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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp has accused me of stealing his Cannabis from his shed!

89 replies

notasheep · 03/07/2007 21:06

And giving it to a girlfriend.
Whilst my head is full of how will i pay £120 gas bill,£130 electric bill,£140 council tax,£100 for 2 new car tyres.

Think our priorities are wrong.
And i havent been in his bloody shed and didnt know he was hiding stuff up in it.

Concerned he is getting paranoid and putting Cannabis as top priority.
Anyone else have a dh/dp with such a habit getting in the way?

OP posts:
Pan · 05/07/2007 07:28

I am pretty sure NAS is aware of the issues involved, hence the postings she has made.

meowmix · 05/07/2007 07:34

its not just that he's doing the dope, although thats a divorce offence in my book, but from what you say this guy has such faith, trust and love for you that he accuses you of stealing from him?! And you're accepting that? Why?

Large kick, backside, towards door, slam.

Original poster
notasheep · 05/07/2007 07:39

I am feeling absolutely devistated by the whole thing

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/07/2007 07:42

You have every right to feel devastated but you do not seem to have any idea of how to propel yourself away from this mess he has heaped upon yourselves.

You will have to make a decision re him; it looks to me like he has made his choice already and that is cannabis.

The longer you prevaricate the worse it will be for your and your children. They also deserve far better.

Pan · 05/07/2007 07:43

oh NAS......I am feeling for you..it isn't b&w as suggested..a couple I know (childless, gay) are having a torrid time..one of them is immersed into dope and otehr one says he is beyond reasonable communication..that priorities are messed up and he isn't optimistic about the future. With good reason.

Where are you in considering drastic action, may I ask??

waitingforCOD · 05/07/2007 07:54

Notasheep - I am so sorry that you are in this situation

I was engaged to a guy once and he had a major cannabis problem and it took over everything - I wanted him to stop and he didnt so I left but it was easier for me as there were no children involved.

My poor SIL has a similar problem with my brother but they have a DS. My brother has become a lazy, selfish, paranoid, moody shit basically and my SIL is miserable.

It is the drugs or the family.

SimplySparkling · 05/07/2007 07:59

notasheep I wanted you to know that I'm still reading this thread. You said towards the beginning of it that you wanted people to be very harsh with you, but it must be difficult to read posts which are living up to that. It's not a problem you've created but it's up to you (it seems, as your dp can't do it) to sort it. Can you make a list of your options and see what the consequences of each are? i.e.

Action:- Let the police know of the cannabis. Result:- Dp gets arrested and in big trouble. He may as a consequence get the help he needs.

Or something like that?

Why is he keeping the £92 a week to himself? Do you keep your income to yourself? No, you use it for the family. The money coming in should be for the family not for one person to fritter away on who knows what.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

Speccy · 05/07/2007 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theUrbanDryad · 05/07/2007 08:46

NAS - it is possible to come out the other side of long term cannabis use (relatively) unscathed, but for me it took a big shock, getting pg then losing the baby. your dp needs a shock, he needs to know how much this is affecting you so you need to tell him, you or the dope.

that's a lot of needs, and it's probably not what you want to do.

mate, i know how scary the prospect of being alone is. i was in that situation a while ago, and my situation was easier because a) i was smoking weed too, and b) we didn't have any kids. but i was so very scared of being alone, it took me 2 years to kick the waster out of my flat. like your dp, he got incapacity benefit and spent it on weed. i worked and paid for our upkeep. it wasn't ideal. but after i kicked him out i felt such a huge sense of relief!

btw, is it weed or solid hash he smokes? that makes a big difference IME.

feel free to CAT me if you want a chat about it. i've been there from both sides of the fence. xx

Original poster
notasheep · 05/07/2007 15:59

I know he wont give up so i have to now face up to the harsh reality of it all,which is happening on here thank goodness.
i feel quite pathetic to have allowed the situation to carry on for so long.

We have had sex twice this year......says it all really

OP posts:
Pan · 05/07/2007 18:19

oh sweetie. Do NOT feel pathetic. These things rumble and rumble on, with no 'deadline' date. The patheticness is elsewhere.

charliecat · 05/07/2007 20:48

NAS, if you want to email me do so on [email protected] ive just split from dp although for diff reasons.

imaginaryfriend · 05/07/2007 21:00

Sorry to hear that cc

NAS, you haven't said what the extent of his dope smoking is? how much, how often for how long? Is it the dope or the lack of support for you and the kids that are the worst problems?

I'm asking because my dp smokes dope but he is the main bread-winner in our relationship and the dope-smoking doesn't generally get in the way of his work. I don't like it myself, in fact sometimes I loathe it, it's like an enemy, but I find it hard to give him reasons to stop given that he thinks it's so harmless and in fact because he has an academic job he says it helps him get into the right frame of mind to work.

I also think he smokes too much and that it's going to do some damage to his health whether physical or psychological although as he'd be quick to point out the facts about this are flaky. He smokes every day, never has a day off, and smokes first thing in the morning. Which I think means it's a problem.

I've been in a corner about it for well over a year now (it's only really escalated in the last 1-2 years, prior to that it was hardly anything or very occasional). I want to put my foot down but I don't want to lose him. I've tried all the reasonable reasoning I can but it never changes. I haven't a clue what to do really.

SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 05/07/2007 21:11

NAS, im sorry to hear about you and your dp, its such a big problem drugs...you can do so much better for you and your kids!

me and dh had a convo about weed a couple of days ago as i used to smoke it when i was younger and basically we said how stupid it was etc etc.

if its more inportant to him than you and the kids he aint worth it! and sorry to be blunt but you're being a mug for letting it continue!

