Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

[jamaisjedors]

Ok good to know, that was my thought too.

He is going to ask the place we are staying if they have room for him to stay on. I'll let him sort that out.

[RandomMess]

He may as well just piss off back home early?

[jamaisjedors]

Doubt it..

[Greenmum2019]

I would accept his decision, be supportive of it and then enjoy yourself.
.afterwards, his behaviour will be telling if he is resentful to you for lack of sympathy or pitty or that you didn't argue with him to join in.

And I think that because you don't actually 'want' him there you should be organic in your reactions.

Enjoy!

[woolduvet]

If one couldn't do something that we would both do, the other would go with the kids.

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

Firstly what’s best for the dc? That’s the most important thing here. Do they still want to go? Excited about it? If so, then go with them.

If it was me and my dh, he’d actively encourage me to go with the dc and have a lovely time.

[Fairenuff]

Well he's doing the same thing he did on your birthday weekend isn't he. He is pretending to be ill.

[TooTrueToBeGood]

I actually have no idea what a "normal coupply" would do in this situation.

What does good old-fashioned logic tell you? If one person can't (for whatever reason) participate in a positive experience, why is it better for both of them to miss out?

[SnapesGreasyHair]

OP - l think the fact that you have to pretend to be empathetic shows that this marriage is over.

[Arkengarthdale]

Yes - as Fairenuff says, is he often 'ill' when you're away on holiday or a break? I went out with someone who had a dependent relative at home and the rellie was always, always ill every single time we managed to get away for a day or two. Every single time.

[Loveatthefiveanddime]

You say "if it's really true..." - you can see him walking around, do you have doubts?
My first thought was that it was a big version of a sulk, an attention seeking test for you. Others on here seem to be feeling the same.

If this happened to us this is how I see it going:
a) it wouldn't, my dp would push on through
b) if he was wavering about coming I would try to convince him to push on through, with a get-out option along the route if it turns out to have been the wrong thing to do
c) if he really couldn't come he would look into make a plan to meet us at points along the trek for meals etc
d) we would put it to the kids what they wanted to do and both of us actively make light of it and do all we could to encourage them to do the trip
e) take it from there - possibly go home, I guess.

[Loveatthefiveanddime]

I think you don't feel sympathy because you don't believe him and deep down you think 'here we go again'.

[averythinline]

...sounds like the start of sulk or a test.....neither of which are a good sign... the fact that there were rumblings before could means its even more manipulative..
If its just a dodgy knee then go with the kids it'll be more fun for them ...if he is going to go off on one...

DH has chronic health issues (incl Epilepsy) and sometimes these do impact on all of our time - but its not something he would 'rumble' about in advance and once he's recovered for an episode would be saying go with the others.....its more fun for DC - he hates his health impacting on us especially on holiday

[jamaisjedors]

The "if it's actually true" was more meaning if it's true that he's not coming rather than true about his knee.

I believe it is sore, I also believe that he never does anything to prevent that so that he can't join in.

[Mitzimaybe]

Agree with those PP who said it's all about the children. If they will enjoy the trek and want to do it then what a "normal" couple would do is for the fit parent to take the children and leave the crocked parent behind. If the children would rather not do the trek without dad then both parents would drop out.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I haven’t read your previous thread but this jumped out at me from the first page

This was something which was important for me, I have a real need to understand people's motivations and points of view

Friend does this. Analyses why her stbexh does things and spent 20 years in a marriage trying to work out why her stbex was abusive to her.

She still does it now and it is a hard habit to break. Everyone is telling her there is no need to do it anymore she is divorcing him In the meantime he keeps coming up with more and more ludicrous things to delay the divorce process. Which then starts her off again.

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

If he sulks or moans about you going with the dc as he’s got a bad knee then I’m afraid he’s just shown you again, who he is. A selfish man who’d rather his wife and children stayed at home and kept him company, rather than going on an activity and enjoying themselves.

My dh would shove us out the door rather than guilt trip us into staying with him. But he genuinely puts us before himself

[TowelNumber42]

It's a stealth sulk. You are punished by his absence. He is absent due to sore knee. Therefore you cannot complain. He could have done the necessary to make his knee stay healthy if he wanted to be with you all. He didn't because what he actually values is being absent. Sneaky. He's clever.

Outcomes speak. The outcome is that you are on holiday out and about with the children while he's back in the room demanding sympathy for self-inflicted trouble. Same as last time really.

[FinallyHere]

Agreed with op it's an attempt at a stealth sulk and would encourage you to ignore, go and enjoy and shrug if he tries to guilt you afterwards.

I actually have no idea what a "normal coupply" would do in this situation.

