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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anybody else find themselves ruminating about an abusive ex?

67 replies

0valtine · 05/02/2019 21:39

I do this and it bothers me terribly. I have no feelings left for the man except regret as he was terribly violent and sabotaged my life for a long period of time. I'm thankful to be free of him and safe now, but he's never far from my thoughts. Why is this?

OP posts:

FlagFish · 05/02/2019 21:42

How long since you split up, OP? I think you’ll find these thoughts fade over time.

Original poster

0valtine · 05/02/2019 21:44

It's been four years since I last saw him, I had him carted off by the police and moved shortly after.

I'm in a new relationship and have no contact with him whatsoever.

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SpinneyHill · 05/02/2019 21:47

he was terribly violent and sabotaged my life for a long period of time

So it would be stupid to forget. Same as you never forget that you don't walk in front of moving traffic

Trevorwhatever · 05/02/2019 21:48

Yep I do this too and I don’t understand why. I’m perfectly happy with a good man who treats me well and everything is going so well in my life right now.

I had a brief fling with someone a few years ago and it was turning into a very damaging relationship for me. I got out quickly thankfully but even now I still think about it and cannot understand for the life of me how I let myself get sucked in.

Maybe it’s the mind’s way of trying to protect yourself for the future. I know I’m doubly cautious, doubly suspicious and very cynical about everything as a result of that stupid fling, but I think that’s a good thing to come out of it.

hazeydays14 · 05/02/2019 21:50

My ex was a manipulative prick though I wouldn’t say abusive. I didn’t see it until the very end of our relationship, we had been together years. I ended it almost 4 years ago.

I am now completely happy in my relationship of 3 years. However, occasionally think about him. Mainly my feelings are of anger of the way I was treated and the feeling that I never got to confront him about his appalling behaviour toward the end and after our relationship.

I think it is normal to dwell on a significant relationship and think about them from time to time.

Sorry that was long, feels good to vent!

JK1773 · 05/02/2019 21:51

Yes I do. Less and less often these days but I have moments when I berate myself for wasting all of my child bearing years on him and being left childless. I sometimes think over what he did to me and ask myself why I stayed. I’m generally happy these days but yes.... I understand

StrongerThanIThought76 · 05/02/2019 21:56

I broke up with a love-bombing cock-lodging ex of just a few months 4 years ago. Still think of him frequently and have to wobble my head every time. He's married and has a kid now, I had a lucky escape and glad I got out before he'd wormed his way right into my life and family.

SaveKevin · 05/02/2019 21:56

Yes i do, I’m so angry with how my life has turned out. I try not to let it consume me, as I know it’s just carrying the abuse on. I’ve been free 14 years, it’s cost me in the region of £150,000, my children’s (subsequent, not his) security and financial future and my mental health. I’m a fraction of the person I was before.

But freedom is worth it, I just wished I’d walked when I knew.

Original poster

0valtine · 05/02/2019 21:58

I'm sorry that others here can relate, it's a huge PITA as they don't deserve one iota of our headspace.

I was shown a news article today which named him as being charged with an arson attack, he has previous for it and I think that has brought it home to me just how lucky I was to get out when I did.

I'm annoyed with the person for showing me, but I don't think they meant any harm.

Regardless of being reminded it's as though he's still stuck in my head somewhere and I hate that.

OP posts:

EngagedAgain · 05/02/2019 21:59

Hazeydays, I doubt even if you did confront him he'd would take any notice. Men like him don't care what they've done, so don't waste another minute thinking about it. Easier said than done I know!

TunaVersesAngelfish · 05/02/2019 22:00

I still do, even after 20 years. I want to buy a valentines card, fill it with glitter and post it to him, the twatting twat.

Original poster

0valtine · 05/02/2019 22:00

I don't think I ever fully recovered (mentally) from the things he did to me.

It would be great if I could just forget he ever existed.

OP posts:

StoneRoses4Ever · 05/02/2019 22:02

Yes i still look back on a very unpleasant, controlling emotionally abusive relationship I had age 18-20 even though I’m 40 and have been with lovely dp since the end of the bad relationship. Sometimes angry with him, with me, sometimes sorry for my younger self, sometimes wonder if he realised what he was like (as he went on to marry a friend of mine at the time and they’ve been together ever after, I haven’t seen them since), I think how I could avoid my daughter getting into this type of relationship when she’s older.

showmeshoyu · 05/02/2019 22:06

It's natural to think what may have been if he hadn't taken that path or how he could get away with it. It's so sad that the ghosts of our past spoil our present. That's why I took up mindful meditation, to try to free myself from a past that can't be changed and in order to enjoy the present.

