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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

:-( desperately upset and need opinions...xx

89 replies

slovesg · 04/02/2019 22:13

Hi All

Please may I ask....how often you and your other half have a cuddle (like a quick few seconds one or a longer one for 5 or so minutes)?

Boyfriend said that couples don’t do that when they live together every day but....I don’t think that is true :-( I would like a quick cuddle here and there but he refuses. Says he doesn’t know what a cuddle does for me and that they’re pointless.

I say....we used to cuddle lots when we first met and he says that this has changed because back then he didn’t used to see me often and now we live together it’s not needed (he says - were not kids anymore).

I am so lonely in my relationship :( xx I suffer with a lack of sex from him.....but.....I could kinda cope with that if I had some cuddles now and again.

Please give me your honest opinions as to how often you and your partner have a cuddle x

OP posts:

Belenus · 05/02/2019 06:52

Humans have a demonstrated biological need to cuddle. You can show him articles like this one, which might not be the best source but may be one he'll believe goodmenproject.com/featured-content/you-need-to-cuddle-someone-asap-dtv/

I hated being cuddled as a child and am still very wary of hugs from most people. But in a relationship I just want hugs and I'd need to be with someone who understood and accepted that. If he hates hugging and you need it, I don't think you're compatible. Being in a relationship with someone who is making you feel worthless is the loneliest place you can be. IME being single is easier than that.

dancinginthekitchen · 05/02/2019 06:53

DH and I have been together for 40 years, married for 37 and we cuddle and kiss everyday. If we are watching TV or a film always cuddle up on the sofa and we hold hands when we are out together

C0untDucku1a · 05/02/2019 06:56

He makes you feel unreasonable and abnormal over wanting some affection.

Leave him,

BlimeyCalmDown · 05/02/2019 09:09

My boyfriend of 4mths is sort of like this and isn't interested in much sex, he became an ex at the wk end.... Thank u, Next!

ShatnersWig · 05/02/2019 09:16

Actually a LOT of people don't like cuddles. It's wrong to say those people are not "normal" as some on this thread would have it. Some people are more tactile than others.

BUT

This is about much more than cuddles, as is clear from reading the OPs other posts. Please leave OP.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 05/02/2019 09:22

My DP is like yours. However, he is definitely on the spectrum and hates touch, so, although I miss it, I do understand. He will give me a hug if I ask (though he doesn't really engage) but, at the same time, he never asks for one himself. Only once in 15 years has he wanted a hug, but even then he said I didn't have to if I didn't want to (he was in tears - how could I not?????).

JamieFraserskneewarmer · 05/02/2019 09:30

At the risk of sounding harsh, he is only a boyfriend. If you haven't got children then I would get out of the relationship as soon as you can. I am in the same position as you but have been married 20 years and it has only got like this over the past 8 years and I hate it. I have school age DCs so I can't just walk away but, if I could, I would. Like you, I have brought it up on numerous occasions but I shouldn't, and neither should you, have to beg for affection. Please get out of this relationship - there is no joy in living like a nun unless you want to, believe me.

NCjustforthisthread · 05/02/2019 09:43

Nah we don’t. Just never have been like that. Different strokes.

sprinkleofsunshine · 05/02/2019 09:53

My husband and I cuddle all the time at home. Usually if we're sat on the sofa watching tv, lying in bed we cuddle or atleast are touching in some way, my feet up on his etc.

I was in a sexless and no contact relationship before and I think over the sec, the lack of cuddling etc was the dealbreaker for me.

Belenus · 05/02/2019 09:55

Actually a LOT of people don't like cuddles. It's wrong to say those people are not "normal" as some on this thread would have it. Some people are more tactile than others.

Yes. I think a lot of the problem here is that the OP's boyfriend is trying to make her feel abnormal for wanting physical affection. The truth of it is that neither of them is abnormal as such, but they do want different things.

I've read somewhere that we "need" 8 hugs a day to survive. Well sod that, I'd have been dead a long time ago if that's what we truly needed, and I think I would find it quite suffocating. I would however like a partner who is happy to hug as an when needed/ wanted, preferably for me once or twice a day.

MamaDane · 05/02/2019 10:03

My DP is very uncomfortable with physical affection from people who aren't me. She doesn't like to be touched generally. But that said she often initiates cuddles and spooning and such. She is very warm and cuddly with me.

I understand some people don't like physical affection, but for the majority of people, it's a need. And the two of you have different needs. You need someone who gives you the physical affection you need and not someone who makes you feel this way.
Your DP needs someone who is the same as him.

vdbfamily · 05/02/2019 12:12

My husband is not a hugger and he describes himself as emotionally constipated which at least allows us to laugh about it, however if he knows I need a hug he would not push me away...it would not be prolonged though. A work colleague wore a badge on her last day saying " I don't do hugs" and when I asked her about it she said she absolutely hates hugging. Is he supportive in other ways

Beelzebop · 05/02/2019 12:27

All living things need physical contact for normal neurological functioning. Simple. He sounds cold and unwilling to listen. I think you need to leave him X.

TheFifthKey · 05/02/2019 12:32

I've been in a cold relationship which ended up with little cuddling/intimacy, and now I'm in a warm one with plenty. I know which one's better for the soul. It doesn't have to be soppy and OTT, just knowing someone in the world wants to be near you is worth so much.

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