Does anybody else find themselves ruminating about an abusive ex?

[0valtine]

I do this and it bothers me terribly. I have no feelings left for the man except regret as he was terribly violent and sabotaged my life for a long period of time. I'm thankful to be free of him and safe now, but he's never far from my thoughts. Why is this?

@0valtine I tried warning my ex’s new partner at the time, what he was like. She didn’t listen, she even watched him attack me and break my cheek bone. In the end I walked away, and thought there is no point, she will learn. They are still together, what goes on behind the closed doors, is anyone’s guess...

I do. Everyday. I want him out my head. Reliving everything he put me through everyday for months,years makes me so angry and upset. Mostly at myself at how I could be so stupid and even more stupid to have a baby with him. I think this has affected my ability to have healthy relationships with anyone. I can't remember any good memories with him just the deeply hurtful ones.In fact I'm now sitting here crying about it. 6 years on and he still haunts me.

I'm so sorry for what you ladies experienced. These men are absolutely disgusting.

I warned the girl he went with after me, she didn't believe me but then he ended up assaulting her. She pressed charges straight away and finally had him convicted a year later albeit for a lesser charge than he deserved.

He then moved on to somebody else and tried the same, this woman had a baby to him too whom she lost custody of because of the risk he posed.

Still not satisfied with the amount of damage he'd done he moved on to yet another unsuspecting victim where he currently lives and I have a feeling his recent arson charge is connected to that.

I live hundreds of miles away from where it all happened to me but I still have people coming to me to tell me things after all of this time because it was public knowledge what he did to me. It's terribly sad that the cycle will never be broken because he's beyond help, he's evil.

I ruminate about my ex-h (together for 15 years) and I find it fascinating to see myself in that position now - totally in the fog, getting through the day and surviving while putting up with his shit.

I don't recognise that person. I pity that person. I am still a bit cross with that person 8 years later. It is only in the last few months actually that I fully (like properly) accept my agency in the situation, how there were many missed opportunities to leave, missed opportunities re protecting my finances, missed opportunities to fortify my children's futures.

I find my ruminating helpful actually because it really solidifies my will never to be exposed and endure abuse again.

As for him, I find him interesting, a specimen to examine in the petri dish of hell. He won't change and I am fascinated to see how he will end up. I have a feeling he will somehow come up smelling of roses sometimes, but then again, I am not so sure, I can also see him an old lonely man still perving over young women and unable to form any authentic connections with anyone. He is mid-40s now and some cracks are there when I observe him and his life. I don't really wish ill of him, but I am amazed he learned nothing from our relationship.

I've only ever been in one abusive relationship, my first boyfriend, we got together at school and it finished when I was 18.

It got increasingly more manipulative and violent and I called time on it, he couldn't believe a person as insignificant as me would finish with a person as great as he was.

I was stalked for months but was totally unaware, I had an older friend whose husband was in the police and I'd often go to her house when her DH was on nights. The DH used to call home for a cuppa mid shift and he had noticed a certain car parked up with a male inside most nights, he ran the licence plates and it was my ex (he'd changed his car since the break up, so I'd not noticed anything strange). So her DH had a little chat with him and warned him off. I wasn't told about this until it was all over.

He actually lived a good 30 miles away from me and I never saw him again, so thank you Terry.

He went on in later years to be the Managing Director of the largest building supplies merchant in the U.K. google tells me.

I doubt he learned his lesson and have wondered from time to time how many times he battered his wife.

@mooncuplanding it's interesting you say about "that person" you were back then. I often feel really sad for that woman I think of. She's not me, rather a very scared, broken woman.

I too, found taking agency of my decisions & choices really helped me move forward. I was fucked if I was going to remain his victim. I felt such a lot of guilt about putting my unborn child through that, I still do. But I think that taking responsibility for my part in making those shit choices has helped me move forward.

I finally got free of my abusive ex last summer. He's put me through hell. And yes I think of him. But never fondly. As a op said, thoughts of him serve a reminder to never go there again.

Like others I don't know if I'll ever truly forget but I have wholeheartedly moved on and that's infinitely better that the awful limbo I was in when he would leave me dangling and the pick me up and put me down again whenever it suited him.

Its call trauma bonding I think. And it's effects are deep.

I too look back at "that person" who I was before I left and feel desperately angry for her and the broken, desperate young girl I was.

I hate that I allowed myself to be subjected to the things I was at the time. I wouldn't stand for a flicker of that treatment now.

It's the boiling frog analogy isn't it?

I often feel really sad for that woman I think of. She's not me, rather a very scared, broken woman.

I agree and for me what is so scary when I look at 'that person' is someone who was not conscious of life. I lived on my nerves really, for 15 years, I didn't seem capable of taking in what was going on around me, couldn't 'hear' people when they told me things weren't right.

I have to say, that does still scare me a little - that that state even exists when how I live now is pretty mindful. Am I 100% that I could never end up like that again? The fear of it keeps me on my toes I guess. I have a new partner (5 years) and I am vigilant with myself, I recognise I am a classic empath and so I don't live with him. I don't want to for many reasons (not that I don't love him) but one reason is that my 'care taker' comes out when I live with someone, I know that, and I don't want to lose myself ever again.

God what an awful thread. for all of you and I hope you find peace.
Mine's not quite the same but I often think back to the innocent person I was when I met my exh. I used to laugh a lot. Now I'm shut down. I can't imagine ever how I could ever laugh so easily. I'll never be that carefree again and that makes me so sad.

