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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to find OW referring to my DDs as "our daughters" upsetting?

54 replies

neenypeeps · 05/02/2019 10:05

Just wanted a sense check before I tackle this. The subject might be a bit misleading - OW and ExH got married last weekend and they have a 1 year old. He left after I found out about their affair 6 years ago and moved straight in with her so she's been around a while and she has been in my 2 DDs(10 and 12) for about 4 years. They stay with ExH and her every 2nd weekend and 1 day a week. Obviously they are not my 2 favourite people in the world but I like to think I have always remained polite and superficially friendly and we have managed to do family occasions (birthday parties school concerts etc. together). I have always said that as long as she is kind to the children than I'm ok with it. The problem is that it has been brought to my attention by more than a few people that she constantly refers to my 2 DDs as "our girls" or "our daughters" and talks about them to others as if she is their mother and I simply don't exist. She does this in person, on social media (I don't stalk, we have mutual 'friends' who have found this weird), and now in the media (Ex is a z-list celeb). For some reason I find this really upsetting and I want to pull her up on it but I'm not sure I'm being rational about this. After all, the important thing is that she is good with the girls and they are happy. AIBU?

OP posts:

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 05/02/2019 10:51

I can understand you being upset but I would say that this is not a hill to die on.

Consider it as being inclusive and caring for your daughters. But feel free to post next to the photo of your daughter blowing out the candles ‘I can’t believe it was 12 years ago that I was in the hospital and in labour for x hours with her. Isn’t she wonderful!’

Or some variation thereof.

callieisdoingit · 05/02/2019 10:52

As long as she is kind and a good person for your kids to be around I know it hurts but I would just suck it up. The girls know who their mum is.

StoppinBy · 05/02/2019 10:52

That must be hard for you to hear but for your DD I think it is the right thing, it wouldn't feel great for DD I imagine if she introduced the girls as 'our daughter' and step daughter for your DD.

explodingkitten · 05/02/2019 10:57

Stepmums can't win. If she would exclude your daughter you would be livid too.

Fazackerley · 05/02/2019 11:02

She may have cropped you out because she genuinely thought you wouldn't want to be on her Facebook.

Off topic, but I once cropped out a child from a pic of my ds - they both jointly won a sports thing. I cropped out the child as I didn't know the mum well and I was worried that they might be unhappy to have a pic of their dc on someone else's facebook.

Anyway the mum was really pissed off, was convinced I had done it to make it look as though the other child hadn't jointly won and ended up getting drunk at a party and having a go at me about it

elephanto · 05/02/2019 11:04

My parents split when I was little and both remarried and had 2 children with their new partners.

My stepdad tells people he has 3 children, not 2 children and a step child.

My step mum on the other hand tells people she has 2 children. I don't even get mentioned.

As an adult I can see the damage that has done to my relationship with that whole side of my family and that feeling of not belonging hasn't ever gone away.

Now I have my own children I can understand the pain you must be feeling but please consider how your children would feel if they were not treated as part of their family and the damage that will cause in the long run

Mondaytiredeyes · 05/02/2019 11:11

When people ask how many children I have.. I say two.... they ask ages I say three and sixteen, I then explain that DC16 is my DSS.
I refer to them as the boys, or the kids.... it’s through no disrespect to his mum but it’s inclusive and I think of him and love him as I do my own DC. I’ve been in his life for 10 years and I would hate him to think I treat him differently!

CatG85 · 05/02/2019 11:13

My husband has 2 children and I would never refer to them as my children just out of respect for their mum. I wasn't involved in the break up, we met almost 3 years later but regardless, she's their mum not me. We married in December and I still don't even say step-children. I love them like my own family and they know that so that's all that matters. We're expecting our 1st child together and would never use terms to separate them but I think I'd just carry on referring to them as the kids rather than my kids/his kids etc.
Maybe that's just me but I try to think how I'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot, especially doing it so publicly.

Willow1992 · 05/02/2019 11:14

I talk about 'our' children meaning my stepson as well some times. I don't mean anything by it and I respect DSS's relationship with his mum and do not try to replace her... The only thing is if I said ' our children and DSS' it feels like I am excluding him from being one of his dad's children, not just mine. 'Our children' doesn't have to mean 'our shared children'.

Putting them on social media as if they are her children is a bit different though, and yes that would upset me in your shoes.

Variousartists · 05/02/2019 11:14

I know what you mean but the alternative is to refer to them as her stepdaughters which doesn’t sound great so I think you will have to suck it up, especially in the family set up you have explained.

