Why are so many men jealous, possessive and controlling?

[merville]

Obviously some women are too but from anecdotal evidence & life experience, significantly more men than women seem to be excessively jealous, possessive and controlling.

Why do you think this is?

Obviously insecurity is a factor but most of us, including women, can be insecure to some extent; why does it seem to manifest itself in possessive, controlling behaviour to such an extent in men?

Is it an extreme form of mate guarding? (And the fact that makes might've been more likely to secure their mating 'rights' through aggression and intimidation than females)?

Is it that many men think on a more basic, level than women (so my dp says : you can never underestimate how simple and base we can be)?

Do you think these men can ever truly overcome (if they wanted to, which they don't seem to since they think they're on the right)?

Forgot to say with my exh it was self esteem. It was a vicious circle.

He would cause an argument if I went out
Or spoke to someone on the phone or went to work etc, because he felt insecure. The more he acted like this the less I loved him. He picked up on that and became more controlling. Then I moved away from him more and so on

The only time we were happy was when I did as he said, thinking it's what I wanted the minute I realised I was being controlled and started taking power back it escalated.

Hevwoikd sexually assault me because, he later admitted, he felt like he owned me if we had had sex. Like I was an object. I used to say I felt like lamp post that dogs pissed on to mark its territory.

Near the end when I refused to accept being sexually assault he raped me. I left with my kids.

Controlling behaviour takes many forms and can escalate. 4 years on, I still can't make a decision. I do what makes others happy, not me. I have a Dp now, he is so careful with me. He knows if I have to choose between doing something for me or him I will choose him and pretend to be happy. So he doesn't put me in the position.

I still can't choose a programme or movie or where we will eat or what will do. I can see Dp get sad when he he asks me if I want to watch something and I say 'it's up to you' but I genuinely can't make up my mind. There's nothing I want to watch or do. It's like I have no opinion or wants. Hopefully my counselling will help improve things

I feel like my life isn't my own, I feel immense guilt at doing stuff, that I want. I have to say, for me (other people will feel differently) the controlling behaviour has keft me far more damaged than the rape has.

Dp is great and is trying to gently coax me into making decisions, but I don't know if it will ever change.

Sorry that's a total ramble and probably off the point.

The reasons some men choose to abuse are mainly around exerting power and control over their partners. The blame should lie entirely with the abuser and not his victim as the reasons for not leaving immediately are usually complex. Men occupy a priveleged position in our society eg they have more earning power, political power, physical strength, therefore some exploit this. I think im trying to say that some men behave this way because of gender inequality and the behaviour is facilitated by patriarchy. Most men do not abuse their power but in terms of relationship dynamics of abuse it is men who are hugely more likely but not exclusively to be abusive.

Bertie - I've read and watched Lundy, I tried Patricia Evans but found her, I don't know, wordy .. faffy, maybe I'm being harsh, hug I just found it off-putting.

Yes it's definitely a factor, though clearly not in women who are like this, so there's a lot more - to do with human psychology - worth investigating. Is it insecurity, egotism (fine line between those two sometimes), domineering personalities?

Boysandbuses You are obviously very strong, you left an abusive person which as is shown so often on here is a very difficult thing to do. Your children's lives will be infinitely better because of your decision to leave and that's an amazing thing you have done. I hope your counselling does help you. Your partner sounds lovely, but after being so badly treated it will take time to gain confidence and to be who you are. I know I don't know you but I'm so pleased you got away from your exh. Be kind to yourself.

Fuktifano you are right. But in my case I had the financial power. I always maintained my own income always worked etc. Made it easier to leave but not easy.

Personally the view from people of it not being that bad, stopped me leaving. And quite honestly I have had to leave my own family behind. Their view was that I was over reacting and that one person is always dominant in a relationship. My mum is the dominant one (read abuser) and dad accepts it.

That why I am so vocal about speaking out about the impact of abuse. Because So many people don't get it emotional abuse whether it's from a man or woman.

I moved area and barely speak to anyone in my family anymore.

CatsPawsAndWhiskers thanks. I appear strong. But I am an empty shell.

Maybe not, but that can be a dangerous thought process. A partner should not be like this at all. If people have to compare themselves to others in bad situations to make their situation seem ok, then there's a problem.

I just mentioned that because you were giving me sympathy that I thought was undeserved . It was nothing compared to what's described bon here every day and I knew very well it was fk ed up and I should end it.

(or at the very very least that we were not suited).

@boysandbuses that is horrendous, I'm so glad you got out and are with someone decent. Seriously sounds like a form of PTSD.

I just mentioned that because you were giving me sympathy that I thought was undeserved

Not undeserved at all. I think anyone who has had a partner who is jealous and possessive deserves sympathy. It's stressful and miserable at best. You can have some and as well as sympathy.

