Losing affection

[ferj]

Hi everyone,

My wife and I are going through a rough patch where we don't seem to agree on what our problem is.

From her side, she is unhappy with not getting enough affection. I have held my hands up to this, and openly admit my affection has dropped. When we talk about it, I explain examples where she has been dis-respectful, rude, lied & under values me, over years, and that these things have eaten away at my affection towards her.

She doesn't agree, saying I'm the issue, that I don't have enough affection to her, and that's the main issue.

Is it plausible, that my affection can reduce, if I have experienced dis-respect, under value, rudeness, lies - over a long period of time?

thank you /

She sounds abusive!

She denies a.mans affection can be affected by how she treats him.

She has almost.no self reflection. If i didnt mention these issues they would never be discussed.

She uses my colleagues to buy her stuff but tells.them.to.lie to me

That's so weird, she actually asks people you work with to buy things for her and not tell you? Honestly with all those examples, i'd be gone never mind withholding affection

OK, I cross posted with your update.
So do you have any DC at all?
If not then run - RUN FAR AND FAST.
Do NOT have any more children with this woman.

Looking at what you say about her she could have some kind of mental illness. Has she been looked at for bipolar or BPD?
It's worth looking into as it may be more fixable if you know what's going on.

You also say you told her exactly what to do and eat for 6 months.
Was she not capable of researching that and deciding for herself what she should do and eat? That sounds controlling.
You also say that men need respect - that's a red flag right there. Why? Men have to earn respect the same as women do. You aren't just entitled to it because you are a MAN!

Sorry but I'm seeing way too many issues here.
I think you would both be far happier apart!

Melons
You are so right. Denying what i feel now is also a form of disrespect. Its hard to talk to someone who doesnt know.....what is right..what is wrong.

We have children. My parents were divorced. I dont want the same. Im looking to understand better. She never wants to talk about the issues. Im ramblkng now.

I will be more affectionate.

In a relationship. Where women need affection, men need respect (of course the assumption is that they have earnt it)

Food.
She didnt do anything to prepare well for ivf. Optimise diet. Uprate vitamins and supplements, cut out coffee, alcohol, exercise. Thats just the begining.

But you can't just turn affection on and off like a switch.
It will be fake and it will come across like that.
You can only be affectionate to someone who you love and respect and want to be close with.
This woman is not that person.
I'm assuming your parents divorce was very acrimonious?

I really don't see a way out of this other than separation.
You will lose yourself in this relationship and start to hate yourself for it. Self-esteem and confidence will take a dive and you'll be a shell of a person.
You get one shot at this life. ONE!!! That's it. It could be cut short at any time. Do NOT live it being unhappy.

This cannot be a good environment for your DC to be growing up in.
This is not a good relationship model for your DC either.
So it cuts both ways. Sometimes the DC are happier in 2 happy homes rather than one miserable one!

Where women need affection, men need respect (of course the assumption is that they have earnt it)

hhmmm something sounds really off about this

Arya. It does. But if.you google it you will see.

Melons you are right.
But i wont accept divorce.
The trouble is my childhood also lacked value and respect.
I will.have to adapt how i get through to her in more imaginative ways

Arya. It does. But if.you google it you will see.

I mean your views sound a bit sexist. (not excusing all the stuff your DW did if that's all true)

If what you say is true (we only have one side). This is abuse.
If you stay together, and it continues, you are teaching your children that this is what a healthy normal relationship is like.
You can try to make changes and it might work but if not I’d suggest considering your options. For the sake of your mental wellbeing and care of your children.

Ayra.
Where women need affection in relationship.as there number 1 need, men dont. Men need respect or to feel.valued.
Its well.documented.

I researched this on trying to understand her critiscism of.my lower affection

You say your childhood lacked value and respect......and now so does your children’s childhood.....it didn’t make you happy and it won’t make them happy either.
By refusing to consider separating you’re going to prolong this. Unless of course something changes and things improve, which I sincerely hope for your children’s sake.

You are right.
Fortunatley i had a hard childhood which made me stronger. I can handle it.
DC are too young to notice our discussioms which are out of sight

Please trust me that all women and all men are not the same. Research can show trends but not absolute fact in this area.
Look up the five love languages I suggested (google). You’ll see we all have one major ‘need’ and affection isn’t always the one for women. I’m just trying to give you ideas if you want to try to improve your relationship. I wish you luck OP.

How old are your DC?

Moon.
No i was neglected as a child.
Its not the same.
Our issues are only.revealing themselves in the last year where ive become aware of how she need treating me. The children are not exposed to any negativity.

I’d suggest your hard childhood hasn’t necessarily made you stronger, but given you a different template of what is acceptable, so you ‘cope’.
Obviously without details, which I am not asking for I don’t know.

Moon.
3 and 4
1 need. I know.
Not all the same. I know.
Its the top need, generalised. I know its research.

It was more to.understand her by educating myself.of womens emotional needs which in her case is affection.

I will take the lead. I will.read the book. Thanks for the suggestion

Unless your DC are babies, they’ll pick upon far more than you realise. They don’t have to witness conversations.

I also thought you suggested her behaviour had gone on for a longer period than a year? Sorry I might have mis-read.

You can most of it on the internet but the book is good too. Good luck

Moon
Hmm. How to say.
I can rely on myself for... Myself.
Bit cryptic. Sorry

Moon
Much longer than a year
But it.didnt click with me what was actualy happening was dis respect.or undervalue etc

Look after yourself OP, self respect and self worth are important. It’s possible your neglect during childhood had left you under valuing yourself. No one deserves the treatment you describe.....regardless of gender.

If you don’t mind reading up on things, you might find adult attachment an interesting subject which might shed some light for you.