sound lovely and you've had a rough time. Take care to look after yourself, including valuing yourself enough to put up with this kind of bullshit.

PerverseConverse · 07/02/2019 17:50

Good for you OP! Onwards, upwards and fuckwittless. It's the future Smile

lifegoes · 07/02/2019 19:22

Wow how many men tell the same lie about being separated .

fuddle · 08/02/2019 13:46

I would say try and find out some more about him and his situation. It maybe that he didn't realise how awful things were until meeting you.
Just be careful that you don't get hurt and that he isn't using you. Life is too short though and each situation is different.