As a legacy of surgery twenty plus years ago, DH is not great at walking, especially on tough ground. Anytime I'm going out especially on holiday, we make sure he has somewhere to sit, ideally with a view, coffee, brandy, crossword. Sorted

Part of the charm is meeting up again afterwards, to swap stories of what happened (he has s keen eye for observation of his fellow people and will have lots to relate. )

Nothing remotely sulky about it, on either side.

That's normal for us, or I wouldn't be with him, quite frankly. People only deserve space in my life if I am better with them than without them.

Hope you decide how you want your life to run on your own terms.

[namechanged77]

His knee isn't new news OP. And presumably he's known all about the plan to go trekking for some time. As someone who's had a health issue which would have prevented me doing something like this I reckon the normal thing would have been to say when you were booking it - 'I don't think I'll be up to that. But you and the DCs will enjoy it so you go ahead. I'll meet you at x/head home early, whatever...'

It's not like he's just fallen ill. Would definitely agree with other PPs that he's playing games OP.

[jamaisjedors]

Funnily enough the marriage counselor brought this up.

H was saying he felt he had no choice but to come when I said I wanted to go on this trip with the DC.

She tried to make him see he had had a choice, that if he wasn't happy about going he could have proposed something else or even stayed at home to rest if it was too much for him.

He said that that option had never occurred to him.

This surprised me as he regularly chooses to do his own thing and leaves the DC to be disappointed he isn't coming.

For example this afternoon we are at a pool while he has chosen to stay behind at our hotel 5 mins away.

Not a problem at all, but I don't buy the idea of Me "forcing him" into things like this holiday.

Sorry this rambly and a bit pointless.

Feeling a bit because I got talked/guilted into intimacy last night and this morning and I feel totally out of step with myself and a bit stupid and feeble.

[RandomMess]

He really is unpleasant

[Porridgeprincess]

Hugs Jamais, don't feel stupid or feeble. I think the fact you feel like this after sleeping with him tells a lot also. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are a completely different lady to the one who started thread one months ago

[MehMehM3h]

jamaisjedors I have been following your thread and may have commented under a different name (forgotten password!).

Your posts have really, really resonated with me. What you call 'dithering' etc was me. In August 2016 I told my ex H I wanted a divorce - he'd hit me again. He was similar to yours - would sulk for no reason, would change moods and quite frankly I believe he knew exactly what he was doing and putting me through. He was also violent, not often but enough.

Ex H said he would do anything to save our marriage (except listen to me when I would tell him I was scared of him!). So we went to counselling together, and had separate sessions too. I remember he was desperate for Relate to help us, whereas for me it was a sign I should leave - I was disappointed they would fit us in. In all honesty, I KNEW I wanted to leave, I just didn't know how to follow through because he was being nice.

We went to counselling for nearly a year, what I wanted in that time was for my counsellor to give me permission to leave. I remember once telling ex H that if I stayed it would be to make him happy and he seemed happy about that!

I know what it's like wanting someone else to give you permission, to wonder if you are making the right decision. For me it was a realisation that the only permission needed was my own. If I wanted to go, I could - I did have boundaries, I just forgot what they were. I didn't HAVE to make him happy. I had come full circle (my dad disowned me because I wanted to marry ex H and fully expected me to agree to put my dad's happiness before my own...now ex H expected me to put his happiness before mine).

When I told my counsellor my decision, I remember him saying he agreed to the counselling because he felt it would assist me in coming to terms with my decision. I was suicidal, because I didn't want to break up the marriage but I couldn't stay with him any longer (over the course of the relationship he had punched my arm, hit me, had his hands around my neck and then there was the emotional abuse which was more prevalent, the violence was always a few months apart). Ex H knew I was suicidal and he managed to make that about him too. He once said in counselling that he was suicidal, I rushed to him and begged him not to do anything. Didn't think anything of it until counsellor told me how pleased ex H looked with my reaction.

My ex H did use what I said in counselling against me, nothing major but the digs etc. He never really listened to what I said or what I was feeling. And I'll be honest, right up until he moved out (summer last year) he was still being intimidating and abusive. A PP (I think Towel) hit the nail on the head in your last thread with the Narcissist's Prayer. It didn't happen, or if it did it wasn't that bad etc. That whole prayer summed up my ex! He threw something at me in the last few days and I stood up to him, but a week later I was hearing "It wasn't that bad, it wasn't that hot...oh well"

What I'm trying to say (clumsily, might I add!) is, do what you need to do to be comfortable with your decision. I was 'lucky' in that we didn't have children so I never have to have anything to do with him again. I know he will always blame me as it is easier than facing who he is. What I am proud of is the fact that I made my decision, when I was good and ready.

I've taken so long to write this your thread has possibly moved on somewhat! As you have said before - your boundaries are yours, if he has crossed them then you do what you need to for you.

You are a brave woman

[jamaisjedors]

@MehMehM3h thank you for feeling you could share your personal experience with me/the thread.

It resonates a lot for me and for other people following too I'm sure.

Hope you are ok now?