Why are so many men jealous, possessive and controlling?

[merville]

Obviously some women are too but from anecdotal evidence & life experience, significantly more men than women seem to be excessively jealous, possessive and controlling.

Why do you think this is?

Obviously insecurity is a factor but most of us, including women, can be insecure to some extent; why does it seem to manifest itself in possessive, controlling behaviour to such an extent in men?

Is it an extreme form of mate guarding? (And the fact that makes might've been more likely to secure their mating 'rights' through aggression and intimidation than females)?

Is it that many men think on a more basic, level than women (so my dp says : you can never underestimate how simple and base we can be)?

Do you think these men can ever truly overcome (if they wanted to, which they don't seem to since they think they're on the right)?

*males

*in the right

Not to be argumentative but I have found quite the opposite to be true in my life experience. Maybe it depends who you surround yourself with 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think "so many" men are, but more that we don't talk about the non controlling etc ones because it's not very interesting.

Also wanted to add that it's interesting to see that in some countries where men have a huge amount of control, they create societies that are like a huge scale version of the relationship that a controlling, jealous man aims for eg women are not allowed any unsupervised contact with the opposite sex, they are essentially gilded cage prisoners.

There was an article on Monday in the dreaded DM about financially abusive men who control the money absolutely and don't let their dw have any sparemoney for a coffee, a magazine, sanitarywear. She can't go out with her gfs because he won't let her have the money. He may have a fabulous salary but she's just a bird in a cage. Why? How can he get any satisfaction from that?

Not to be argumentative but I have found quite the opposite to be true in my life experience. Maybe it depends who you surround yourself with

I'm being very honest & genuine when I say I find that truly surprising.

As to it depending on who you surround yourself with; I've lived all over the world, studied extensively, mixed with all sorts of people from different backgrounds, 'classes', education levels, cultures etc etc and quite honestly through friends, acquaintances, family members, work colleagues, you name it; it seems to be almost exclusively women (hetero I mean obviously) who suffer controlling, jealous, possessive partners.

I don't think "so many" men are, but more that we don't talk about the non controlling etc ones because it's not very interesting.

Definitely could be a factor.

Could also be a factor that men are less likely to talk about it if they have a controlling, jealous (female) partner (and were less likely to become aware of it due to violence etc.

There was an article on Monday in the dreaded DM about financially abusive men who control the money absolutely and don't let their dw have any sparemoney for a coffee, a magazine, sanitarywear. She can't go out with her gfs because he won't let her have the money. He may have a fabulous salary but she's just a bird in a cage. Why? How can he get any satisfaction from that?

Is it about making sure she can't leave him (or have any unsupervised life without him)?

To be honest I haven’t seen a lot of jealousy or controlling behaviour in real life amongst my peers or people I know. So there is no significant gender difference in my experience.

MN posts are a whole different ballgame but it’s the internet and can’t be given to much credibility. I couldn’t make a judgement or form opinions based on unverified, skewed and often unreliable stories.

I would say control and possessiveness can be dressed up as other things. I am quite taken back at the amount of people on here who limit their loved ones social interaction with the opposite sex based on the risk they might cheat. Never mind the phone snooping etc. Not judging but I couldn’t live like that and I wouldn’t want to be treated that way. That is low level controlling to me. But each to their own.

Of the many men I know my life, I can think of only one that somewhat fits this description (to the best of my knowledge).

I have a daughter. I am determined to help her become as strong and independent as she can be. I want to help her become an adult who can support herself financially, has high self esteem and doesn't tolerate being treated poorly.

I do not want my daughter to ever be in a situation where she is vulnerable to being abused or dependent on anyone (male or female). I think being like this helps to deter abusers. Never 100% of course, but abusers seem to have an ability to target the vulnerable woman, and I don't want that to be my daughter.

It'll - are you including all your relatives, friends, work colleagues, course colleagues and acquaintances' relationships past and present (because I can think of 7 off the top of my head). And I haven't even included marriages & relationships I've known in West Africa and the middle East because the cultures are so different that what we'd consider controlling, may be a norm.

O also haven't included relationship forums (though posters will argue they're not representative and theres definitely a point there).
Then there's the guidance and information the government apparently feels it has to give to young people (with the warnings about control and abuse seemingly mostly aimed at young women).

The ones I have known have often had fathers who have been jealous, possessive and violent so I suppose haven't seen a 'normal' and healthy relationship growing up. They've also been poorly educated although I'm not saying that more educated people don't act like this. The ones I've known have poor relationships with others, no real friends, dysfunctional families and are very narrow minded. They are probably very insecure to need to exert power over a partner.

I'm not victim blaming at all but women need to stop making excuses for behaviour like this from male partners. Excusing it means they can do it again and again and lose nothing. Often the signs are there quite early on in a relationship. My mother ignored things early in her relationship with my father like him not liking her friends, making her feel guilty if she went out, questioning her about everyone she had spoken to throughout the day, criticising the way she looked. 40 years later she has no friends, has to be in the house by a certain time, can't buy anything without his permission, has suffered violence and let him be violent to her children. She has now lost me and her grandchildren as it caused so many issues and has a strained relationship with her other child.

My partner is completely the opposite and I choose to not have people like that around me. It means I don't have a lot of family but I'd rather that than have my children having that kind of influence in their life.