Willow1992 · 05/02/2019 11:17

Oh and I agree calling them 'my children' would be unacceptable, but 'our' is not 'my'. 'Our' refers to the children of both people in the relationship.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/02/2019 11:22

Personally, I would grit my teeth if I were you.
No matter how many times she refers to your children as hers, she'll never be their Mum.
Plus, if there is a small chance, that she is trying to irk you, that will only spur her on. I say this only, because she cut you out of the photograph, which was out of order.
Have a hug, it isn't nice, but 'Mum' is your name only.🌸

NunoGoncalves · 05/02/2019 11:27

If I were going to the park with my kids, and with some friends and their kids, we would describe the group of children as "our children". Because that's what they are. Calling their kids "my children" would obviously be wrong.

VeryFoolishFay · 05/02/2019 11:28

Plus people you know who see her on Facebook referring to 'our daughter' will know exactly who's daughter she is and probably be doing a bit of an inner eyeroll. I would!

Original poster

neenypeeps · 05/02/2019 12:26

I really appreciate all the responses. I am aware that the fact that she was the OW clouds my thinking. It just gets up my nose that I literally do all the actual parenting and she and ExH show up for the photo shoots. While she’s perfectly nice to the kids I do worry about her influence on them as our values would be very different. Someone said ‘as long as she’s a good person’ and I honestly don’t think she really is. This makes it hard.

So thank you to those who sympathised. And thank you to those (there’s overlap) who pointed out the positive aspects of her actions. I will suck it up, and try and tune it out.

OP posts:

VietnameseCrispyFish · 05/02/2019 12:30

Stepmums can't win. If she would exclude your daughter you would be livid too.

To be fair explodingkittens, I don’t think it’s that she’s a stepmom that makes this sting, it’s that she’s the OW and was fucking OP’s husband while he was still married to her.

MorrisZapp · 05/02/2019 12:33

I'm a researcher and I've just viewed a 1911 census entry in which a 9 year old boy is listed as the 'boarder' of his step father.

That really broke my heart.

Desmondo2016 · 05/02/2019 12:40

Just remember every single person that knows her, your girls or your ex will know that she's only been in their lives 6 years so whatever she says, they ARENT her daughters. Id let her get on with it and burn quietly, personally. Sounds like you're managing this situation like a boss and your girls are massively fortunate to havr such a mature mum so well done you.

explodingkitten · 05/02/2019 12:57

*Stepmums can't win. If she would exclude your daughter you would be livid too.

To be fair explodingkittens, I don’t think it’s that she’s a stepmom that makes this sting, it’s that she’s the OW and was fucking OP’s husband while he was still married to her.*

I absolutely understand why OP hates her, it's just that the child has nothing to do with it and OP is posting about how stepmum said "our children". A mother has to put her kids first and in this case that means that it's a good thing that stepmum includes the daughter. It's two seperate things.

SandyY2K · 05/02/2019 13:02

I'd be pissed off too in your position.

Your DDs know you're their mum though...so try not to let it get you too much.

KaliforniaDreamz · 05/02/2019 13:37

explodingkitten the OP is feeling hurt. Perhaps you could bear that in mind?

headstone · 05/02/2019 13:49

I get you OP, the situation really sucks. You marry someone and the expectation is they stay faithful to you and you build a life together with your children. They are unfaithful and what’s worse you’re forced to maintain some kind of relationship with not only them but someone you really wouldn’t want to know or spend time with. Then you have to share your children with this person and again this is the kind of person that you wouldn’t normally want your kids to be parented by. It’s not fair and it sucks. It’s ok to let it all out on mumsnet. Seems like you are doing a great job holding it together.

JamAtkins · 05/02/2019 13:49

I know someone who is like this on SM. Due to her DH being a massive shagbandit, she has lots of step children of varying ages with whom she has varying contact ranging from full time (doesn’t see mum or any of her family at all) through every other weekend type arrangements to once or twice a year. I do find it a bit odd, especially with the older ones who she didn’t meet until they were older teens but is ‘so proud’ of. But despite the weirdness it is nice for the kids to bed over rather than under included. Cropping you out of the photo though... that’s just twatty.

Original poster

neenypeeps · 05/02/2019 14:33

Thanks headstone. That’s it exactly. Generally I’m fine. (Reminding myself that she is the one who has to live with an EA cheat usually cheers me up). For some reason though this really pushes my buttons. I know it’s not rational - let’s face it they’ve both done a lot worse. Still, I have maintained my dignity and the moral high ground throughout and the advice not to throw that away on this, of all issues, is good.

OP posts:

lunicorn · 11/02/2019 12:51

If he's a Z list celeb, maybe she does it for their brand? Unless he's not that famous!

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