I've found most men who are jealous need to control you. It seems to manifest into manipulation.

Whilst I do agree we don't talk enough about the ones that aren't jealous or controlling.

But I know Male friends who have this jealous streak, but really it's not even jealousy it's just about wanting to control someone. IE A power trip so they feel in charge and that you won't ever leave them. Regardless of what they do

Projection

They think the rest of the world must be as immoral as they are given half a chance.

It is because - despite the recent advances of feminism - men are socialised still on some level to believe that women are their property, that we are lesser, and that manly successful men control their women.

People like to think this is all bygone stuff but it really isn't. It only became illegal to rape your wife in the 1990's. It only became socially acceptable for women to have careers and initiate divorce proceedings in relatively recent history. These attitudes take generations to disappear.

@AnyFucker Nail hit on head right there!!

Because their culture enables it.
If men didn't get away with violence (how many sports stars or performers continue to have successful careers despite DV charges?) they would stop.
If men weren't laughed at down the pub and teased for being "whipped" if they do something nice for their wives.
If men weren't encouraged to suppress their emotions and only "deal" with them by having a drink or punching someone.
If men were allowed to participate fully in family life without being judged for being weak or unmanly.
If men stopped joking about rape or sexual assault.

All these little things are the foundations upon which violent men build their justification for violence.
Not saying women can't be violent, they absolutely can be. But the effects of that violence is often not as bad. A man punching a woman can give her a concussion. A woman punching a man often leaves little more than a bruise. Neither are right, but one has more serious impacts.

In short.... patriarchy

Not to be argumentative but I have found quite the opposite to be true in my life experience.

^This

It's a Man thing. We are brought up to succeed, and this to dominate. We need a strong willed woman to stop us beginning boarish.

Apologises for typos.

You would be better apologising for being a boar. It's not up to women to curb your knobbish behaviour.

*Projection

They think the rest of the world must be as immoral as they are given half a chance.*

Thing is, while I certainly know controlling men who would take any opportunity to cheat etc., the controlling man I went out with appeared (I know I'll be told he was probably lying but he seemed genuine) moral on that front. he said he had never cheated, was critical of cheating by both sexes, and he was also anti sex industry (was of the opinion that prostitution was 'paid rape', refused to go on stag dos where strip clubs were likely "like I want to be in a club with some girl not far off my eldest daughter's age showing her tits to men old enough to be her dad for money", described only discomfort and sadness at getting caught in a pub at lunchtime where he was getting a pie and pint when a totally unexpected strip show started (think it was a working man's pub club in the north where he was visiting for work) " some poor soul taking her clothes off inside a pub in the daytime for a few Bob" etc etc.

It's a Man thing. We are brought up to succeed, and this to dominate. We need a strong willed woman to stop us beginning boarish

So what are you saying; that if a controlling, jealous, possessive man is with a 'weak' woman, he'll try and succeed at controlling her. But if he's with a 'strong' woman, he won't try or he won't succeed?

Problem with that is that they try to control any woman they're with, and the arguing about it (with the 'strong' woman) ends the relationship anyway. It also ends the relationship because it's unattractive. To be blunt why would any man who's a good catch be so shit scared of losing me?

Men get jealous of women having possible sexual relationships with other men. This does make evolutionary sense - if they think 'their woman' might reproduce with another man, they might not pass on their genes and they are left bringing up someone else's child. Human reproduction is based on monogamy universally for a reason, men have to trust women on who has impregnated them. We didn't have DNA tests to prove it for thousands of years!

Women get jealous too though - but for a different reason. Women are more likely to be pissed at EA type of relationships because the OW is a threat to the resources that the man brings to the relationship. Will the man leave them and pour all his resources into this new woman? Makes evolutionary sense again. And this was all designed before women were able to work and get their own income

We are just animals.

Mooncup - that explains (and I agree) a natural level of jealousy, possessiveness, ' mate guarding' etc from both sides; but not the high level jealous, possessive, controlling behaviour that (alongside abuse & DV, which it often overlaps with) seems to me to be more male.

It is because males are the more aggressive on average?

Or because they'd be providing resources for offspring that's potentially not theirs, while the woman would just be sharing resources with other women, which isn't as 'bad' (thats presuming he keeps giving her some resources if course, in many cases he doesnt, he just moves on - historically and present day)?

Is it because historically there is more competition among men to mate and pass on their genes than for women, who may not get the alpha they want as their ft partner but will pretty much always get the chance to pass on their genes?

(Apparently the folks who study these things (anthropologists, geneticists?) established that, until relatively recent human history when monogamy became v common, only a pretty small percentage of men mated and passed on their genes, whole the vast majority of women did).

*while

Just wondering if that might be something behind this almost pathological possessiveness and control that (in my experience and observation) seems to be more common from males toward females than vv.

Of course the points about privilege, inequality etc are v valid too.