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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

:-( desperately upset and need opinions...xx

89 replies

slovesg · 04/02/2019 22:13

Hi All

Please may I ask....how often you and your other half have a cuddle (like a quick few seconds one or a longer one for 5 or so minutes)?

Boyfriend said that couples don’t do that when they live together every day but....I don’t think that is true :-( I would like a quick cuddle here and there but he refuses. Says he doesn’t know what a cuddle does for me and that they’re pointless.

I say....we used to cuddle lots when we first met and he says that this has changed because back then he didn’t used to see me often and now we live together it’s not needed (he says - were not kids anymore).

I am so lonely in my relationship :( xx I suffer with a lack of sex from him.....but.....I could kinda cope with that if I had some cuddles now and again.

Please give me your honest opinions as to how often you and your partner have a cuddle x

OP posts:

Yabbers · 04/02/2019 23:14

We cuddle every day.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 04/02/2019 23:14

I’m not a cuddler. I feel claustrophobic. I like intimacy and affection but equally I like not being touched.

Original poster

slovesg · 04/02/2019 23:15

Thank you so much everyone xxxxxx sorry....I am reading every message just so upset xxxxx I am so grateful for the supportive and understanding messages. It is so hard when you’re in love to realise that I might need to make some horrid decisions. I can’t believe it’s reached a point whereby I’m considering the end of a relationship for this reason. I never would have thought this is how we’d end up. It was so good in the early days - honestly it feels like I am repulsive to him and that I am not wanted. I am one of those girlfriends that is very proud openly of my boyfriend....but I am out of options. All I know is I could not have loved him anymore. But I can’t live like this....I feel so....like he is indifferent about me (sorry if wrong word). Like he doesn’t care....he sees me as a sister. He thinks that I am being stupid for thinking his lack of wanting any physical contact with me makes me feel so worthless and unloved.
One of his favourite things to say when I want cuddles is - LEARN TO SELF SOOTHE.
And - GET OFF ME.
God :-(
Never experienced anything like it. My heart is broken into a thousand pieces.

OP posts:

wishywashy6 · 04/02/2019 23:15

Me and my BF don't live together but we cuddle constantly when we are together. The sex is great but the cuddles are definitely the best part for me.
It's really sad that he feels that way, does he understand how it makes you feel?

ClarabellaCTL · 04/02/2019 23:15

You poor thing :( If he shuts the door on you when you try to talk to him about it then stop trying. You deserve better. My DH and I have been together 15 years and we still cuddle. I'm not a particularly 'touchy feely' person and I CAN'T sleep cuddled into someone. I need my space, lol! However, we still cuddle in together on the sofa, and in bed before we go to sleep. Sometimes he'll just randomly come up behind me when I'm cooking or something and just cuddle me for a bit, it's lovely and I'd be so sad if we didn't have moments like that. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this but believe me, wanting physical contact is entirely normal and is a basic human need. xx

TitsNnails · 04/02/2019 23:16

I hate it when people say "does he have Aspergers" my eldest does, and they are very loving and affectionate. When did it become acceptable to blame autism for everything?

Antonin · 04/02/2019 23:19

Being in a relationship that has no or little physical intimacy is one of the loneliest places to be.
Just a quick hug as you pass or cuddle watching tv makes a world of difference to your mood and makes both parties feel needed.
I think your partner made an effort to start with but now he “has” you he can’t be bothered.
You’re worth more than this OP.

Andtheskyisgrey · 04/02/2019 23:25

My husband once told me that he didn’t ‘do’ affection, so I trained myself to live without cuddles, as it was always me initiating them. I love him so didn’t want to leave, decided I could learn to live without the little daily signs of affection, but I was miserable inside and so lonely.

Several years on, he now complains about the lack of affection and cuddles in our marriage. I pointed out to him that I had acted on his statement, and had had to learn to be like that because it was what HE wanted.

He bitterly regrets that he pushed me away like that but it is nigh on impossible to retrain back to it again after being in a long term relationship. I have had to lay it out to him that the main effort has to come from him now, to show me he means it. I can’t just flick the switch back to early relationship behaviour after so long. He is trying, but it is so hard to rebuild once it is gone.

Don’t be like us. If he cannot give you the affection you want and need now, leave.

CritEqual · 04/02/2019 23:32

Well first of all and I am betting you aren't going to immediately feel this, but there is nothing wrong with you. I bet this lack of touch has made you feel utterly utterly unloved and what is worse unloveable. That is not true in the slightest. You deserve way way better than this, I hope one day you will realise that.

Cuddles are essential.

slashlover · 04/02/2019 23:35

You are normal. He is not.

Or they want incompatible amounts of intimacy, and both are normal.

EllaEllaE · 04/02/2019 23:35

Even if physical affection is something he doesn't need, if he was a decent person he would try to see things from your perspective. Not try to make you feel weird and ashamed for something totally normal. you poor thing. Not being compatible when it comes to how much physical affection you need is hard; but the things he says about it is just cruel.