Original poster
notasheep · 06/07/2007 10:03

He has cut down but to be honest i have no idea how much he smokes as never smokes in front of me(with feelings of guilt)

The thing is the support,I mean if he had a job and paid all the bills.....

Ifriend-dp use to smoke first thing in the morning-i do think that is a problem

I dont think they get reasonable reasoning with their cloudy minds.When i met you i thought your manner was far more relaxed than mine with this whole issue

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/07/2007 10:37

What you are basically saying is that you have no idea of the extent of his habit.

He has no job and the money he does get seems to all go on cannabis.

NAS - what are you going to do?. Like it or otherwise you will have to eventually make a decision. Sticking your head in the sand and by doing so hoping that the problem will somehow go away is not going to happen. Who does that so called approach help - no-one, least of all your own self.

You sound completely run down and worn out by it all; small wonder therefore you are confused and cannot make a decision re your relationship.

imaginaryfriend · 06/07/2007 15:33

NAS I feel far from relaxed about it a lot of the time. Like I said, I feel like I'm in a corner. We've talked and talked about it and he always sets these deadlines for when he's going to cut down but they never materialise.

I love him dearly and if he was just smoking a bit in the evening to relax in the same way as people might have a drink (he doesn't drink or smoke fags) I wouldn't see this as a problem at all.

I think he smokes too much and although he knows he's 'addicted' and to a degree he wants to change, he seems unable to take the leap.

He performs all the parts of being a partner you'd want him to although he can be distant sometimes when he's writing and therefore smoking more. And he's so intelligent in his reasoning it's hard to find a reason why he should quit ...

Nevertheless, I don't like it. And I wish he'd stop.

It sounds to me, NAS, that you have other deep problems in the relationship and perhaps the dope smoking is the catalyst?

amen · 06/07/2007 16:27

as a fairly regular smoker of weed i see no real problem in a recreational use of the drug. however i have seen people become severely depressed and isolated from others due to an abuse of it. only way to sort it out is to convince him to knock it on the head. he will be amazed about a week or so after stopping what it feels like.i remember after a particularly heavy 3/4 months of smoking when i stopped about a week later i woke up one morning and felt so tuned in and alert and i couldn't figure out why for days.

SoVignion · 06/07/2007 22:01

nas

I have previously written about my husband who smoked a lot of weed, morning evening etc infront of the children etc etc ( as sosickoftheweed)

thought I would update you.

he smokes less now.

or he is better at hiding it

my 8 year old son told me last week that 'Daddy dosnt smoke out of his golden pipe anymore' , i was very pleased that he has cut down to the extent of our son noticing

but the weed smoking was only one part of the problem and perhaps what I have focused on in the past.

Now i see the bigger picture.

Basically he is a child. The best days of is life were going to rock concerts at 15; he chooses clothes more suitable to a 20 year old than a man of 43, he hates working and has never achieved anything in the working world, prefering to do the bare minimum to scrape by. he is forever moaning that he is getting older

He does not know what the mortgage payment is, take sno interest in the financial arangenments of our household but continues to spend on what he wants. He is notworking but neither does he reallly 'do' the SAHD thing. he would rather feed the kids shit than make th e effort to cook

my respect for him has been eroded to the point that I can see no future to our relationship... he would say ... 'but I dont smoke so much now'... and my answer......its too late.

i hope you have a happier outcome but I urge you to address the issues asap

Original poster
notasheep · 07/07/2007 00:09

Sovignion-The bigger picture exactly!

Dp too is a child
Dp too hasnt a clue about the mortgage payments and takes no interest in the financial arrangements/commitments of the household.

The number of times i have arrived home with a large pack of nappies and he arrives home with cans of Stella.

And only last week when i suggested he paid dds school dinner money for once he replied he only had enough money left for a pouch of tobacco!

I must STOP being his Mother,Keeper,Mug.

OP posts:
LordPan · 07/07/2007 00:31

nas.....I AM feeling for you..it is soo reminiscent of my friends situation I mentioned, AND of what has been astutely said just a couple of posts below.

I am male, but if a feamle partner exhibited the behaviours you mention, I would also see little hope. It isn't a gender thing. It's an attitude thing.

Leati · 07/07/2007 00:40

Look, I grew up with an entire family of druggies. I know it is an ugly word but you need to nip this in the bud. You can tell him that you didn't but you wish you would have. This is serious and it can lead to even worse habits. Tell him this your house and you will not permit him to bring his bad habit into your home.

oxocube · 13/07/2007 18:30

I agree - it really is the most boring thing on earth to live with a dope smoker/alcoholic etc. Get rid if you can.

Original poster
notasheep · 14/07/2007 12:48

He has arranged a trip on Tuesday to collect some more Cannabis(though he doesnt know that i know)
At least i can stop him as he needs to use my car to get there

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/07/2007 16:37

"He has arranged a trip on Tuesday to collect some more Cannabis(though he doesnt know that I know)"

Where's the money for his habit coming from?. Benefits?. I'd shop him if that is all he is spending this money on.

"At least i can stop him as he needs to use my car to get there"
Well no you cannot actually as he will doubtless find another mode of transport to use.

You originally asked us to be harsh with you but I don't think you are ready to really face up to what we're saying yet.

You need to wake up now to the fact that his cannabis addiction and feeding of same is his number one priority. What more proof do you need?. The rest of you are well down his list of priorities.

What it is going to take him doing for you to realise that you are wasting your time with him?. You and your children are all being dragged down with him. Your children won't thank you for your indecisiveness re him in the longer term.

He is nothing but a selfish and immature manchild. Showing him that you're being responsible will not help - you cannot save or rescue him no matter how hard you try or want to. Perhaps that is why you have stayed with him, not just out of love (that is not enough here) but out of a misguided sense of wanting to help him. He has to want to help his own self - you cannot do it for him.