Does anybody else find themselves ruminating about an abusive ex?

[0valtine]

I do this and it bothers me terribly. I have no feelings left for the man except regret as he was terribly violent and sabotaged my life for a long period of time. I'm thankful to be free of him and safe now, but he's never far from my thoughts. Why is this?

IM stuck here at the moment - MH not good right now - a culmination of wanting to get my kids through a levels this summer without causing disruption to their living arrangements which is all a result of x manipulating whole divorce process and me not being believed by legals and getting shafted in divorce settlement.

I’ve been fighting this for 4 years since he left for OW - trying to protect kids as much as possible but at the same time making them aware of reality. Emotional abuse is so hard to navigate.

Doesn’t help that I came across some old notes I’d written 20 years ago documenting emotional and financial abuse in the marriage. Just written post on this.

I agree that somehow we go through this stuff as a healing/ learning process - I’ve almost come back to where I was 20 years ago considering my future - and which path to take - somehow it’s about learning what is right for us even if everyone else thinks differently - it’s learning to trust ourselves and not be swayed by others opinions even if it’s a majority opinion.

I still have to come out the other side - it will always be worth it because I have my kids - I just hope that they learn to love themselves, don’t feel any blame and can have the confidence and courage to stand up to anyone whether it be their DF, a boss or a judge.

I have never fully trusted my own instinct - sometimes instinct can get confused by ego - or you are told you are crazy for thinking like you do or because you are in a minority - this coupled with forgiveness seems to be the lesson I have to learn.

Yes and it's so confusing. I'm angry about what happened, angry at him/them for what they did to me and angry for myself for putting up with it; I'm sad for my past self and the loss of what the relationship/s could have been (two DV ex's); guilty that maybe I "made them" treat me that way and deserved it, and then the occasional day where I wish I had been "good enough" and it hadn't ever ended and that we could have had the perfect lives we once promised each other. Which is all bullshit. Some days are worse than others but you're right they are never far from my thoughts, one relationship ended 6 months ago and the other was 5 years ago.

I don't feel I can trust my own judgement anymore and I'm on the waiting list for my local freedom programme which I really hope will help me sort my head out.

It's beyond frustrating isn't it, that these callous 'people' can have such a deep and long lasting impact on our lives, while in most cases they carry on unaffected.

I've felt compelled to get revenge somehow but what always stopped me was knowing that the second I poured any energy into getting my own back, it would reignite his campaign of harassment and set me back even further. I'm ashamed to say I do wish him bad will though, and bitterness is not something that was part of my character before all of this.

I suppose in a way they are their own karma as they have to live their lives in the knowledge that their personalities are defected and they don't know how to love properly.

Does anyone else ever feel like they'd just like to take a brillo pad to some parts of their past? Split up with abusive ex around 18 years ago. It doesn't hurt anymore but there's a lot of sadness. I find when other non-abusive people do things that can be insensitive or maybe a bit unkind I react as if I'd been punched in the face. Like I have a spot that is still tender from all of it.

What does sting is the sheer unfairness in the balance of the fall out. The victim (or should I say survivor) is often plagued by memories and intrusive thoughts for quite some time after we leave the relationship, but the abuser/narcissist moves swiftly on to their next supply barely batting an eyelid at the damage they've inflicted in our lives and never give a seconds thought to the pain they've caused others.

In my case I've always wanted him to feel guilt/pain/remorse and hoped it ate him up, though I've realised many of these types are devoid of any genuine emotion that isn't anger most of the time.

My ex is a deeply troubled soul who self medicates with drink, drugs and crime so just maybe he does hate himself every time he looks in the mirror. I hope he does.

@Swimminguphill absolutely the same for me.

I read an analogy somewhere that said something along the lines of "once you've had a layer of skin peeled off you're always going to be more sensitive"

Writing this has actually been a bit of a lightbulb moment!

Nowheretorun and green beret please please don’t let these things put you off going.
Freedom is wonderful, you can finally sleep properly, and you no longer have that anxiety ball in the pit of your tummy. It is worth it
Our memories are just that, memories. Yes, we bare the scars but we aren’t getting more.

