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Original poster

AIBU to find OW referring to my DDs as "our daughters" upsetting?

54 replies

neenypeeps · 05/02/2019 10:05

Just wanted a sense check before I tackle this. The subject might be a bit misleading - OW and ExH got married last weekend and they have a 1 year old. He left after I found out about their affair 6 years ago and moved straight in with her so she's been around a while and she has been in my 2 DDs(10 and 12) for about 4 years. They stay with ExH and her every 2nd weekend and 1 day a week. Obviously they are not my 2 favourite people in the world but I like to think I have always remained polite and superficially friendly and we have managed to do family occasions (birthday parties school concerts etc. together). I have always said that as long as she is kind to the children than I'm ok with it. The problem is that it has been brought to my attention by more than a few people that she constantly refers to my 2 DDs as "our girls" or "our daughters" and talks about them to others as if she is their mother and I simply don't exist. She does this in person, on social media (I don't stalk, we have mutual 'friends' who have found this weird), and now in the media (Ex is a z-list celeb). For some reason I find this really upsetting and I want to pull her up on it but I'm not sure I'm being rational about this. After all, the important thing is that she is good with the girls and they are happy. AIBU?

OP posts:

pog100 · 05/02/2019 10:09

I can see that this is upsetting but it could also be seen as being inclusive? The alternative might be "my daughter and step daughters" which kind of emphasises that there is a gap. I'm not sure, but I think it isn't black and white.

BreastSideStory · 05/02/2019 10:14

I can see why this would upset you but on the other hand I can see why she doesn’t want to differentiate between the children. Being a SM is hard and if she constantly was correcting people or stating “our DC and DH’s DDs” then many people would take exception to that too. Stepparents constantly have it drilled into them that all the family children should be treated equally... maybe it is her misguided way of doing that?
Your girls know you are their mum, you are unequivocally irreplaceable. I can see why you’re sensitive to it but honestly I wouldn’t kick up a fuss about it because it’ll be turned around on you and they’ll make you look jealous and bitter.
If your girls were being told to call her “mum” then I would probably rip her face off
But I think, for your own sanity I would let this slide xx

Somethingsmellsnice · 05/02/2019 10:15

I wouldn't have an issue with our girls and also if their child is a girl too then she is correct grammatically to say our daughters but I understand how it would hurt.

We have a son each from our previous marriages and one together. If i post a pic of all 3 I would usually say "the boys" because I know how I would feel if my son's stepmother called him her son.

If you were to ask her to stop would she or would she do it even more out of site.

Somethingsmellsnice · 05/02/2019 10:16

*spite not site

MorrisZapp · 05/02/2019 10:18

If she's saying 'our' then the alternative is 'our daughter and my step daughters' which doesn't sound great either.

I have step brothers but often refer to them as my brothers. It's easier and feels less like a qualification.

I can see why it's a bit odd, but it's hard to know what would be a better alternative?

lunicorn · 05/02/2019 10:21

She should use 'the girls'. Not that you'll be able to do anything about it.
On balance though, they know you're their mum. It won't matter in the long run

Original poster

neenypeeps · 05/02/2019 10:26

Thanks for your input. I know you're probably right. I think the fact that I really dislike the woman doesn't help (she wouldn't be my cup of tea even without the whole OW thing). She's the type of person who posts shiny photos of 'my perfect family' or 'check out my new designer shoes' on instagram. But the example that may most illustrate what I mean is that she posted a picture of DD1 blowing out the candles on the birthday cake that I slaved over at the party that I organised captioned "our girl is 12!" and cropped me out of the photo. I think it was that that tipped me over the edge.

OP posts:

BreastSideStory · 05/02/2019 10:31

@neenypeeps it must be utterly shit. You have my sympathy.
But to put a positive spin on it... at least she sounds like she’s being a nice SM.

Your kids will always know you are their mum. And you know you slaved over the party and cake and so will your DD. Keep being a great mum

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2019 10:31

If she’s taking about “their children”, belonging to them as a couple, then she’s correct as the girls are all theirs - belonging to one, the other, or both of them. I’ve often heard couples with blended families asked about their children saying something like “we have 3 between us” which is nice because then they’re all equal children of the family unit.

I can see why it hurts but our girls isn’t the same as hers, she’s not writing you out of the picture by saying that as they’re also her DH’s girls. Also agree that the alternative is to make the divide clear and risk excluding your two, which at their ages, they’re old enough to be hurt by. “My daughter and my husband’s kids with his ex/from his previous marriage” is clunky and distancing.

Bittermints · 05/02/2019 10:32

That thing about the cake and the photo's just nasty. Couldn't she say 'the girls', which is more neutral?

VietnameseCrispyFish · 05/02/2019 10:33

I can see why it hurts, but I think it’s a good thing on the whole. It’s better for the children she isn’t making a point of differentiating between the child she gave birth to and her stepchildren, and given that her husband is the father of all three I think it’s just easier and more inclusive to say ‘our girls’. She’s correct grammatically too, ‘ours’ refers to her and her husband, and all three of the kids are either hers or her husband’s or both. So they are ‘ours’, just like if you had a daughter and your new hypothetical husband had a son you could say ‘our kids’.

