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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

:-( desperately upset and need opinions...xx

89 replies

slovesg · 04/02/2019 22:13

Hi All

Please may I ask....how often you and your other half have a cuddle (like a quick few seconds one or a longer one for 5 or so minutes)?

Boyfriend said that couples don’t do that when they live together every day but....I don’t think that is true :-( I would like a quick cuddle here and there but he refuses. Says he doesn’t know what a cuddle does for me and that they’re pointless.

I say....we used to cuddle lots when we first met and he says that this has changed because back then he didn’t used to see me often and now we live together it’s not needed (he says - were not kids anymore).

I am so lonely in my relationship :( xx I suffer with a lack of sex from him.....but.....I could kinda cope with that if I had some cuddles now and again.

Please give me your honest opinions as to how often you and your partner have a cuddle x

OP posts:
Original poster
slovesg · 04/02/2019 22:34

Never felt so low in my life :( a lack of intimacy (not just talking about sex) is really depressing :( x x
The other week before work I burst out crying and said...if you’re not capable of giving me this then please let me know. He was adamant we could bring about some positive change whereby he would cuddle me...didn’t last more than 48 hours.

Ladies you are so lucky. I can’t describe the pain I feel when I go to him for a cuddle and there is no engagement....no return.....no intimacy. I am never welcome. It is truly a depressing situation when your man does that to you...believe me :( x x

OP posts:
khaleesi71 · 04/02/2019 22:35

OP I'm sorry he's treating you like this. He won't change as it seems this is a bit of a power trip for him. He is withholding affection and he knows that you want it. If there is a lack of intimacy and he refuses to cuddle you then what does he bring to the party? You are not abnormal but it seems that he does not share the same ideas with respect to affection and intimacy. Think about what you want - you certainly deserve better 💐

showmeshoyu · 04/02/2019 22:37

You need to leave this cold relationship, quickly, before you wither away.

Maryjoyce · 04/02/2019 22:42

Cuddles are some of the best times I’m sorry you are going through this as it’s a horrible situation to feel rejected this way.

Singlenotsingle · 04/02/2019 22:43

Lots of cuddles, mostly instigated by him. In the morning when he goes to work, and any time I'm within cuddling range! We've been together for 16 years, living together for 14. Buy yourself one of those great big teddies to cuddle, or get a dog.

Honeyroar · 04/02/2019 22:50

You sound like someone I used to know. The lack of cuddles were the least of her problems in her relationship. 🙁. She deserved better. She once left, but sadly went back to him.

Haffiana · 04/02/2019 22:51

Op, have you considered that he doesn't actually like you? He is happy to see you unhappy. That would be a deal-breaker in a friend let alone a partner.

Just leave this sad, damaged twat and go and find someone who can love you in the same whole-hearted way that you can love them. Go and find your real partner.

2019willbegreat · 04/02/2019 22:51

@slovesg.....I feel your pain. My H was exactly like this....affectionate at the start then it fell away. Spent 20 years having the same argument every 9.months or so....ie me saying I need more affection and intimacy, can we have more sex (he us a once a week on a Saturday guy), you never say you love me or do anything special for me .....it sounds so needy written down but it really destroyed me. Worse though was that he was able to be touchy feely with other woman, friend's partners etc. We are now separated and I wish I had left sooner before my self esteem was completey eroded. He won't change because this is the way he is. Sorry.

TitsNnails · 04/02/2019 22:51

Don't stay. You are worth more. Xx

LEMtheoriginal · 04/02/2019 22:54

Does he have aspergers? Im sorry if im wayyy off the mark but thats what occured to me.

Saying that i couldnt live without affection.

I have had some gynae issues that have affected my labido and am on antidepressants which also hammer it. It can affect our intimacy levels and during those times we are both unhappy.

Aspergers or not please don't stay . Most couples do get less cuddly with time but that is because in the early (er) years they are glued together and/or always shagging. Imagine how your dp will be after 10 ywars? You may as well be single

EngagedAgain · 04/02/2019 22:54

You sound quite young. You can't live like that. Dump him, he won't change.