EngagedAgain · 05/02/2019 22:06

Savekevin, it's so hard isn't it when someone has wreaked so much havoc. In a way it makes us feel less alone, hearing similar experiences but then it's another person that's suffered. To a pp, you were very sensible to have got out so soon. Once you get sucked in, its so hard to get out.

Original poster

0valtine · 05/02/2019 22:13

I had a child by him who went on to be adopted. I live in fear of the day my birth son grows up and wants to find his biological father, I've never met somebody so inherently evil in my life

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RhubarbTea · 05/02/2019 22:15

It's slot machine syndrome. And I know this because I have dated a LOT of tossers. The worst one I still think about, even though I see through him completely now and wouldn't touch him with a bargepole. But there is going to be a part of you that wonders if things could have been different. Especially if they put you through hell, there is going to be a part of you that wonders, was it really all for nothing? And thinks that perhaps your payout is coming any day now. Even if logically you know they are bad news.

I also think that we tend to be attracted to knobs like these because of stuff that is unresolved from our childhood, perhaps even going back to before we can remember. So on some deep level when we were with them we were attempting to set something straight or make something right, and we carry them in our thoughts because of that. because we didn't right whatever wrong we had wanted to mend, because we feel ultimately unfulfilled by the relationship. If they lovebombed you , even more so. Because on some level, you are waiting for them to come good on their word.
It's quite sad really, and I still do it with a few exes i have. I don't think there is a cure other than to see through it, which removes some of the power.

Original poster

0valtine · 05/02/2019 22:19

@RhubarbTea alot of what you've said resonates with me. I think there's alot of truth in there.

I do often think to myself "was everything I went through really for nothing?"

I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole now, but the psychological ties are harder to break. I think.

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RhubarbTea · 05/02/2019 22:23

Yes. And plus there is that thing called trauma bonding, which I don't know much about but have probably experienced.

falaff · 05/02/2019 22:39

I do this. we broke up just over 3 months ago, so not on par with a lot of you, but I ruminate all the time. I'm glad to say it's getting better. I think about the good times and I guess I am frustrated, annoyed and confused about a lot of things. Most of the ruminating is about the breakup and the things I wanted to say. I think what makes it so hard is that we want them to admit to and accept what they've done, but they never will, so it's hard to get closure.

LilQuim · 05/02/2019 22:42

I'm struggling with this at the moment. I don't think of him in any good ways, but rather it's a resurgence of PTSD - intrusive thoughts, nightmares, hyper vigilance - but the worst abuse happened in early - mid Feb. Even though it's now 21 years ago. It also falls over my birthday, so there is so much tied in with it.

I was pregnant at the time of the violence, and have a 20 yr old son now, so there will always be reminders.

We're just very lucky that we haven't seen him in 18 years.

NameyMcNameChange1 · 05/02/2019 22:47

I spend far too much time thinking about him. He was hugely abusive to me as a teenager and for the 5 years we were together. He now has the perfect life, perfect family, ridiculously rich. I’m doing fine just bobbing along but I still have so much anger towards him. He’s a big figure in my local community and he was in the paper the other week as he’s contributed to the purchase of a women’s shelter. I do wonder if that’s his perverse way of expressing guilt at what he did to me. Probably not, but I still want a fucking apology.

Original poster

0valtine · 05/02/2019 22:50

All of the thoughts I have about him are negative ones, such as reliving the assaults and other things he did. I also worry about the risk he poses to other women who don't know his history because he's reinvented himself in a new area and doesn't disclose his past.

I feel ashamed that I didn't have him convicted for alot of what he did to me, and I just know I'm going to see him in the paper (again) some day for sexually assaulting or seriously injuring somebody else and I'll feel responsible because I didn't speak up straight away whilst there was evidence.

Truly sorry that others have experienced these feelings too

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Duvetday2day · 05/02/2019 22:53

Think it’s natural to be angry, and to think about that person even though they are no longer part of your life. The scars of emotional and physical abuse take time to heal, and sometimes will always be there. It’s just learning that your better off and strong.

I thought about my ex today from years ago, a relationship which I suffered mental, physical and financial abuse. I was watching Judge Rinder and after the financial mess he caused and left me with, I wish I had taken him to the cleaners!! Too late now...

Original poster

0valtine · 05/02/2019 22:55

Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it!

I have a lot of "I should have done/said this" moments myself.

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