Yes I think about it, although it’s 4 years ago now. I’m mostly cross with myself for putting up with a lot of shit and allowing myself to be manipulated.
He had abused other women and had a prison record.
I’ve no doubt he’s ruining someone else’s life right now.

It’s because even though he was a prick , you loved him at some point . They are feelings that you can’t undo easily .

@mooncuplanding I have since avoided relationships totally. I feel similarly, that I don't quite trust myself to not repeat those mistakes. I was diagnosed with BPD, and I just cannot maintain healthy relationships and healthy boundaries. For me it has been easier to stay single. Which is a shame, but at least it's safe.

Yes I do and I'm not sure why.

Yes, occasionally, but for me it was a very long time ago. I married a lovely man and feel that he took a lot of stick from me because of what had happened to me. However we are still together and happy.

Things I read and sometimes see on TV brings back memories and that is painful. It will improve though, op, I promise you.

If your son ever seeks you out - they usually look for their mother - lie about his father. Don't even give him the man's real name. I don't normally advocate lying but it will do the boy no good to know the truth and he'll forgive you for having a 'casual relationship' if that is how you describe it. In your shoes I would do that,

I wish it was possible for me to conceal his father's identity if he ever comes looking for me [sad ]The sod is on his birth certificate and was party to proceedings when the adoption order was granted. I hope that precious little boy lives a life so full and happy that his curiosity never extends to wanting to meet his sperm donor, as that is all he could call himself.

It's both comforting and saddening to read through these replies and see other women are still burdened with thoughts of their 'parasites' from the past.

My utmost respect to all of you for getting out and staying out

Oh everyone (I started remembering names to post but it’s all of us) I am so sorry we’ve all lived it.

Ovaltine, I’ve written so many messages and deleted them. I don’t know what to say, but we’ll done for getting your little boy away from him. An aquantence has adopted a child whose birth parents had to break the link between each other for them and for their child to have the best start. The child is so loved and adored. I don’t know how the birth parents are obviously, but I hope they’ve used the hurt so everyone stands a chance at a better life.

I look back at ‘that’ girl, she was beautiful, clever and funny. I’m none of that anymore. I hate that I’m not my best person anymore. I was a walking cliche of child abuse victim and not getting on with my family. I remember a woman talking about the savil abuse and the interviewer asked her “how did he know you’d been abused before” and she said “they know, they just look at you and they know”

A penny dropped, that was me. How do they know, how do they see it?

Thank you so much for the kind words

I often wonder how they can sense were vulnerable, I certainly didn't feel as though I projected that when we met. It's strange, like a built in radar they have as they always tend to pick their victims carefully.

@LilQuim would you mind sharing with me what lead to your BPD diagnosis? For some time I've wondered whether i fit the criteria myself, I too struggle to maintain healthy relationships and ponder whether this could be a part of the reason for me.

I'm in an abusive relationship (18 months), but have only recently come to the realisation of it and I'm attempting to get out safety. He has been done twice for harassment of ex partners which I have only just found out. I also have Bpd and an abusive dad, so I do now wonder if I was an easy target or it's what I went for. I need to learn to have better boundaries.

I still get flashbacks after 20 years, I posted about it on here actually, and was told I was “mental”, and that I should have forgotten the rape by now, and that my current husband would probably leave me. Some of the nicer posters suggested I did the freedom programme, which helped a bit, but to be honest, it’s such a huge part of your life, and changes you so completely, you’re never really going to forget it.

@nowheretorunorhide a massive well done for getting to where you are, it took me three years after the abuse started to feel mentally prepared enough to leave. I highly recommend women's aid, even if you didn't want to go into a refuge they can provide floating support and work with you to make a plan so you can exit safely. Don't be discouraged by hearing that alot of us still struggle with the memories, the freedom you will feel once you've left is priceless. It does get better and you have the rest of your life to find happiness

@Omgineedanamechange I can relate completely. The sexual abuse is the part which has left me the most scarred and has affected my subsequent relationship in regards to intimacy. I too don't think I'll ever forget about that

@0valtine thank you. I have been on the phone to womans aid a lot the last few days and they have been great. I know leaving is going to be the hardest part and i'm certain he will stalk me and slander me across social media. It's horrible he's like jekll and hyde. He has never hit me, it's emotional abuse, threatening to leave me if I disagree, putting me down, controlling me, following me, gaslighting etc. I know he'll threaten and possibly attempt suicide when I leave as it's what he's done before with ex partners.

I was put through emotional abuse and gaslighting for over a year from my ex partner until I found out the truth of his affair with a work colleague 4 months ago. Throughout all that time I was seeing a counsellor who, going off the information I was giving her, was convinced my ex was not having an affair and that maybe I was over thinking things. I put strategies in place to help me cope with things and kept thinking it was all my fault and that I was indeed 'crazy'. The day I found out (looked on his phone and saw messages) I left and blocked him from my life. I had to deal with moving etc via his parents and now settled in a new house with my daughter (not his child, thankfully!). Life is much calmer etc, but I still have intrusive thoughts or find myself ruminating over the ex. I hate him and 100% am better off on my own, but I often find myself having flashbacks as to what happened over that year. The pennies dropping into place with regards to some of the things he said to make me feel I was 'imagining things'. I've stopped seeing my counsellor as I don't see the need to keep rehashing things and felt like there wasn't much further I could do/discuss. I know that in time these feelings will fade. I do have a good circle of friends and the wonderful feeling of returning home to a house which is my sanctuary. I was actually talking about this ruminating today with a work colleague and I said that I think underneath it all I just want revenge on the cheating little tosser and his OW, but I'm not going to do anything - Karma will do it's thing with them.