So yes, emotionally it makes sense it’d sting, but I wouldn’t say anything or do anything about it as she’s not wrong. You’re their mother, you grew them and will always be their mum: they will love their stepmother too but nothing will take away you being their mum, nor is it a competition. I loved my mum to pieces and I love my stepmum. My love for one doesn’t diminish my love for the other.

IdaDown · 05/02/2019 10:33

I think to refer to all the DC as ‘our’ is inclusive. If it’s an ‘our’ situation.

To crop you out of the birthday photo and then to refer to DD as ‘our’ is airbrushing you out. Yes, I would ask her/them not to do this. There are other ways to caption the photo.

Mookatron · 05/02/2019 10:35

Oof that would hurt. The photo I mean. But if you can imagine she's saying 'ours' as in yours and theirs it might be easier. I'm sure she's a cow but I'd rather she spoke about my kids like that than the alternative.

So I think you should put up with it but I also think you should get a medal for putting up with it.

KaliforniaDreamz · 05/02/2019 10:36

I would find that hurtful - especially if they're in the public eye. i have seen this happen a lot - the ex fades into the background while the man becomes father of the year...

YANBU but i fear that if you pull them up on it you won't look good.

i would keep an eye on it... x

BreastSideStory · 05/02/2019 10:36

I know it’s not the same but I get it the other way around. My DP has 2 DDs and I don’t try to parent them but I do nice things for them... their mum often crops me out of pics or posts about things on Facebook or instagram with pics I’ve taken, implying that she has taken them to whatever fun activity I’ve taken them to.
For example, on holiday I took my eldest SD to a very expensive restaurant which is frequented by celebrities... mum then used these pics and posted only the ones of SD or actually cropped me out and put captions like “look how spoiled my beautiful DD is” and all the comments were saying what a good mum she was etc. when in fact she was in different country!
It boils my piss so I can sympathise with your rage lol

Riotingbananas · 05/02/2019 10:37

I always say 'the children' or 'the boys/girls' or use their names when referring to my step children. We're very close and I've been a step parent for years but it's still not something I'd do. Can understand that it must be hurtful.

TheLostTargaryen · 05/02/2019 10:38

I can see how this irks you but I actually think a step parent referring to a stepchild as daughter or son along with their own is nicer than singling them out as their kid's half-siblings.

Now if they were being made or asked to call her mum then that's definitely overstepping the boundaries.

I'm not particularly close to my own stepdad and would never call him my dad but I do introduce myself as his daughter rather than stepdaughter. When I worked for the family business I would say to clients, "Hello, my name is Pebbles, I'm Mr Flintstone's daughter" It's just easier. But he's not my dad and he never will be. I have one already thanks.

Your children are old enough to know the score. They know she's not mum. You are. They're all that matters.

marymarkle · 05/02/2019 10:39

My mum made it clear that my step siblings were not hers. It really was not nice for them. Much better for your children to feel included and part of the family.

Bombardier25966 · 05/02/2019 10:42

You need to stop thinking of her as the other woman. She's his wife, you've been apart many years now.

That might seem harsh but you're clearly still struggling with the past, and you can't put that behind you because you're still living it.

MudNet · 05/02/2019 10:42

I think there's quite a difference in meaning between "our daughters" and "my daughters". The former is correct and fine, and is what you said she said in the OP.

The latter would be a bit weird. But the "our daughters" is just fine I think.

BeforeLight · 05/02/2019 10:44

I’m with you, I wouldn’t like it. Reminds me that a friend who is fairly recently with a new man, maybe 2 years together.. they botht have two children each from previous relationships. Her dp always posts onto FB referring to ‘our son’s birthday’ or ‘our amazing daughter is 10 today’. Makes me feel a bit 🤨, as I wonder how their parent feels about it - same as you’re feeling.

I don’t know you can really do anything to change it but I do feel you’re in your right to feel a bit miffed / hurt / left out.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 05/02/2019 10:47

I’m a mum and a step mum, both me and my dh refer to all the kids (I have 4, two dd’s and two ds while he has two dds) as “The boys” or “The girls”. We don’t say “our” even though we both consider ourselves step parents to each other’s children. And I’d hate it if my exes fiancé referred to my children as “theirs” so no, you’re not wrong in being upset about this at all.

springydaff · 05/02/2019 10:50

Maybe she'll be in your position one day. She'll get it then. She must worry, or ought to, that her husband will do the same to her as he's done to you. Perhaps all that posturing is bcs she knows she's on thin ice.

Horrible cow.

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 05/02/2019 10:51

I'd hate it. Your girls are not 'hers' and never will be.
As second marriages appear to end even more so than first marriages it's not that unlikely she won't remain in your daughters lives for ever
However, you and their father will always be their parents

PazRaz10 · 05/02/2019 10:51

I agree with PPs, I think it is her way of people inclusive and this it's a positive thing that she considers all the children as her family.
As a woman in her 40s who still struggles with how she was treated differently to her step brother and sister by her step mother, please try and see the positive in this.
Your daughters will always know you are their mum, but they have an extended family now, and this can be a good thing if you allow it.
This woman will (potentially) be in their lives for the long term, try and help them build a great relationship with that. I know it's hard for you and probably hurts, but try and see it from their side.
My friend is a stepmum and she refers to the children as 'our children' as she sees herself as playing a part in the upbringing of them (along with their dad, their mum, and their stepdad), but she would never say 'my' children as she is very aware of her role vs their mums role - if that makes sense!

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