0valtine Everytime I catch myself wishing him bad things I remember he has kids now and I wouldn’t want them to suffer.
That said, his dad was abusive so to a certain degree it was “learnt” behaviour. His mum was the one who got me out, she said it was too late for her.

Swimminguphill yes! Long story short I fell out with a family member a few years ago. It absolutely destroyed any remaining part of me. I cannot deal with people anymore, bar people I have to. I’ve stopped replying to friends and just disappeared
It’s like my ex squashed 95% of me and she destroyed the last 5.
Pre ex I’d have dealt with her one way and it would have been water off a ducks back. now I just want to crawl into a shell and never come out.

Yep. And I split with XP over 25 years ago

I was very vulnerable at the time after childhood abuse, rape and the death of a loved one. I was 15 when I met him and had PTSD. He was twice my age and a convicted rapist - - not that I knew at the time--

When I met DH-to-be I had the most horrible flashbacks and nightmares, despite the fact that DH was the nicest guy ever and I had been split from XP for nearly 10 years at that point. The flashbacks continued for the first 5 years of my relationship with DH then slowly faded.

XP is still friend of a friend on face book but I don't look. I don't want to know.

Sorry to hear that SaveKevin, that sounds like a really rubbish outcome for you. I hope you'll feel safe to get back out there. Humans can be hard though!

I've battled with anxiety ever since I was in the thick of it, I'm not sure if it's a direct result of that relationship as it's now in my distant past, but I've never been the same as the carefree person I was before I met him.

That being said, I'm 1000x better now than I was whilst I was in it.

I just hope I can get back to being the old me again someday, the me before abuse.

Yes I still do this even though we were divorced in 2014. We were together for 24 years.

To the outside world he is charming, successful and lots of fun. In our marriage he was a nasty misogynistic cheating narc bully; years and years of EA, putting me down on every front until my confidence socially and at work was shattered. Just enough physical violence and threats of violence to keep me subdued. I lost all my youth and the bright future I should have had to this man.

My overwhelming feeling is anger at myself for not seeing through him earlier and saving myself. I've had counselling and I understand why, but that does not lessen the anger.

As PP have said though, I think the rumination is protective, it reminds me never to get into that position again. I knew from the very start when I finally divorced him that I would never trust another man and would never have another relationship and I haven't. I can only bear a small handful of friends and I ration my time with them so they don't get too close.

@SaveKevin that's the same for my partner too, I think it was learnt as I know his dad was abusive to everyone in the family, being the oldest he took the brunt that his mum didn't get. But then I think he was always protecting his mum, so he should know better and want better for a woman. His mum is lovely and checks in on me a lot, but I think she knows what he is like and wants to make sure i'm ok. When I leave I will be really sad to say goodbye to her.

@0valtine, it's healing you need - badly need I hope you will move towards wholesomeness. How? 2 main things - one hard, one 'natural'. Here goes:

1. Hard as it is, you are going to have to think and work towards forgiveness. Far too many people allow the past to put brakes on the present - and by extension, on the future. You need to work towards letting go - especially of the past hurts and abuses, and to tell yourself that 'I forgive you'
2. Secondly, A bit counterintuitive, but don't try to forget. We don't have complete control of our memory and of what we can remember or forget. Sometimes, trying to 'too hard to forget' only brings the thing to the fore. Instead pour your energy and creativity and resources into your wider relationships and try to be more outward looking. You are, hopefully, wiser and more insightful now than you were years back. So take the bad experiences as learning experiences and don't focus too much on him as a person. Its possible he has psychological issues of his own, don't be a victim of him in his absence. That's why forgiveness and letting go is such a powerful force towards your healing. sorry for rambling on too much, I wish I had more time to go a little deeper into forgiveness etc.

Hi all, turns out after some digging I found out he is a dangerous man with many cases of harassment and a restraining order. I'm now trying to get everything ready to leave, but it's not going to be easy. He is tracking my phone. His ex who I spoke to said he's a very dangerous man :(