MashedSpud · 04/02/2019 23:39

You say there’s a lack of sex too? Could he be having ed issues and is worried a cuddle might lead to sex?

It’s worth considering before making any serious descisions.

AgathaDanger · 04/02/2019 23:43

We cuddle constantly. We have a 'proper' cuddle before we fall asleep but will easily have 1 or 2 in the evening too. At work separately in the day.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 04/02/2019 23:47

We are big cuddlers. Been together 10 years. Our sex life took a dive when DP was made redundant and became very depressed as a result, and knowing we were still intimate even if not having loads of sex was what kept us going. We often spend the evening doing our own thing in the house, but “meet” every hour or so to bring one another a cup of tea and have a quick hug and kiss. On weekend mornings we set the alarm so we have time to just lie in bed together, chatting nonsense or putting the world to rights - plus usually a bacon sandwich and the cat muscling in on the action!

NotTheFordType · 04/02/2019 23:48

Regarding cuddles, both of you are normal but want different things.

However the other things you've said makes me think you are fundamentally incompatible.

@WereYouHareWhenIWasFox
I am the same. I can deal with a 3-5 second hug. I can deal with 20 minutes of body contact during foreplay. I cannot be doing with someone just wanting me to sweat onto them in an uncomfortable position while watching TV (and the sweating will happen within 90 seconds of skin to skin contact even when it's below freezing because humans are gross. See also: holding hands.)

I once went on holiday with my sister and during the flight, without saying anything, she swiveled round in her seat and put her legs across mine. My face was like this 😯 She swiftly rotated back the other way and put her legs on her husband instead.

According to family I've been the same since I was born. "Come give Grandma a cuddle!" "OK, you got 10 seconds then I'm wriggling away."

I do remember my mum telling me at an early age "You can run away now but when you grow up and get married you'll have to put up with him touching you whenever he feels like." Thanks mum 😒

Enko · 05/02/2019 00:04

23 years married and whilst we have had periods of not having much sex (4 children does that at times I found) we have never had periods of not having cuddles.

Fernie6491 · 05/02/2019 00:09

Well, my DH and I have been together over 50 years, both over 70 and still cuddle frequently, daily, and we still hold hands when we're out walking .
It's what a relationship is all about. Still wanting warmth and contact, even after so many years.

scatteredglitter · 05/02/2019 05:55

He sounds a bit cruel and unloving 'keen to self soothe ' is a cruel and unnecessary comment.
Don't have children with this man.
He lacks empathy.

It s ok to not want to cuddle all the time, and some people are less tactile than others but it sounds like he is almost enjoying making you upset and his comments are derisive and hurtful. He is also deliberately ignoring your needs nd wants.
If he has. Sensory issue has he explained it or tried to explain it ? It sounds like his communication is really off too.

Shoxfordian · 05/02/2019 06:09

He doesn't sound like a good boyfriend. Is he kind to you and does he show you he loves you in other ways?

Just to add in, you're not weird for wanting a cuddle. My dh and I cuddle all the time.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 05/02/2019 06:13

Leave him.

category12 · 05/02/2019 06:20

You're incompatible. End it with him.

ShortandSweet96 · 05/02/2019 06:24

I never used to be a cuddly person. Especially at night, I hate having someone else's hot body draped over me at night.. but my OH literally smothera me in his sleep, the more I try to get away the harder he holds on lol.
But in the day time, usually he'll get dressed for work (he leaves earlier than me) and he'll come sit on my side of the bed and give me a cuddle.
If we both get up thenull be stood in rd kitchen with my coffee and we'll have a bit of a cuddle then, same she I'm cooking tea he'll often come in and hug me..
Still doesn't help peel any potatoes though!

In the evenings we sit on separate sofas to watch telly 😂 it's very hit and miss I think, everyone is different. I used to absolutely hate public displays of affection other than hand holding. Like really made me cringe, but now I can manage arms around eachother.. still can't kiss him in public, no-one wants to watch anyone kiss. Ick.

Dimsumlosesum · 05/02/2019 06:26

Oh, OP. You deserve to feel and be loved - and I'll gently say but I don't think he's invested at all into the relationship. He's checked out, and sees you as a nuisance which is so, so wrong (and NOT your fault at all).

He is treating you like shit by telling you to get off him and self soothe.

Well, the best self soothing you can do right now is dump him. Without his poison in your life you'll have a chance to meet someone who, like most normal people in a relationship, WILL show you affection, or alternatively, be on your own for a while whilst You heal from how you've been treated. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

bastardkitty · 05/02/2019 06:32

You asked how you can change him - you need to go for a literal approach. Change him. End the relationship and find someone nicer. He is making you very unhappy and he doesn't care. He doesn't mind if you are lonely and unhappy. He wants you to think that you are the problem. He's a useless partner. He doesn't plan to change.

Apple103 · 05/02/2019 06:34

We cuddle alot sometimes and a little sometimes. If you are asking for it, then it doesnt matter what he thinks about it he should be doing it because it makes you happy and he should want you to be happy?

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