DarkDarkNight · 04/02/2019 22:56

Long-term Singleton here but cuddling is one of the things I miss the most about being in a relationship. When I was in a relationship we used to cuddle lots.

PolkaDoting · 04/02/2019 22:57

He won’t change.

Missingstreetlife · 04/02/2019 22:57

You could have a shot at couples counselling, does he feel trapped, perhaps he's angry about something, is he very macho? Does he show he cares open other ways, do you share a bed?
It's true that some of the magic wears off, but should be replaced by warm companionship. What are his parents like?
If you can't get through this you should rethink if you want to be with him.

notangelinajolie · 04/02/2019 23:03

Married nearly 30 years and we still cuddle up on the sofa. And hugs are essential. I link his arm when we are out walking and he takes my hand when we cross the road. Not so much kissing and sex but that's fine by me - we are still close without that.

tryingtobemybestme · 04/02/2019 23:06

Look into the 5 love languages! You are obviously physical touch and you need to show your partner that you need to speak each other's languages.

emilybrontescorsett · 04/02/2019 23:07

All the time.
We got to sleep cuddling each other.
I never did with my ex rhough.

hatethinkingofusernames · 04/02/2019 23:09

We don't really walk past each other without pulling each other in for a cwtch. Married and been together 8 years. Don't have sex that often but love a cwtch!!!!

Craftycorvid · 04/02/2019 23:10

DH and I have been through our share of tough times - including sex drought - but we have always tried to keep physical affection alive as a point of contact and communication. And communication really seems lacking for you, OP, as well as intimacy. Has it always been like this or can you trace it back to a certain point/a gradual drift? If you have tried and failed to communicate your needs, and there is nothing that compensates for the lack of intimacy for you, it may be time to consider whether you want to stay with this person. You do sound young, and deserve a happy future. And anyone at any age needs intimacy: emotional as well as physical.

RomanticFatigue · 04/02/2019 23:11

OP, you sound so lovely.
Get out of this cold relationship. Find someone who will cherish you and hold you.

ilovekale · 04/02/2019 23:11

I am a cuddler but my DH isn't as much. If I cuddle he'll cuddle back but he won't just come cuddle me so I kind of get how you feel. It is not you it's him.

hatethinkingofusernames · 04/02/2019 23:12

Bless you I've just read the rest of your posts. How long have you been together? What are you getting out of the relationship? It dosent sound like a great one!xxx

ohtheholidays · 04/02/2019 23:12

Me and my DH have been together nearly 14 years(on Valentines day)and we cuddle,hold hands,kiss one another every single day and we have 5DC,if we can find time I can't see why he can't find the time for you.

You need to feel wanted,loved and cherished,that's what everyone should feel in a good relationship OP.

My Mum and Dad had been together 54 years when my Mum got seriouslly ill,my Mum was 72 and my Dad was nearly 80 and very ill himself,my Mum had to have a special hospital bed placed in they're living room so my Dad slept on the arm chair next to the bed every single night untill my Mum went into hospital,he then slept on a camp bed next to her in the hospital and held her hand all night every night untill she passed away.

That's what real love and devotion is to me,what my Mum and Dad had,still holding hands and loving each other right till the very end.

LondonHuffyPuffy · 04/02/2019 23:13

DH and I have been together 12 years and we still cuddle, kiss and tell each other we love each other every single day. It’s important to both of us, thankfully. He is extremely affectionate. Out sex life is not so great, for a variety of reasons including me being on chemo. But we are still hugely tactile and physical.

Christ. That sounds a bit smug. Sorry OP.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Would you feel able to show him this thread?

OneStepMoreFun · 04/02/2019 23:13

You are normal. He is not. DH cuddles me all the time. Several hugs a day and then we snuggle up on the sofa. He complains if I don't put my feet up on him, as he likes the cosiness of it.