Yeah, I'm including the lot. Obviously I am not privy to the goings-on of the relationships of the majority of them. You only get an impression. Ya know, chatting in the pub or at work. But honestly, I can only think of the one. He really is a twat. It's not like I think they're all lovely - some I seriously dislike - just don't see them being jealous/controlling.

@CatsPawsAndWhiskers

You have uncannily described the jealous, controlling, possessive man I personally had a failed relationship with.

(Though I'm guessing about his father/parents).

They are probably very insecure to need to exert power over a partner.

It definitely seems to be down to.insecurity and a need to control - I wonder what it's about these people (and I include the women) though that causes them to be so jealous and controlling compared to all of us with our insurance; excessive insecurity? Inability to regulate emotions? Compulsive, impulsive? Some kind of personality disorder?

• with our insecurity (not our insurance )

@CatsPawsAndWhiskers

Also, sorry to hear about the damage your father's behaviour had done to your family

merville

Im sorry that you've experienced that but very glad that the relationship failed. It is no way to live.

I remember pleading with my mum to leave from when I was about 13. It was depressing and so miserable to live in, always being nervous as to what mood he was in. I remember when I met my partner, being in total shock at just how equal and good our relationship was. I would never have put up with someone like my dad but I didn't really know such good men existed, which sounds silly now, but when I had only really seen my parents relationship and some other relatives relationships which were similar, you just don't know that there are people living happy lives as equals.

Cats

It failed for various reasons but that was definitely a big one. It was stressful but nothing compared to what some posters on here have suffered in relationships.

Was never going to work as I had to either compromise/give in or fight about it every whuppabout - I was never going to give in and I got sick of fighting about it. I was lucky in that my parents relationship was a good example, in that regard anyway.

I'm so glad you met a good partner for a healthy relationship.

I have wondered if social media is fueling the rise. That your partner has more access to more people, flirting etc.

I have to say, having been in a controlling and abusive relationship, that I know many women who are controlling but perhaps at more low level and obvious degree.

When I have had friends leave controlling relationships with men, it's often been a surprise. It's been well hidden and knowing the men it's spurring that they have been so awful.

With the women I know who have been controlling they seem more upfront and almost proud of it. Admitting they go through their partners phone without their knowledge, then on find a friend, spend time Facebook stalking their boyfriends or his ex's. Many of these have no reason to suspect anything untoward but do it anyway. Banning socialising if they aren't with them.

I have a friend who insists her boyfriend has his hair cut in a particular way. This is all public. They aren't embarssed by saying it in front of people.

Where when men do the same they do it in private.

I can't tell if numbers are rising or we just hear about it more as people more readily admit they are being abused.

Also, sorry to hear about the damage your father's behaviour had done to your family

Thank you. I wish I had a good family but the next best thing I can do is just make sure that my children never feel that they have to put up with behaviour like that from a partner when they are older. My life is good now and my partner is lovely.

I wonder what it's about these people (and I include the women) though that causes them to be so jealous and controlling compared to all of us with our insurance; excessive insecurity? Inability to regulate emotions? Compulsive, impulsive? Some kind of personality disorder?

It's difficult to say. My fathers family are very dysfunctional. His parents were very bad parents, selfish and didn't send their kids to school regularly. They didn't show their children any affection and never listened to their opinions. I think with my father, he was never made to feel important growing up so he made himself the most important person in our house, in the only way he knew. It never occurred to him that if he had been kind and loving he would have been very important to his wife and children. He seemed embarrassed by any show of emotion. I think that because my father was never showed affection, his parents stunted his emotional development and he just didn't know how to be 'normal' in a relationship. He was incapable of showing kindness to us. Strangely enough, he could to people he hardly knew. I do actually think he may have some kind of personality disorder as he can be 'normal' with other people, although he only has a limited amount of contact with them, I don't think he could keep it up full time. It's just messed up. I think the damage done to children being brought up in these situations shouldnt be underestimated. Awful parenting definitely impacted my father and in turn his awful parenting affected me, albeit in a different way. It's actually made me a very good parent as I know how unhappy I was growing up so now I am very aware of the importance of my children not being exposed to behaviour like this.

Just realised how long this is, sorry, it's a subject I feel really strongly about.

Relationship abuse (when it's from male to female) is absolutely rooted in misogyny and sexism. That's why this is the most common combination for domestic abuse. It comes from the abuser's sense of entitlement. Unfortunately we live in a sexist society which plays into the male abuser's views.

Lundy Bancroft is good at this. Patricia Evans too, if you want to read something.

It was stressful but nothing compared to what some posters on here have suffered in relationships.

Maybe not, but that can be a dangerous thought process. A partner should not be like this at all. If people have to compare themselves to others in bad situations to make their situation seem ok, then there's a problem.

Was never going to work as I had to either compromise/give in or fight about it every whuppabout - I was never going to give in and I got sick of fighting about it. I was lucky in that my parents relationship was a good example, in that regard anyway.

That's good that you knew that it wasn't 'normal'. I think women who are the most vunerable are those without something 'normal' to compare it too. Relationships do require compromise but when it's always the same person giving in or facing a huge fight if they don't, it's not healthy.

I hope you are happy now.