Losing affection

[ferj]

Hi everyone,

My wife and I are going through a rough patch where we don't seem to agree on what our problem is.

From her side, she is unhappy with not getting enough affection. I have held my hands up to this, and openly admit my affection has dropped. When we talk about it, I explain examples where she has been dis-respectful, rude, lied & under values me, over years, and that these things have eaten away at my affection towards her.

She doesn't agree, saying I'm the issue, that I don't have enough affection to her, and that's the main issue.

Is it plausible, that my affection can reduce, if I have experienced dis-respect, under value, rudeness, lies - over a long period of time?

thank you /

If you both want everything to be the other's fault, you will never agree. Do you want to stay together?

definitely want to stay together
however this issues keeps coming up - hence asking for general advice

Does she definitely want to stay together, too?
You just both sound so negative about each other.

Why would you want to be with someone who disrespects you, lies to you and is rude to you?

Yes, of course that's the probable root cause. It seems that you're just lazily blaming the other for problems. You know you're lacking in showing her attention. Instead of blaming her behaviour for it, acknowledge that it contributed, pull your socks up and start showing more affection. On her side, she needs to reciprocate affection and stop all the toxic behaviour that led to this.

If you want to be together it's not about point scoring now or blame. It's about putting your shit to one side and giving.

You seem to be in a viscious circle, and you'll never know which came first it's been going on so long - did you reduce the affection (either knowingly or not, or did she start becoming dis-respectful, rude, lied & under valuing you in response to that?) Either way, you are where you are so does it really matter?

She does those things in response to you withdrawing affection and you withdraw affection in response to her failings.

Either way if you want to stay together, both be the bigger person - draw a line under it, start again from day one.

I don't intentionally withdraw affection as an eye for a eye tactic. It's just kind of slowly happened over the years to my realisation.

I actively try to discuss it with her, I do it with the intention of us both understanding why it's happening, in the hope that this understanding will quit the dis-respect, lies etc, and I'll naturally resume affection.

The reason it matters, is that we can't move onwards if we don't acknowledge that affection can be eaten away by dis-respect etc. She doesn't allow our relationship to acknowledge my affections falls because of how she behaves (dis-respect, etc etc).

However, I'm starting to doubt myself now. Should I just blindly have no expectations in terms of being valued, respected etc - and just be affectionate? Isn't value and respect a man's version of affection to a woman?

Yes she does
But again, she doesn't think it's justified my affection can fall. She thinks it needs to resume before her attitude changes

And what do you expect her to do, before your attitude changes?

Just acknowledge how she treats me, affects my affection for her

One of you has to back down.
Youve both seem to be in bad habits...one of you has to be the catalyst for change.

It doesnt matter who does it first...the iutcone is likely to be positive. But one of you has to make the change first.

As your on here serking thoughts and advice. Id suggest you be the first one....
Give her more affection...it may seem like its false at first but go with it....as time goes on you should see a change in your wife

Trouble is, basically you're saying she is the cause of all your problems: her disrespect is bad, and your lack of affection is her fault, too. She'll be naturally reluctant to agree to that.
You want:
a) her to respect you more
b) her to admit that your lack of affection is her fault
How about if you compromise and take only a)?
So: "Sorry I have been less affectionate. Let's both make an effort."?

So basically you both want the other to change first. I’m a relationship counsellor and this will get you no where, it’s not how a relationship works.
If you aren’t up for counselling to see if you can both improve your relationship, I’d suggest you both reading the following:
Hold Me Tight by S Johnson
The five love languages G Chapman
Use them to get yourselves talking. There’s something underlying your current situation and you stand the best chance of getting out in the open by talking.

I’d also add, that whilst you’re talking you both need to listen. Really listen. Put yourselves in each other’s shoes and really try to think how you’d feel. Give each other uninterrupted time to talk. Set a time limit to take pressure off.
I think if you can show each other that you understand each other, you’ll start to get somewhere.

You have to weigh it up. What do you want more, to prove your point, or to stay together?

You need to do something different to get a different outcome. Just like anything else in life. If you both want to stay together and have a happier more fulfilling relationship, work at it together, as a team.

What does she lie to you about and how does she disrespect you? It sounds like you're saying everything is her fault? Is that what you actually think?

From the description she does sound pretty grim, but if you want to stay with her there must be something nice, too?

Ive tried that.
It doesnt work. Deep down she thinks im the problem. Affection is king.

I dont mind being the bigger person. I always intiate talking on this. I always listen. I can try again to be affectionate again. Im here on this forum because i want to know, am i wrong, for my drop in affection , for how she treats me?

Im here on this forum because i want to know, am i wrong, for my drop in affection , for how she treats me?

Lying and disrespect are massive problems, what does she lie about? I can't stand being lied to personally and how is she disrespectful?

Why do you both want to stay together?

So she denies that she treats you with disrespect?
Name three things you like about her, go on.

She tells one.sided stories to my closest family.members, turning them against me. I dont have much family at all.

She speaks to my divorced parents behind my.back against my will whom i havent spoken to for 15 years when i told her not to

She tells some.of.our secrets to my friends behind my.back, things i explicitly wanted kept secret.

She is obsessed with buying (has thousand+ clothes) and always does it behind my back and lies who they are for.

She lies about money. Our savings.

We recently went through.ivf. i did everything, and i mean everything including telling her what to do and eat and prepare for 6 months before to maximise our chances. Not a word of appreciation came from her

She uses my colleagues to buy her stuff but tells.them.to.lie to me. These are very very important colleagues for.my.work. for critically.important things.

When we talk, to resolve things, she doesnt deal with the issue, she insults or defends with something she thinks ive done of equal damage (with is seldom.the case).

There are lots and lots of things, all.bunched up.over the years. She kept saying affection from.me is the issue, so i researched it, and i told her she is right, but she needs to act more on her side too since men need respect as women need affection.

I’m not surprised your affection has waned. She doesn’t sound very nice at all.

But there’s an impasse.

I suggest you up the affection . Don’t demand a declaration of what ways she has been at fault.

But definitely call her on lies/ disrespect as and when it happens from now on . I wish you lots of love and luck

I think you need some counselling.
Apart and together.
Of course you aren't going to be all lovey and affectionate to someone who has been unkind and lied throughout the years.
It erodes all of that.
And more often than not it gets to the point where it's too little too late.
Until she can see that her actions have led to some of this then you'll never resolve it.
She needs to take some accountability for this.
She is burying her head. Hoping that you will just forget and move on and all will be well again.
But it just doesn't work like - as you are now finding out.
You've lost some love and respect for her.
That takes a long to time to build back up again.
And it will take both of you putting in 100% to get it back.
Has all her disrespect and lying and rudeness stopped now?
What was she lying about and in what ways was she disrespecting you?
If she isn't prepared to accept responsibility for some of this then you are fighting a losing battle and you may as well cut your losses now.

Have you looked at what separation would be like?
Could you afford to live separately?
Would you be happier apart and co-parenting? (I'm assuming you have children)

The problem is also that she is still disrespecting your feelings.
You feel how you feel. That is how it is. No-one can take away your own personal feelings and nor should they try.
No-one has a say over how you feel. And she's currently dismissing the fact that you feel a certain way and telling you to just 'get over it'
That is NOT OK.

She has to understand and respect that this is how you feel and until she can do that, you are doomed.